June 18, 2010

humiliating daily activities in my life volume 129836571

so i went to my first physical therapy session for the mystery tailbone pain the other day.

i've been to physical therapy before and am a HUGE believer in their practically magical ability to heal broken body parts, but i was a bit skeptical about how it was going to help me in this case. i mean, i don't appear to have any tendon or muscle issues; it's just this weird really painful area right on the bottom of my tailbone itself. but hey, i'm no doctor. maybe i did something weird to the muscle or tendon right on top of the bone! sure! let's give physical therapy a shot!

so i get there, and my physical therapist (who is also named alice!) has pretty much the same reaction as everyone else: huh. well. that's... weird. you sure you didn't fall?

(this was after an awkward conversation where i tried to explain what aerobic pole dancing entails to a 50ish year old woman who had clearly never heard of such a thing.)

after doing a diagnostic exam to check out the state of my body, make sure i didn't have some alignment problem contributing to the pain, etc., she concluded that:

a) my hips are really not flexible
b) one leg is 1cm shorter than the other
c) "it's no wonder" i'm not a runner "with those feet," and
d) none of these discoveries had any significant impact on my tailbone situation.

(although she did send me home with exercises for my hips / hamstrings, because apparently they're *that* bad.)

she told me she'd have to call some colleages and go back to her books to look up tailbone problems like mine, because it was so odd and rare. wheee. then she goes "as for therapy today.. i wonder if i should try electrical stimulation or ultrasound on you? hmm... let's see how ultrasound works."

me: ok. uh.. is it an ultrasound like.. you know.. for pregnant women...?
therapist alice: yes, same idea! it's sound waves, but without imaging, and at a higher frequency. it warms up the affected area and helps stimulate blood flow.
me: ok!

so i'm sure you guys are all familiar with where your tailbone is, but let me just remind you with this visual aid.
and my injury appears to be WAY at the bottom of the tailbone. so, take a minute, and try to visualize exactly HOW applying an ultrasound wand to that area would work.

if you visualized something like this, you would be correct.
that's me, facedown on the exam table, with my bare ass exposed and an ultrasound wand up in my bidness.

i'm scheduled for 11 more visits. sigh.

23 comments:

Trish said...

You poor thing! I'm so sorry to hear you had such a strange physical therapy session....if it makes you feel any better one of my legs is shorter than the other as well. Hope you have a nice weekend, I'll be in DC and will wave to you from Connecticut Ave! :)

Kristabella said...

Hahahaha! I'm sorry, but that is hilarious! Only you!

Also my hips aren't flexible either.

Meg said...

Huh, weird. You'd think after all the pole classes you WOULD have flexible hips...
I recently had a pilonoidal cyst burst right at the top of my ass crack...started with a really sore tailbone. But they usually affect hairy males aged 18-24...and I'm a 25 year old, not very hairy, GIRL. talk about embarrassing when I had to drop trou in the doctor's office :S

artemisia said...

My first thought was how could you not be fleixible with all those pole classes?

Also - oh, I am SO SORRY about the logistics of the ultrasound. I would be very - not relaxed.

However - I love your picture! Ha ha ha! You kill me.

pseudostoops said...

I am CRYING. I had to have ultrasound on my upper thigh region (verrrry upper thigh) which I thought was bad but: you win!

Sizzle said...

I had to have physical therapy on my arm/hand once when I had a bad bout of carpal tunnel. They hooked me up to those electric things and it felt like hundreds of ants crawling under my skin. Needless to say, I did not like it. But, I guess, it is better than having my ass hanging out while a PT rubs an ultrasound thingy on it.

Hope it goes by quickly!

Mike129 said...

Now *that* is funny.

And it would seem that the ultrasound wand is conveniently shaped like a dildo.

You do know how to party! ;)

(I really hope it helps.)

FoggyDew said...

Are you sure you're in the right place? Could it be an S&M place rather than PT. Many of these places have similar sounding names I'm told. Best advice: Bring a book and enjoy the ass massages.

Jess said...

But... did it... help? Also, please tell me your insurance is paying for all 12 of these sessions.

d e v a n said...

!!!

the new girl said...

BBAAAAHAHAHAAAA!

Your animation skillz are HAPPENING.

omfg.

Hillary said...

I, um, wow. I love you. I had excruciating tailbone pain a few years ago (have I told you this already?) and I refused to go to the doctor because I was envisioning, well, exactly what you described. The pain just went away on its on, by the way. It took a long fucking time but one day I was able to stand up from my chair without gasping in pain.

Hotch Potchery said...

I am laughing WITH you. Oh.

You weren't laughing?

Mm.

Shelly said...

Oh, that is priceless slash horrible! Very funny, as long as it's happening to someone else! I'm so sorry you're the someone else.

Stevie said...

I'm so glad that you are so willing to share all of this with us, and showcase your genius Paint skills! That picture is priceless :-)

Physical therapists are definitely workers of magic. I hope this all works for you!

Raven said...

Oh my god, I am laughing so hard I can barely type.

I freaking love you for posting this, for drawing it and for just for being so freaking awesome..

Oh my god, so fucking funny.

Shelly Overlook said...

The laugh you just gave me = priceless. Your humiliation is our gain. & the fact that you share it all makes me love you even more.

missris said...

AHAHAHA oh honey you poor thing! Um, laughter is the best medicine? I hope the magical wand helps!

kcinnova said...

Giggling uncontrollably here...

Your skillz at cartooning just make it even better. Hopefully that wand makes YOU better! :)

Marie said...

Hahaha! I'm sorry, I can't help but laugh! I freakin' adore you by the way. :)

I think a case study about your tailbone is going to be written up soon!

Anonymous said...

I believe that being fuck in the ass a few times a week can correct your tailbone problems.

kilax said...

Yikes. I hope the comment before mine is spam.

Do you have to be naked for the ultrasound? I have known people to get them who are not pregnant too. Always throws me off ;)

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

Your therapist prods you in the ass? I never knew that was ethical! ha.