paintings of the pole: volume 2

who's ready for the next installment of "i'm supposed to be able to do WHAT NOW in pole class!?" complete with crappy ms paint drawings? well, aren't you in luck!

as you may recall from last time, i was freaking out over the prospect of holding myself upside down without the benefit of oh, say, my hands. now that we're supposedly pros at that (heh, no pun intended) we've moved on to doing MORE things while holding on with just our legs.

i'd like to take a quick moment to remind everyone how insane that statment is. HOLDING ON. TO A POLE. using just your thighs and the searing, indian-burn-like sensation your skin experiences while supporting your entire body weight via friction against metal.

ok then! moving on, we have the newest insanity we learned in class this week. it starts out with you doing a handstand to the pole.

this part isn't actually too ridiculous, honestly. i'm still a little skittish about doing it without someone behind the pole to spot me, since, you know, you can't see your feet to make sure they're aiming at the pole when you're throwing them over your head to get into the handstand, but as long as there's someone there to grab your feet and make sure they connect with the pole, it's pretty non-alarming.

the next part, which is alarming, is that you clamp your legs and feet around the pole, sit up, and grab it with your hands.
please to excuse the clearly innacurate physiology here, because this part is so ridiculous i couldn't actually figure out how to draw the body to make it happen even in THEORY. the sitting up part? not too hard. the sitting up part WHILE HOLDING ONTO THE POLE WITH YOUR THIGHS SO YOU DON'T FALL OFF and/or SLIDE DOWN IT? insane.

this is maybe a little tmi (um, as opposed to the pole dancing part..?) but the insides of my thighs, my knees, and the tops of my feet are covered in bruises from me clamping on for dear life while my poor little sensitive inner thigh skin cries pitifully in pain. it's hot, believe you me.

as i've told the man friend, he'd better hope nothing sinister happens to me anytime soon, because HOOBOY are things going to look suspicious for him.

girrrl i want to make you sweat

about a year ago, i got invited to join a super lowkey lunchtime soccer game with some people at work. we'd drive over to an indoor sports complex at lunch, hope 8 or more people showed up so we could field at least 4 on a side, and then play some super casual soccer for an hour. for some of us, who had never played soccer ever before in our lives, this amounted to "playing" "soccer" once a week. basically, i ran around the field aimlessly a lot and tried to refrain from accidentally kicking the ball into the opposing team's goal.

i stopped after about a month or two because a) i kept rolling my bad ankle and b) i don't actually know HOW to play soccer, aside from the "don't touch it with your hands" rule, and it's only fun to run aimlessly around a field for so long. and soccer skills aren't really ones you can just "pick up" over time. mastering even the most basic footwork appears to require literal years of practice. and possibly superpowers.

fast forward to last week, when i was outside with gertrude on her smoke break. one of the guys i used to "play" "soccer" with was outside as well, and we had the following conversation:

soccer dude: hey! alice! would you be interested in playing some soccer next sunday? it's my team's last game of the season and i think we're going to be short on girls.
me: uh... do you REMEMBER playing with me..?
soccer dude: yeah! you're really good!
me: so, you DON'T remember.
soccer dude: no, it's fine! i remember! it's sunday, are you interested?
me: uh, i guess. if all you need is a body on the field, i can do that. i can't.. like.. help, or anything though.
soccer dude: great! i'll pass along the info.

so i'm figuring fine, whatever, i'll show up and sub in occasionally if one of the actual soccer players needs a break, and attempt not to lose the game for them in those 10 minute increments. manageable, right?

i show up at the field last night at 7:30, as instructed. there appear to be, like, 400 girls on the sidelines, so i'm all "sweet! they totally have enough chicks. they don't need me." i even start getting a little annoyed that i came all the way out and won't get to play at all - i mean, sure, i can't "play," but a little running around is fun.

then the other team's captain comes over and explains that they've got some girls on the way, but none have showed up quite yet, and maybe we'd be interested in loaning them two of our girls just for a little while, until theirs show up, so we can get started?

i volunteer to go over, since with my Mad Skillz, i sure won't be doing the opposing team any favors. someone lends me a red shirt and i jog over to the other team, where they ask me what position i normally play. i look at them sort of blankly, then explain that i don't actually "play" "soccer." they look worried and assign me to right side defense.

and then, funny story! NONE OF THEIR GIRLS EVER SHOW UP. FOR THE WHOLE GAME. which means that yours truly was stuck playing a full hour and a half game, with no subs. and also no skills. for a team i didn't even show up to play for. oh.

i did learn that a) there are several WRONG WAYS to throw a soccer ball in from the sidelines. really! b) cleats probably would have been a good idea; and c) i really, really suck at soccer. although i kind of knew that one already.

when the game was over and i headed back to my original sideline to retrieve my stuff, my coworker's teammates informed me that the season started back up in march if i was interested in coming back to play with them.

in conclusion, it appears soccer players are blind.

handwritten: you may or may not be able to read this post

idea blatently stolen from swistle and mylittlebecky. see? links! technology ftw.

halloween two-fer

i've got to say, the tonya harding costume came together FABULOUSLY. most people knew who i was - or figured it out once i waved my pipe at them, anyway.

