March 29, 2012

even i can't believe i have another massage story for you already

you guys. you're going to think i did this on purpose, for forced comedic effect or something, but i swear to you i did not.

so, remember my enlightening thai massage?

i had another massage tonight. at a new, non-thai place. a regular hot oil massage.

OH, EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT I WAS COMPLETELY NAKED.

"aren't we all pretty much naked during a massage?" you might ask. "they're rubbing our bare skin, after all. we're all naked under that sheet!"

agreed. now imagine that massage.. with no sheet.


SORTA AWKWARD, NO?

and hey, think that's awkward? wait until you get to the part where you flip over.

astute readers may notice the wee thong in that second picture. technically, i was wearing bottoms the whole time. made of paper.

MADE. OF PAPER. a paper string thong/bikini. so hey! not totally naked! i have a see-through piece of tissue paper completely failing to cover my bits!

granted, given the nature of the massage, this IS totally necessary. when i read "hot oil massage," i figured it was like a normal massage - which also uses oil or lotion - but in this one the lotion would be HEATED. i mean, doesn't that sound nice?

it's also totally not what they meant. they meant, "we will pour literal cupfulls of oil on you, and then slather it over your entire exposed body in big sweeping strokes." there was A LOT of oil involved. many ladles full. including in my hair! like: dip, ladle, pour straight oil directly into my thin, already-very-oily hair. rub rub rub.

oh, and did i mention this was sesame oil? it smelled like i was ready to be deep fried.

at the end, my masseuse gave me a towel to try to mop up some of the oil coating literally every inch of my body before i put my clothes back on. (it was... futile.)

all (naked) things considered, it was actually a pretty great massage. there was no digging into muscles the way you get in a swedish massage, just these sweeping (oily!) strokes around your body the whole time, which is actually really relaxing & invigorating at the same time.

i just can't believe i have now TWICE IN A ROW had unintentionally nakeder-than-normal massages. i need to stop buying groupons.

14 comments:

Stevie said...

Oh. My god. So funny. So was there a shower there or anything? Or did you have to drive home smelling like Chinese takeout?

Karen (formerly kcinnova) said...

I was going to ask, "Didn't you feel cold, lying there buck nekkid?" but then... HOT OIL.
So, two questions:

1. How do they expect you to ever get that oil out of the clothes you just put back on your oily body?

2. Wouldn't you rather have a nice soothing hot stone massage?

Alice said...

@stevie - definitely drove home reeking of sesame. also had to throw my clothes immediately into the wash, as they were also awfully oily.

@karen - i got enough off with the tiny towel so that i don't THINK there are actual oil STAINS on my clothes? but TBD when that shirt gets out of the wash! if i had been wearing linen or something it would have been bad news bears, i suspect. and: i've never had a hot stone massage! yet! maybe that will be the next one :)

Maggie said...

It's the sesame oil part that I cannot get over. I might have run away screaming about not wanting to smell like dim sum for the rest of my life.

Shalini said...

In your HAIR? YOUR HAIR? Oh goodness.

d e v a n said...

1 - I will never buy a groupon for a massage. I would have left, as I cannot stomach the thought of actually having a naked massage! EEEEK! (Then again, I've had 4 babies...)
2 - Maybe, next time, ask them what to expect when making the appointment- and having to be naked would be my #1 question. hehe

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

I can see it now ... your first authored book: Massages around the world! You'll be like Anthony Bourdain in No Reservations - willing to travel anywhere and try anything! hahaha.

Tyler said...

I'm not so shocked at the naked part, more the oil! That would be too much for me. I think I could handle the naked.

Mouse said...

I just...don't even know. Shudder. I feel like I have new zits forming just reading about this.

Marisa said...

Haha! That is hilarious, especially the sesame oil part. I had a massage in southern China where they gave me paper underwear to where only mine were like three sizes too small and I kept poking my thumb through the "fabric" while trying to get them on so I ended up with holes in mine!

Amanda said...

I'm never doing a Groupon massage, I'll just keep coming here and reading about your adventures.

I love hot stone massages so I definitely recommend that but..maybe not from Groupon.

Marie said...

Why do I have a feeling somewhere down the road this is going to happen again?

Sizzle said...

That is a LOT of oil! I want to shower just reading about it.

Lusty Reader said...

im so glad these ridiculous things keep happening to you, it just means we're lucky enough to hear the hilarious (to us!) stories! as long as you're not still getting injured all the time, keep the embarassing/wacky stories coming ;)

also, i got THE BEST hot stone massage through a daily deal on the local Rue La La boutique, i highly recommend their discounts, but have not had much luck with groupon/livingsocial either.