July 09, 2009

more bad internet dates! i do it for YOU, folks. for you.

god, this has been a long week, and it's still only THURSDAY. and it's not even like anything has been going on this week; it's just been long. and boring. these 5 day weeks are inhumane, yo.

in much better news, though, this weekend is looking like it's going to be downright AWESOME. whose theme will be: all-blogger, all the time. tomorrow is the nova blogger meet up; @makarlin arrives from the windy city tonight (!! WHEE!); and the dc bloggers are convening for a night of debauchery on saturday. (pst! local and want to come play but don't have the details? email me!)

so last week, on dcprincess's suggestion, i joined okcupid. i'd quit match a few months ago, and while i'm certainly not regretting that decision, i also.. um... haven't had any dates. and okcupid is free. score!

but, um, let's just say my first experience on there has been.... well. "alarming" comes to mind.

i agreed to meet up with a pretty cute guy last wednesday night. let's call him... sam. there was a whole debacle around him actually showing up for the date, but short version: he got super lost and was nearly an hour and a half late. he was in contact that whole time, though, so it's not like i was sitting there wondering where he was (well, aside from in the very literal sense, since HE didn't know where he was). anyway. he eventually shows up, the date goes fine enough; he's a nice guy but i wasn't getting the sense there was much potential there for an actual relationship.

so we eventually pay up and head back to our cars. once we get to mine, he... well, he pretty much jumps me. on the one hand, i like to make out with boys, and he was pretty cute, so i was not entirely opposed to the idea. on the other hand, diving face first into my cleavage and trying to get hands up my skirt - all while standing in a parking lot - is a bit much for having just met you 2 hours ago, dude. so i laughingly but firmly put an end to the excessive gropage and sent him on his merry way.

two days later, i get a voicemail from sam apologizing for not calling sooner, saying he had a really nice time on the date, and he hopes he didn't "scare me off." i got the vm right as i was walking out the door with a book for some reading in the sun, so i decided to call him back after my read.

an hour and a half later, i get a text message: "i did scare you off, huh? that's ok, it happens...sorry. you're a cool chick. good luck on okc!"

dude. really? i didn't reply for an hour and a half. on a holiday. calm down.

i called him back a little while later and got his vm, leaving a generic message and saying maybe we'd connect later in the weekend. shortly after leaving that, though, i decided i really had no interest in connecting with him at all, so figured i'd just let it go to voicemail again if he called back and that would be the end of things.

fast forward to tuesday, when i'm at my girlfriend alyssa's house for dinner. my phone rings while we were in the middle of a conversation, and when i reached into my purse to silence it, accidentally answered it instead. and of course it was sam. i panicked and hit "end," which yeah, mean, whatever. he called right back and this time i did let it go to voicemail.

a minute after that, my phone chimes to alert me i have a text message - three times in a row. which means he had sent me a THREE PAGE LONG TEXT MESSAGE. three. pages. of how i was fake and i "get what i want" then "have regrets the next day" and ignoring him will only egg him on and he never should have kissed me. THREE PAGES.

so as not to "egg him on," i text him back this (and yeah, white lie, so sue me): "i was on another call before and accidentally answered / hungup trying to send the call to vm. but you're right, you have now officially come on too strong."

upon which my phone rings AGAIN. alyssa is laughing hysterically by this point. i didn't answer, obviously, and then about 2 minutes later - MINUTES! - the phone beeps again to let me know i have voicemail. he had left me a TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL lamenting the fact that people don't say what they feel and how he was sorry we had misunderstood each other and also i was a really cool girl and he's just so frustrated with people in general, and so he'll talk to me later - or not - and hopes we're cool.

AND THEN SENDS YET ANOTHER (two page) TEXT MESSAGE. about how he's pretty sure he sabotages himself subconsciously and then spends so much time trying to dig himself out of the hole, and also he wants me to know i have a cute nose.

i can see why some women say they'd rather just not date.

33 comments:

mylittlebecky said...

i think i went on an awkward first date with this guys as well! was her four feet tall and hispanic. no? just me. he defriended me (burn!) on myspace (back when it was cool. ha!) after using all other forms of communication to weird out. good times.

Jess said...

This guy sounds like a total loser, but I also feel sorry for him because OMG. Head is exploding with reasons why I feel sorry for him. Wants to get some action. Has no idea how. Wants to date a cute girl. Has no idea how. Is cute himself but totally wastes that. Has no idea of social boundaries. Sucks to date him, but sucks even more to BE him.

Whimsy said...

OH. MY.

SoMi's Nilsa said...

Oh dear. I love how guys term this behavior as coming off too strong. And if women exhibit the same behavior, we're dubbed desperate or crazy.

I can tell you from my experiences dating online that the free websites yield way more freaks. Exponentially. I hope this is an isolated incident for you.

