April 25, 2008

i should have saved this for the "weird things about me" meme

hi! let's talk about calves!

ever since highschool, i have had an inappropriate obsession with calf muscles. i think well-defined calf muscles on women are really hot. i, um, don't know why / when / how i focused on this particular body part, but i used to talk about people's "calf divot" all the time. the calf divot, as defined by me, is that awesome definition you get when you have a sweet calf muscle:

dear lady on flickr whose legs these are: sorry for stealing! but woo! nice legs!

i wanted a divot SO EFFING BADLY. when i was in highschool, i weighed roughly 105 lbs, and was all active and crap. my highschool required that every kid play a sport every single semester, so i was running around a lot playing sports in between climbing trees and wrestling my friends. basically, my point is that if anyone should have had a stupid calf divot, it should have been me, since i was in possession of muscles and was NOT in possession of any fat to cover them up with. however, my calves have always looked a lot more like this:

also not my legs.

see? all smooth? with NO MUSCLE DEFINITION? despite my best efforts? THE INJUSTICE. i even did calf research, and learned, much to my dismay, that calf definition is GENETIC, and if you're born a smooth-calfer, you're stuck being a smooth-calfer. WHAT THE EFF. NOT OK.

so anyway. i eventually stop being so actively obsessed with my calves, since CLEARLY they're not going to change, and just secretly lust over other hot lady-calves every once in a while.

and apparently, the whole trick to getting calf muscles is to.. ignore them. or something. because this came up last weekend for the first time in forEVER, about how i was sad not to half calf divots, and the friend i was complaining to noted that he had no idea what i was talking about, since HEY LOOK I HAVE THEM.


i am ECSTATIC, obviously, and also flummoxed. a) wtf? i thought this was genetic? am i MUTATING? b) what the hell am i doing differently these days that i spontaneously generated a calf divot?

the only newly-introduced activities into my life recently have been yoga and soccer. and I KNOW, soccer must be it, because soccer players! with their legs! except HA HA when i say i play soccer, i should say i "play" "soccer," because really i "run around like a moron" while other people play soccer, because i've never PLAYED soccer and it turns out you need these weird "skills" like "footwork" and "ability to run around like mad and not puke" and i seem to be a little short on both counts. so, i'm pretty sure my spazzy running around a soccer field hasn't been the difference, since i essentially do exactly the same thing when i play ultimate frisbee.

so, i'm forced to conclude that it's the yoga. which: SERIOUSLY? this yoga deal is the best thing i've ever done. have i waxed poetic yet about my abs? how i have ACTUAL STOMACH MUSCLES that i can FEEL? with my HANDS? it's... novel.

i just reread this post, and i'm pretty sure it's the creepiest thing i've ever written. who the hell writes so much about calves?! i'm totally going to get swamped by weird fetish google searches now. i have this one picture on flickr from my bridesmaid dress party last year, where you can see the bottoms of my GROSSLY FILTHY feet because i was walking around barefoot on the metro, and that picture has had over a thousand views (and some icky comments), whereas my normal photos have like... 5 views.

oh my god, i need to stop. /post. happy weekend!


  1. I have the calf divot, and in junior high, I HATED them so very, very much because I wanted to wear short skirts and my calf divots (and my calves in general, which have always been muscle-yand larger than everyone else's) made the boys make fun of me. Stupid boys.

    Somewhere, my mom has this incredibly creepy picture of me as a pre-teen, where I haven't grown, boobs, hips or ass yet, so I'm super skinny and yet, THE CALVES. Were huge and muscle-y. Gah.

  2. Congrats on the calf divots!

  3. Yoga is the best exercise ever. I LOVE yoga.

  4. Hm, I think my calves are reasonably well-defined. My mother's calf muscles are extraordinary. Now I'm curious. Is it wrong if I hike up the leg of my pants in the middle of my office to check?

  5. My calf divot prevents me from wearing leather boots. They won't zip all the way up. There's a possibility I just have fat legs but that's not a possibility I want to consider.

  6. I am so happy to read that you think the yoga did it for you.

    I waitressed for several years in high school and beyond, and I developed thick calves and shins. More than I wish to change my flabby bottom or wiggly thighs I would LOVE to have defined calves. I have pretty good calf muscles, but they are surrounded by other stuff. When I wear crew socks, my legs look like sausages.

    I will keep rockin' the yoga and think of your calves, in a totally non-creepy way. :-)

  7. And this post? Is one of the many reasons I love you! Congrats on the calf divot!

  8. Ha! You are too funny! I was actually admiring my calves in the mirror today (wearing skirt to work) and I said to myself, "you're lookin gooood." Yeah, slightly creepy, but oh well.

    Congrats on the calf divot! Have a great weekend!

  9. I thought a calf divot was when a cow made a hole in the ground.

    And all this leg talk and yoga talk and I haven't had sex with my wife in a while and its spring and my head is about to explode.

    So ... I'm glad you got divots.


  10. THANK YOU for making me crack up on what's been an otherwise exhausting day. Have a rocking good weekend!

  11. This is funny, because I have always had big calf muscles and I've always hated them. It's hard to find tall boots that will zip over them, and I LOVE boots.

  12. Hey, that first picture? Those are my legs and ass ... but the rest of me, sadly, does not in any way resemble the model.

    Yes, envy me, divot loving girl. I credit 17 years of dance, but for SURE, good genes helped.

  13. Yes, it is a little creepy but mostly just funny, I've always been upset with looking who had detached and who has attached earlobes - another genetic thing.

  14. i have a calf obsession too. i have been lucky to always have had calf definition!

    but for whatever reason a guy with nice calves turns me on.

    bring on the short season!

  15. My husband has GIANT calf muscles. Like so big that people envy them. Some guy came up to him one time at the gym and told him "I would kill for your calves." Honestly.

  16. I just wanna see my abs again. Don't care so much about the calves.

  17. I have to ask about the bridesmaid dress party. Did you guys all put on dresses you'd worn as bridesmaids then get drunk? Because if so, that sounds like an AWESOME time. :)

  18. Catching up. Read everything. Happy for your couch, happy for your calves. Most of all, happy you can be 100% done with Karl now for good. :)

  19. the body just evolves. I wish i was happy with my evolution of late...

  20. Wow. I mean I've written about having big calves before, but I've never managed to write an entire post on them before. Clearly I was not amining high enough!

  21. I have always had HUGE calf divots and have always been a mix of proud and annoyed. I can't wear short skirts - I just look ridiculous. I long for long, slender calves. Heels? Look totally absurd.

    In junior high and high school the boys used to call me Popeye! Oh, the torment.