with my superbly fabulous ex roomie, val

things i learned from this costume:

a) ice skaters are not normal sized people

b) i should never, EVER, go blonde

c) no matter how unattractive you think a far-too-tight red velour unitard is, apparently if you flash enough leg, people will still think you look hot.

i was sort of alarmed / disappointed on (c) there, because i was really really NOT going for "hot" with that outfit. i mean, LOOK AT IT.

hot...?

so! on friday night, i wasn't expecting to go to any other halloween parties - i thought the Boy Who Found My Blog and i were just going... out. like, to a bar or something. but at the last minute it was decided that we WOULD be attending a costume party, and i sort of hate being that one person who goes to a party and doesn't dress up, so i started casting about my house for a casual half-assed costume to throw together (i felt tonya was a One Night Only sort of deal). i had unhappily settled on generic/lame "schoolgirl," and was feeling very curmudgeonly about it, when TBWFMB mentioned this thing he'd heard on the radio about how it would be funny to go as plaxico burress this year.

"I HAVE A PLAXICO JERSEY!!" i hollered, and flew off the couch. 10 minutes and a quick trip to CVS later, i had a costume:

most people initially thought i was just being a giants fan, until i gestured at my leg wound, and then i got a lot of high fives. well, from dudes, anyway. most girls still had no idea who i was.

if you haven't already, everyone else: please post your halloween pics! because this is obviously all about me, and i want to see everyone's costumes :-)

winner!

today: FULL OF WIN. i mean, it's slightly MORE full of win for foggy dew, as he is the winner of the wee giveaway package:

i'll be emailing you shortly, sir!

everyone else: you also win, because it's friday. i think we can all agree that is EXCELLENT news.

and hey! i win too, because when i finally got home last night at 11pm, my ice skates were waiting for me. FANTASTICO!

i tried on the Full Costume, since i now have everything (uh, except for the pipe / crow bar, which i'll be picking up this afternoon). i had bought a pair of supertan-colored pantyhose for mah legs, and because of the aforementioned sausage-casing-hip issue, i was all "i know! i'll be smart and buy control top hose, to help squish the ol' hippal region into the leotard. i am so smart! s-m-r-t!"

right. because control top hose start controlling around mid thigh, and i'm wearing a LEOTARD.

for the record, it's quite difficult to take a picture of one's own ass. just fyi.

incidentally, i've decided not to care. the hip-fat-smushage benefit outweighs the visible-control-top-hose-line cost, as far as i'm concerned. my new s-m-r-t plan is to hike the hose up as far as possible to minimize the Control Visibility from under the flutter skirt. i'm sure it will look just as hot as it sounds.

uninspired

my brain is blank, folks. it's a bullet day!

• i made homemade mac & cheese last night, and every time i do i forget how FREAKING INSANELY DELICIOUS it is when you make it from scratch. i use this recipe, but sub gruyere for 1/2 of the cheddar and use skim milk, because that's all i ever have on hand. i'm pretty sure it's a heart attack on a plate, but it's a warm, bubbly, cheesy, crispy-topped heart attack, so it's totally worth it.
• you can still enter to win my care package, if you're so inclined!
• i've mentioned in a few comments sections recently how i'm not a huge fan of "slutty [random profession]" halloween costumes, mainly because i just find them boring. i like costumes to be clever, or hilarious, or silly, etc. HOWEVER, my pole class has decided to dress up for tonight's class, because why not? and since we're a) taking pole class in the first place, and b) in a closed, private studio, and c) we actually need significant parts of our bodies not covered up in fabric anyway so we don't fall off while dangling upside down and stuff, we've decided to go full-out "slutty [whatever]" for class. i'm.. um.. actually pretty excited about it. and bought a skirt from hot topic - HOT TOPIC, YOU GUYS - for the occasion.
• wow. seriously? i can't even come up with four whole bullet points? that... sad. note to self: get some sleep

tuesday: OVER IT.

oh man, you guys. i am HAVING A DAY. HAVING! a DAY!

my stupid asshole cat (oliver, obviously) has a bit of a Peeing Issue, where he sometimes pees on my shit. on purpose. just to be as ass. like this morning, on the bathmat i purchased literally LAST NIGHT. 30 seconds before i was going to walk out the door to work.

so after dealing with that, i was late, so i guess i was not paying enough attention as i backed my car out of its parking spot? which i have parked in every day, often multiple times a day, for nearly two years. i park next to a rectangular concrete post on the right, and a white car on the left. and this morning, for no apparent reason, i dragged my right fender across the concrete pole while backing out. the white concrete pole. on my black car. AWWWESOME. i guess it's better than hitting the other car? BUT STILL.

you all know about my costume by now, and i was thinking this morning that i hoped the ice skates i won off of ebay came soon, since i'm getting a bit down to the wire here. and then i remembered that after you win an auction on ebay, you still have to go in and pay, like as a whole separate step. which i had not done. which means the ice skates are definitely not yet in the mail.

and once i finally got to work, i slunk dejectedly into the kitchen to make some hot chocolate / coffee to try to cheer myself up. i poured the packet of hot chocolate into the cup, threw away the packet, turned around, and batted the cup off the counter in the process. the cup sailed across the room, trailing a fine arc of chocolate powder in its wake, before landing upside down next to the trash and depositing the rest of the powder all over the floor.

i need a do-over for today, please.