happy monday, you guys!
that was awfully cheery of me for a monday morning, wasn't it? on a related note, how magical is coffee? here is a gchat i sent to @makarlin not even an hour ago:
makarlin: what's shakin bacon?
me: not too much. staring purposelessly at my monitor mostly. perhaps i need coffee?
and now! i have had coffee, and i am in an actual good mood now. magical, i say.
to celebrate the good mood, and also because i planned to do this anyway, what say you guys to a good old fashioned bloggy care package giveaway? shelly recently sent me an awesome little package that included the novel The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, which i decided within about 20 pages was a) fantastic and b) needed to be passed on to someone else once i was done, because it's fantastic.
i also picked up a few wee goodies from my travels to stick into the package, and i'm sure i'll supplement it with a few other niceties. so! leave a comment on this post between now and.. say.. thursday at midnight EST, and you'll be entered to get the package. and who doesn't like mail? COMMUNISTS, that's who.
in other news, helpful public service announcement: it turns out "adult medium" ice skaters are not the same size as "adult medium" other people. i know this because i ordered an "adult medium" ice skating outfit off of ebay for my halloween costume, which is going to be tonya harding. (ice skating outfit + ice skates slung over shoulder + metal pipe. come on, that's just funny!) i got a seriously awesome sleeveless red velour leotard with crisscrossing straps, with a fluttery red gauze skirt attached. SUPER SWEET, right?
um, except when it's made for people who are a) 5'2" and b) have no body fat. i am 5'8" and have ample body fat. so i found myself with a leotard that cut painfully into both my shoulders and my Lady Bits, while also attractively squishing the fat around my hips into sausage-casing-esque rolls right above the flutter skirt. less SUPER SWEET and more SUPER MEGA UNATTRACTIVE. i mean, i wasn't hoping to win any beauty awards with this costume - i do not think that even a well-fitting unitard is exactly a Good Look for me - but was hoping for something not quite as unfortunate as this.
so last night i lengthened the straps by sewing some ribbon patches on (BY HAND! OMG! GAH!), which has significantly helped the torso length issue, but sadly does nothing for the sausage-casing issue. looks like the time has come to finally invest in some spanx.
But how can you skate in Spanx? Is it even possible? Sounds like an extra reason why the skates need to be over your shoulder and not on your feet.
ReplyDeleteYesterday I had to sacrifice one of John's old undershirts to the altar of Halloween. I cut 2 three-inch-wide panels from the underarms of the undershirt and installed them in a girl scout blouse that I had inadvertently purchased in a size 10 GIRLS. Now the thing will fit over my shoulders (happily) but is still veering way too far into midriff-baring territory (my midriff is in no condition to be bared).
ReplyDeleteAh, the things we do for costuming. At least I have a sewing machine.
Clearly, adult medium ice skaters need to eat a damn sandwich and follow it up with some milk so they can get on the same sizing scales as the rest of us. Maybe you could put a word in for me with the postal gods though, cause I'm still waiting for the main component of my costume to show up.
ReplyDeleteYou are the 10th person to talk about that book. Maybe I should check it out. Maybe. I need an intervention for my illiteracy.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure most ice skaters are 5'2. It's like gymnastics on ice, right? =) Hope the modest improvements make wearing it bearable. If not, try a few shots of patron before you leave. ha.
ReplyDeleteyou have an actual metal pipe? that is fantastic.
ReplyDeleteI can't really imagine you looking like a sausage in anything... but if worse comes to worse, you could be T. Harding, Washed-Up-Has-Been of the ice skating world.
ReplyDeleteElliott is going to be a chicken, so I think I'm going to be a farmer. But that's as much thought as I've put into it.
I ♥ a giveaway!
ReplyDeleteIf I'd had a bit more notice I probably could've got you some kind of gymnastics gear. I know we've got some leos and things around here somewhere. Maybe next year.
All you really need is a crowbar to pull off the costume, right? :p
ReplyDeleteDamn Communists anyway.
ReplyDeleteI saw your "fixing skating costume" tweet the other day and I was thinking to myself "When I miss Alice becoming a professional skater?" Hee hee.
Several things:
ReplyDelete1. I've seen live and in person and you have zero fat rolls. Having said that, as you are not 5'2" I can see how the length of the thing could be strangling your lady parts. No one wants that.
2. Please tell me you're taking pictures of this once you've worked out all the kinks.
3. I just got that book and I can't wait to read it.
Bummer that it's not quite the right size. It' super cute though! Hopefully you can make it work.
ReplyDeleteIt's a cute costume - I hope you can make it work!
