June 02, 2010

hello! i suck at health.

so overall, 2010 has been a pretty good year. i mean, if you ignore the fact that i appear to be trying to single-handedly raise my company's insurance rates by going in for office visits roughly once a week, because DUDE. with the PROBLEMS.

waaaay back in march, i started noticing some pain around my tailbone. at first it was only if i was rolling over it - eg, doing a full sit up, or sitting down on the floor and rolling back a bit to steady myself, or any number of things in pole class - and it wasn't too severe; just annoying. then it got more annoying. then i was trying a new trick on the pole one evening and audibly yelped in pain, saw stars, and had to take several deep breaths to calm the nausea. i thought perhaps it was time to call the doctor.

so i did! i went in, she asked a few questions, asked if i'd fallen (no) or injured myself (no) or given birth (no, and OH MY LANDS i did not know you could break a tailbone doing that, holy mother of god). she kind of shrugged, said sometimes you don't know how or why you break your tailbone, and sent me in for xrays.

the next day, i went for a run. for, like, 30 seconds, because WOW NO. paaaiin in the arsey region. over the next day or 2 i went from "hey, it hurts to roll over this spot!" to "huh. it hurts to... sit. that's.. annoying."

and! the xray was negative. huh.

several weeks later, after the pain had increased to (and then topped out at) always-hurts-to-sit, wake-up-at-night-because-i'm-leaning-on-it-wrong, can't-bend-over-in-certain-directions hurt, i got an mri. also negative.

there was much general shrugging and the explanation that "sometimes people just have chronic tailbone pain." so sorry! you appear to be one of them! even though it usually stems from an injury that doesn't heal, uh, except you didn't have one of those, but whatever.

then i proceeded to get one of the more raging sinus infections i've experienced, hopped on a plane to san francisco the next day, and tried not to pop an eardrum. (doctor: normally i would tell someone in your condition not to fly. so, well, if you notice any discharge from your ear after you land, just.. uh, go to an ER immediately.) happily, i did not puncture an eardrum, but those flights did manage to basically negate the effects of the antibiotics, and the sinus infection lasted for a good two weeks.

and of course, i stayed at a hotel with bedbugs, and you know how that went.

and then last week, i found myself with a brand new issue: a staph infection. ON MY BOOB. one they're treating aggressively because of MRSA concerns.


i mean, i realize i probably don't, but JESUS, PEOPLE. can i please start healing from one random health problem before contracting a new and equally improbable one??

i'm giving myself one month to become uninfected and figure out how to stop being so hurty in the tailbone region, or i am officially firing my body.


  1. Oh ow, so sorry. My health woes are not so many, but they are enough to bug me severely, and as the tendinitis returns to my wrist I too feel like firing my body. Apparently 41 is The Year My Body Gives Up. Urgh.

  2. Oh my god, Alice! I hope the tailbone is nothing serious and that the MRSA on your boob turns out not to be MRSA but just a regular Staph infection (cause that's SO much better...heh). Sheesh, I hope you get better soon!

  3. Oh hai, I did not mean to ever let anyone else have my "year of suck" but apparently you caught it somehow.

    Soooo sorry.


  4. Jesus! I am so sorry! This is horrible.

    I am thinking of you!

  5. I gotta say that if Boyfriend is sticking with you through all this, he MUST be a keeper!

  6. bwhahahaha *gasping for breath* OH MY LANDS hahahah *holding onto the counter while clutching my ribs*

    oh, this isn't funny to you? well i laughed the whole way through. sorry!

    get well soon (also im emailing you about tailbone stuff)

  7. My friend has an effed up tailbone. She broke it years ago in basic training (ex army). She ignored it for several years until it started giving her issues when she was stationed in Kuwait. For the longest time she was in loads of pain. I think that it's getting better though, she hasn't complained about it for awhile.

    And I was sick every other week between 2008-2009. Partially it was due to the fact I literally spent most of the week sitting in doctor's offices for my job-but my stress level was always really high and when I'm stressed...I get sick.

  8. Jesus LORD are you KIDDING with the MRSA on your boob? I mean good god somebody up there HATES YOU. But WHY?

  9. You know how in sports they say a person is injury riddled? That's you.

    You are the Brian Westbrook, Chipper Jones, Kevin Garnett of life.

  10. Wow. Those bed bug pictures were ridiculous.

    Staff on your boob. Gotta ask the question...where you putting that thing???

  11. NO. GOOD. No good at all! I hope everything heals, feels better, and is in working order, stat. I ask you, 2010, is this any way to treat a lady who is focusing on a different charity each month? I think you are looking for Sarah Palin instead of Alice.

  12. Holy sheist, when it rains it pours. Hang in there, take all the meds they tell you to, do all the exercises they tell you to, GET YOURSELF FIXED. <3

  13. Oh, no! This all just sounds like too much.

    I would fire your body straight away and get a healthier one.

