July 10, 2009

proof that it's not JUST internet guys

there's unfortunately no way i'm going to be able to convey the level of fundamental ickiness my girlfriends and i encountered last night, but i feel the need to make an attempt if only to prove that it's not JUST the internet guys who are creeps. this is for everyone who is skeptical of why i go online to meet guys, since obviously all guys who have to resort to finding women online are sketchy losers, right? first off, i've met plenty of (non-sketchy) guys online; secondly, i'd like to introduce you to the kind of man we single ladies have the privilege of meeting in person.

two of my girlfriends and i had been out to dinner at willow last night, and decided to head to the front page for a drink or two afterwards. we were sitting at a corner of the bar, commenting on how cute the guy directly across from us was, when the bartender suddenly came over with shots for each of us, courtesy of the guy across the bar. we all broke into huge grins and followed the bartender's finger.... to the highly doofus-y looking guy sitting NEXT to the cute guy. oh. grins now frozen into rictuses, we air-cheersed the guy and took the shots. well, i pretended to, anyway. i hardly ever do shots, and certainly not an enormous red headed slut on a night when i was not trying to get drunk.

aaaand next thing we know, doofy and his buddy have come over to talk to us. now, due to my upbringing under a rock, i've never seen this show personally, but alyssa says that the two of them seriously reminded her of lenny and squiggy from laverne & shirley.

our squiggy had a very similar hair style, except his (similarly receding) hair was longer - curly and unkempt. he was about 5'6" and wearing a tshirt that was too tight, so that it stretched taut across his belly. he came up waaaay too close to me, smoking, and told me he was trying to get his sister to dress more fashionably, so could i tell him where i got my (completely generic, frayed-edge) shirt? then mentioned, while holding his cigarette so that the smoke wafted directly into my face, that he hoped i didn't mind that he was smoking. (i cannot WAIT for va to go smoke free like dc. PLEASE PASS THAT BILL.)

we started out polite, but we were so very, very not flirty with these guys. when they got weirder and weirder - and wouldn't leave - we stopped being polite and tried to stop interacting. they would not go away, and they would not stop trying to engage us in conversation. squiggy there was so creepy than when my friend liz got up to go to the bathroom, and squiggy wandered off directly behind her, alyssa and i were honestly concerned he followed her into the women's bathroom for.. uh.. bad things. i hopped of my barstool and literally ran to the bathroom to make sure squiggy hadn't cornered her in a stall or something. liz was fine, though, with squiggy nowhere to be seen. turns out he'd circled back and sidled up next to alyssa as soon as she was alone and defenseless at the bar.

it's hard to describe creepy guys like this - telling this story doesn't make them seem that bad, just like your garden-variety loser who gets too drunk and hits on girls at bars. except it was like 8:30 or 9, no one was drunk, and squiggy was.. i don't know, a step above the normal guy who hits on you when you don't want him to. i mean, how many times have you run to the bathroom in a low key, perfectly normal establishment to make sure your girlfriend hadn't been assaulted? it was a first for me. liz was parked about a block and a half away from the metro, but alyssa and i were adamant about walking her all the way there - in BALLSTON, of all places - because we didn't trust these guys not to follow us out, especially if one person separated from the others.

so anyway, my point is: this is what the "real world" has to offer. the creeps and the losers are definitely not confined to just the internet.

20 comments:

  1. Creepers in the real world is why I meet people off the internet.

    True story.

    ReplyDelete
  2. ugh - sorry you had a gross encounter on what sounds like an otherwise fun night, lady!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yeah. Because the shocking thing about the people on the internet is that THEY ARE ALSO FROM THE REAL WORLD. It's all one and the same.

    Also, Willow is in the building where I used to work! I've been there! And to Front Page too! Ah, DC/NOVA. I heart.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ew and I know EXACTLY what type of guys you are talking about. I've been VERY rude to many of them who have come up to my friends and I. I basically told two guys once to get the F--- out of where we were. My friends thought I was about to punch them both.

    I almost did.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Well, in fairness, those guys are probably on the internet, too. Maybe they were just "slumming it" in the real world for a change!

    Seriously scary stuff though -- do you carry any Mace or an ASP or anything?