ReplyDeleteI'm 5'2"! But I have body fat. So, um, no go on that one.
ReplyDeleteHow about I save you some mail postage and you just go ahead and give me that lovely prize (minus the book because I already have it!)? Yes? Yes.
wish I had known I have an "awesome" aka horrible pink velour ice skaters costume from like... 10 years ago. i bet it would fit you!
ReplyDeleteHow, oh how, did you get a metal pipe? Was this one of your goodies from your travels to the former Communist motherland?
ReplyDeleteI heard from the roommate that this was a great book but I hadn't had a chance to pick it up yet. Maybe I need to take her up on that offer.
ReplyDeleteOMG I read Girl With The Dragon Tattoo this weekend and it was absolutely amazing. I totally understand your desire to pass it on. It's all about sharing the book-love :)
ReplyDeleteWell, at least your costume is timely. ;)
ReplyDeletei HATE Halloween costumes. they all fit like this. except for the one that was some super hero that I got. it was really for someone that was 5'0" and apparently had a butt bigger than texas. the costume fit fine except for the short legs and the butt that was dragging on the ground.
ReplyDeleteWhat fat rolls? Woman, you jest!
ReplyDeleteI spent one Halloween as a black cat, with black fishnet stockings. My dh went as a lion tamer and I drew red cat scratches on his face, chest, and arms. Rawr!
I just picked up that book yesterday!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I love your Hallowe'en costume.
Oh, spanx...you devils...you have to get a pair that go to your ankle, though. Unless you want that lovely line on your thights under your tights...I dont even know how that would work...
ReplyDeleteGiveaway! Yay! I keep thinking it would be fun to do one!
ReplyDeleteOoo, I cannot WAIT to see the whole ensemble!
I think I should win said giveaway since the damn Power Panties were my idea in the first place.
ReplyDeleteDid you ever find someone to do Nancy Kerrigan and just flail about and scream WHHHHHHHYYYYYYYY????!!!
(teeeee heeeee)
Do you have a blonde flippy/feathered/INSANE BANGS wig?
ReplyDeleteSkaters' legs always have the sheen of HEAVY SUPPORT HOSE. It's totally legit.
ReplyDeleteI have not heard of this book. Must look into it soon :)
ReplyDeleteI am impressed that you were resourceful enough to fix even the torso issue! Well done.
ReplyDeleteAnd you loved "Dragon Tattoo" right from the start?? I have a couple friends who've read it who said it gets very good about halfway through but is annoying and tedious before that. Hmm...
Perhaps you can wear some tattered kind of bathrobe over the too tight costume...an after the Olympics Version of Tonya. Perhaps a beer can in the pocket? trucker hat?
ReplyDeleteI'm impressed!!!!
I'm 5'3" send it on over when you're done. I thought that was the giveaway for a second.
ReplyDeleteA contest giftie would be awesome and very much appreciated after the last craptacular month. Yea!!
ReplyDeleteIs this competition open to South Africans as well? I live in Cape Town ...
ReplyDeleteAgh ... sucks about the leorard.
As a figure skater I can easily say that the sizing is garbage. I think I wore amedium when I was 12 and I am only 5'2"! Note: if you're going out as Tonya Harding don't forget the blue eyeliner!
ReplyDeleteI have heard so much about that book and want to read it!! Cute costume idea, I hope it works out for ya!
ReplyDeleteI would love a care package ..... as long as it doesn't include the costume ....
ReplyDeleteSo communists don't like mail. LMAO. Learn something new every day!
ReplyDeleteGlad I'm not the only one thinking of a classic costume. Now all I have to do is find a khaki shirt I don't mind cutting a little hole in and staining red to go as Steve Irwin.
ReplyDeleteCreative. Just call you Martha Stewart!
ReplyDeleteI had no idea Communists hate mail.
Well, despite my communist inclinations, I would LOVE a care package! I need care.
ReplyDeletepick me, pick me! even though i don't write anything, anymore, ever...pick me!
ReplyDelete:)
Why do you live so far away from me??
ReplyDeleteI think your idea is FABULOUS! I came up with a great idea for the hubs, he is going as "The Dude" because The Dude abides, man. Also the dude gets to wear a robe and drink White Russians all night.
Also, I love presents almost as much as cake; cake is CLEARLY superior but that won't help me win a present, now will it?
I'm painfully behind on your blog, but god I hope it gave you cameltoe because she ALWAYS had cameltoe. Have you seen her on that cable show where they have commenters on dumb videos? She RUINS EVERYTHING SHE TOUCHES
ReplyDelete