February 21, 2012

what to expect from a thai massage

i have some pretty gnarly chronic issues with my shoulders & trapezius muscles due to my first ribs constantly popping out of alignment. i mean, nothing terrible - i go to a chiropractor regularly now, and the act of getting aligned once or twice a week has really helped my body figure out how to put the ribs back on its own when it happens now. but they do still come out a lot, which makes the muscles around them very unhappy, so i basically always have giant rock-hard knots in my traps. not that big of a deal, but as a result i tend to snap up any massage deals i see on livingsocial these days.

a few weeks ago, there was one for a thai massage. "neat!" i thought to myself, "a new kind of massage!"

chris has had thai massages while actually in bangkok, and had told me to expect a lot more stretching than in a swedish massage. i figured that would probably be good for me and my inflexible limbs. stretching is good for you!

so walking in, i thought i was pretty well prepared for what to expect. massage, stretching, relaxation. sweet. i got there, stripped down, and got under the sheet.

what i was NOT anticipating was for the masseuse to come in and immediately hop ONTO THE TABLE with me.

this was not a larger-than-average massage table, mind you. this was a regular sized massage table, which i took up nearly all of, but now there was also a small thai woman kneeling in between my ankles and starting to massage the backs of my legs.

until she climbed directly on top of me and started kneading my butt with her knees, that is.
(it should be noted that she was not, in fact, wearing green pajamas for the massage. but these were awfully hard to draw in mspaint even without also giving her stylish clothing.)

i had just about acclimated myself to having a woman kneeling on my butt, when she climbed off me, repositioned, and grabbed my ankles. and then this happened.
let's just say i'm pretty glad it was laundry day and i was wearing some of my uglier, more full-coverage underwear.

this was, as you can imagine, only the tip of the iceberg. many of the positions were far too complicated for my meager mspaint skills (for example: imagine me on my back, with my knees together but on the right side of my body to stretch my back. my left arm is being held out by her right arm, her right foot planted in my armpit to keep that side of me in place, and she's kneeling on my upper thighs with her other leg to keep me fully torqued. also i have on only underwear. AWESOME.)

it was.. well, "relaxing" was not exactly one of the words i'd use to describe it. acrobatic, yes. often painful, also yes. but oddly enjoyable. and most often, very undignified.



    Also, OMG OUCH.

  2. I...what?! And you were near-nekkid? I think I would have freaked out a little bit. These drawings are absolutely priceless though.

  3. There's a happy ending joke in there somewhere.

    Glad it worked for you. I've never wanted strangers manipulating my nekkid or near nekkid body. But, hey, I have issues.


    My boyfriend and I got massages in Thailand. He got the Thai massage and I got the regular full-body massage.

    We were in the same room so I saw how they were twisting and stretching and torturing his poor body. There was even a long, thick piece of bamboo involved.

    My massage wasn't as harsh but I'm glad my coworker warned me about massages in Thailand beforehand otherwise I would have been really freaked out by what happened.

    They massage EVERYWHERE and you're completely naked. The masseuse (I'm so glad it was a woman) massaged my breasts and butt and even my labia! The only thing she didn't do was stick her finger in.

  5. OMG!!! That sounds, um, interesting! The picture made me laugh out loud!

  6. So no Thai massage for me, NOTED!

    Also, snorting with laughter over here.

  7. I can see how alarmed you must have been with the approach. But, some of my best massages are those that involve work - my body working as the masseuse manipulates it. I've come out of those massages actually sweating ... but, my body reaps the benefits for days! The big question is whether you'd go to another Thai massage if the opportunity presented itself???

  8. Oh god. I love Thai massage but the few times I've had it done I was fully dressed (yoga clothes) and laying on this lovely heated floor pad thing. There kinda was a dude crawling all over me, but he was nice and not weird about it.

    Your pictures are SO EXCELLENT.

  9. You have killer mspaint skillz.

    I will NEVER get a Thai massage. So thank you for that!

  10. I am dying with laughter over your mspaint pictures, and then Nicole's comment about her labia massage made me lose it! I would have been SO uncomfortable.

  11. That woman made you her bitch! You just paid for a dominatrix AND LIKED IT.

    Best pictures EVER!

  12. Note to self, never get a Thai massage.

  13. Oh MY! That last picture really says it all!

  14. My goodness! Thank heavens you had underwear on!

    Did this leave you sore the next day? Or did it help?

  15. So timely! I just had a useless massage today in effort to win this fight against my angry neck. Now, I'm going to have my hubs do this to me and see if it works. Thanks for providing him with visual aids. :-)

  16. You're a pretty awesome MSpainter. And... I want a Thai massage.

  17. At that point, why bother with the sheet, you know?

    I once had a massage, I think they call it a "lymphatic massage". I didn't know I was getting one but when the lady came in, she immediately took the sheet off me then proceeded to spend about 15 minutes massaging my stomach in a circular motion to "clear out my nodes". I was paralyzed. I hate people touching my stomach.

    She also did that to my armpits and anywhere else nodes could be clogged. Then she said, "You'll probably have to go the bathroom within 15 minutes of the massage finishing so I'd be near one if I were you." Um, ok!

    And she wasn't talking about going pee. Ahem.

    But despite all this, I felt rather awesome after.

  18. AHAHHAHA! That last photo will the black bar on the chest made me laugh super hard.

    Also? I am SO ANNOYED that my workplace blocks your site because it considers it p0rnn. Then I have to wait until I remember to get on the computer at home (which never happens) so I can comment on your awesomeness a week later.

  19. I don't understand. I'm Thai and I've had tons of Thai massages both in Thailand and USA and I've never had to be naked. They don't massage your labia... As one of the commenter said. These sounds so shady and weird. Are they like $5 places or something? Love the drawings though. Very funny.

  20. I want to frame your drawings. They are outstanding.

  21. This piece was soooooo on point! I am in Thailand now vacationing in Bangkok and received a Thai massage yesterday and it was.......interesting. Let's just say the 15 minute boob massage was not appreciated and after the whole massage (yes this chick was crawling all over my back like she was trying to mount me), I felt that she needed a cigarette and should have paid me!