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think most of us starting turning to the Internet BECAUSE of all the freaks and weirdos in the real world. They're everywhere. Like bacteria.

    ReplyDelete
  7. ewwwwwwww! those guys were sketchy!!
    hopefully you will meet much more interesting (not sleazy!) guys this weekend!! have fun!

    ReplyDelete
  8. This is why I don't go to the Front Page in Ballston. Gross.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I just don't get how any one dude can be so borderline criminal in his approach.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I haven't been on a date in oh... 12 years, and now I'm kind of glad. Those guys sound like MAJOR creeps!

    ReplyDelete
  11. There are certain classes that high schools MUST teach ALL students that many (or all) have yet to offer. I think how to talk to the opposite sex appropriately comes just after personal finance. I kid you not. Guys like this disgust me (and I'm the type of friend who would've let it be known to them in very clear terms).

    ReplyDelete
  12. CREEPY, but still not like the guy at the TGIFriday's....that dude still creeps me out and it didn't.even.happen.to.me.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Continuing on my OKC thinking, I will say that the two girls I went out with from "real life" late last year were actually less interesting than well-screened OKC girls. One of them was incredibly cute, but I am not shallow enough to date someone just for their cleavage. At least, not three times :) I got really skeptical with "Evolution? You believe in that?" BUT I'm trying not to write people off for just one thing, no matter how "important" it is, so I went with it. Our opposing views on torture/Guantanamo, though, really killed it. I can't date someone who is okay with torture purely "if it makes [me] feel safer".

    I'm struggling to remember the other, but I definitely remember the skeezy guy my friends got thrown out of Rocket Bar the other week (does that place smell like bleach to anyone else?). He definitely was aggressive at the bar, but when he came over to our tables, Wendy finally talked to the bartender, who was nice enough to have him removed AND hook us up with a round of free shots. This guy was Mr. Creepy. When someone asked how much he had, he was like "Not as much as you think. I saw you come in at 6:30, you've been to the bar four times, your friend came in at 5:45 and has been five times" "That's super creepy" "I'm just observant, baby". Yeeeeeah.

    I forget what the moral is here. Creepsters are everywhere? That might be kind of depressing.

    ReplyDelete
  14. You know, we should create a card that is the opposite of slipping a guy your number. You would carry this card with you, and then when in aforementioned dire situation, you would hand the guy your preprinted card which would say: "Although I am smiling, your presence is actually causing me pain. I'm smiling because I think you are a loser and your feeble attempt to pick me up is making me laugh. I am not trying to play hard to get or acting coy. Please save us both time and energy and move along. Your cooperation is appreciated."

    Granted, this assumes dumbasses know how to read. Maybe it should just say, "NO LIKE YOU."

    ReplyDelete
  15. I lurrrrrrve Jess Loolu's comment, and I will just say ditto, because I am snorting too much to think of anything else. OMG Lenny and Squiggy.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I've been here before - I remember that profile picture! But you looked different in person, so I didn't put 2 and 2 together. Nice meeting you tonight! And stop taking drinks from weirdos in bars....

    ReplyDelete
  17. The biggest freak I have gone out with in the past three years was a guy I met in real life, not on the Internet. So yes, you can meet a weirdo in real life just as easily as online. Weirdos are everywhere, unfortunately. Glad you all got out unscathed.

    ReplyDelete
  18. It was great to meet you last night! Now I have a voice to go with your words (and the story is even wilder in person).
    I'm trying to imagine life without Laverne & Shirley, Lenny and Squiggy... nope, no can do. You need to youtube for old shows.

    Maybe you could have told him you were allergic to smoke, or at least that it makes you sick? Eewwwww...
    I had a guy hit on me (probably the one and only time) when I went out with some girlfriends for my 22nd birthday. Even when I clearly showed my engagement ring, he just didn't get it. Some guys are totally clueless.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Ugh those icky creeps are everywhere. Where is a girl to hide?

    ReplyDelete
  20. I attract weirdos and assholes and old men so I hear where you are coming from. Yup, I would definitely say bars are NOT the place to meet guys. Though I did meet my guy at a bar - but ONLY because it was her bday party and she introduced us :P Otherwise...HAIL NO!

    ReplyDelete