    Now, I am kinda of fond of that body, so if you like me to take it off of your hands, I am sure we could work something out. ;)

  14. I also suck at health. In college I got a staph infection in my leg and the doctor told me it was POISON IVY and then I like almost died. True story.

  15. OH MY you poor, poor thing. I hope your body sorts itself out soon... though nice to finally know what's going on while trying to deduce it from your Twitter updates!

  16. Almost speechless. Almost.

    Did you tell the doctor you do pole dancing? Not to get her all excited or anything, but if a person can break a tailbone giving birth (I had NO IDEA and I've done that 4 times... did I mention the last kid weighed 9lbs, 8 oz?) then why not pole dancing?

    I've "bruised" my tailbone before, falling down (because apparently I am a klutz) and it HURT. But after an ambulance ride to the ER (because my legs were temporarily paralyzed from the PAIN) my xray showed no break. They gave me nice drugs and an inflatable donut to sit upon. (Got those?)
    However, I have never had a staph infection (MRSA? Please, NO!!) on my boob. I am in agony just reading that.

    I think you need a vacation. At a medical spa.

  17. I've heard of people having to have their tailbones adjusted by a chiropractor but you have to call and ask if they do it because um, it's performed in what you would call an awkward way.

    I hope you don't have MRSA on your boob!

    Feel better.

  18. My body sucks at being a body too. It just refuses to remain healthy for any extended period of time. My body hates me.

  19. Ok, time OUT, because WHAT DO YOU MEAN sometimes you don't know how or why you broke your tailbone??? (!!) What the everloving FUCK?

    Also, there is clearly something wrong with me, because when you were describing how it hurts when you "do a full situp" or "roll back on the floor to steady yourself" I was all SHE MEANS WHEN SHE HAS SEX. Heh.

    Um. Sorry. Overshare.

  20. good grief woman!

    dear Alice's body,
    Straighten up right now!
    Alice's readers

  21. Oye vey! I'm sorry about your staff and your ass!

    Seriously, I am such a baby I'm pretty sure I would go absofreakin crazy in your position!

    Hope you feel better soon!

  22. WTH, girl? That's no good. Let me know if you need me to break your body's knee caps. You know, to send a stern warning. Or something like that.

  23. Me thinks you need to go on a vacation where there is sand + sun (with no oil slick) and drink margaritas all day. Mainly because you need a vacation from all this crazy health stuff!

  24. Oh lady, I'm sorry you're having such a rough year health-wise. Your body is being a bit of a bitch. I hope it stops being bitchy very soon.

  25. also, I'm pretty sure that you should call the nasty hotel and inform them that their bedbugs gave you a boob infection, just to see what their reaction is.

  26. Oh Lord, it's on your boob? JESUS! You can't win for losing! Get better soon! It's an order!

  27. YIKES! That is way too much. Hope at least one thing gets better right away!

  28. hope you boob heals quickly. If it makes you feel better, I keep on getting infections on my nut sac when I try to run. They tell me to use glide or vaseline.

    a toast to a more healthy and less doctory rest of 2010.

    Alister Britley

  29. Jesus Christ Alice

    Your tail bone problem is easy to correct. Just tell your boyfriend that you arent going to take it in the ass anymore.

  30. I love how you can go to the doctor and they can say, "Yeah that hurts and we don't have any idea how to fix it. HAVE FUN WITH THAT!" WTF? They are doctors! They gotta figure it out!


    I sincerely hope you feel better. That's a seriously bad string of bad health luck.

  31. Uhm, don't you have to touch MRSA to contract MRSA? So, uhmmm, where are you putting your boobs, lady?

    And does this mean the Boy has to keep his hands off the boob? You know, so, he doesn't get MRSA on his hands, and then goes to pee and then has MRSA on his... well, you know....

    Or maybe there was MRSA on his hands in the first place?

    Seriously, feel better soon. I demand it.

  32. jiminy crickets you're a mess!

  33. Oooh, have you EVER hurt your tailbone? I fell on mine in 7th grade and got a cyst from it my first week of college--we're talking at least 5.5 years later-- pain like you describe-- searing, tear-jerking pain starting in less than a week. On the drive to school I noticed my butt was a little sore, but I figured it was just from being crammed in the car so weirdly. A week later, it was so bad I could barely walk, sit, sleep, anything. I went in and they lanced it... as soon as they poked it, it exploded. But ohhhhhhh, the relief.
    Any chance you got the staph infection from the pole at class?? You should mention it to them, just in case.
    .... I'm all about pole-cleanliness....

  34. Oh my gosh! I was feeling bad and going to ask if your tailbone was still sore... but a staph infection! :(

    Don't you love it when the doctors cannot find the source of your pain at all? Oh the joys...