Dmbosstone said...

I love how frustration turns guys into crazy people. However I've also encountered my share of crazy women as well. Makes me scared to try online dating.

Hillary said...

So I'm pretty sure that you shouldn't date him again because I'm fairly certain that you would end up murdered.

And you DO have a cute nose.

And I'm very jealous of all these blogger meet-ups. Sometimes I wish I lived on the east coast but then I remember that I hate snow and being cold. So. Have fun!

sil said...

wow! i think this is the perfect premise for your new book - "she's just not that into you"

:)

Rachel said...

I definitely may have gone on a date with this guy too. After a show at 9:30 club, which we agreed to go to after maybe a minute of talking on line, he barely said to words to me, and then the day after, calls me which I don't pick up because I'm at work (duh, it's 2pm on a Friday), and he basically texts and calls incessently until I finally get a text that says, "Have a nice life." So yeah, the crazys are abundant on line. I'm glad you suffer so for our entertainment :)

Malnurtured Snay said...

Well, your nose is kind of cute.

BigSis said...

Yikes. I guess we all know why he's single, huh?

BeckEye said...

Oh God. What a freak. Unfortunately, the freaks aren't just limited to online dating sites. But I haven't been on a date since the Mesozoic Era, so a freak actually doesn't sound so bad right around now.

Of course, I say that until I meet one.

You've gotta love the bone-jumping out of nowhere. I once went on a blind date with this guy who seemed totally not into me. We met up very casually, I with some friends after work and he with 2 of his friends, at a local bar. I assumed that he was disappointed in his date because he proceeded to look around the bar at everyone BUT me. My one guy friend was ready to kick his ass, and it turned out one of HIS friends was my old boss from a job I'd had fresh out of college and so he and the other friend sat and talked to me all night while my date remained completely aloof. I wasn't really that interested either, because he had way too much gel in his hair and a fake tan (eeesh), but I still was polite. Then, his friends decided they wanted to leave, but he said he wanted to hang out and asked me if I could drive him home. Red flag #1, but I agreed. Then, we hung out and watched this band and had a few drinks (well, I had a few while he pounded vodka tonics) while having hardly ANY conversation, and when he did talk, it was mind-numbingly stupid shit. So then I drove him home and he asked me to come in and see his place because he had just moved in. Red flag #2, but I said I'd stop in for a minute. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, thinking that maybe he took a while to warm up to people or that it was too hard to talk at the bar with all the noise and our respective groups of friends around. (I don't frequently give men the benefit of the doubt anymore.) He was telling the truth - he had just moved in because there was no furniture in the living room. He asked me some bullshit question about how I would arrange the furniture and what color I think would look nice on the walls, and before I could answer, he shoved his tongue down my throat and started trying to stick his hand down my pants. I was like, "Yo dude, back the fuck up!" Then he told me the only furniture he had was his bed if I wanted to go in the bedroom. When I said no, he asked if I wanted to LIE DOWN ON THE FLOOR. I was like, good luck with the paint job...and life...and got the hell out of there.

PQ said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Um.

Sorry...haha.

I haven't met anyone off there yet...And the only person I'll prob meet will be the cutie I mentioned in my blog today but he & I have already been texting...so I know his vibe...Besides, after my last 'dating' disaster, I'm ready for anything.

Marie said...

Ok there Mr. Crazy.

Did you see He's Just Not That Into You? If so, do you remember the girl who can't ever tell a guy isn't into her at all and she's super obsessive? Well this guy is exactly like that girl.

Freak.

d e v a n said...

Jeebus!

Tess said...

This guys sounds CREEPY. Good lord. Fucking hot guys. Honestly.

lustyreader said...

can *gasp* not *wheeze* catch my breath...laughing too hard...

you do have a cute nose though. what an astute young man.

Stevie said...

What is WRONG with people?! I had some similar experiences with stalker-ish guys on e-harmony. Like the guy who wanted me to go visit his family with him. In Wisconsin. I live in Seattle. AFTER ONE DATE. Holy hell.

justjp said...

Ummm, What??? Really? You're screwing with me right? Who acts like that? This is the reason I own several fire arms.

f.B said...

haha.

you're fake and "get what you want," huh? which, i guess, is being groped by a virtual stranger in the parking lot.

this is EXACTLY what i meant by 97% are douches, yesterday. exactly.

Shelly said...

Um...does he have multiple personalities? Weird shit.

kilax said...

LOL! Poor guy. He is coming on too strong. He's overbearing!

Raven said...

Wow, Hi Crazy! He sounds like the dude that wanted me to meet his family after our lunch date. ONE LUNCH DATE.

I'm sorry you had to experience that nutbag....but I did laugh so thank you for sharing!

J said...

Ah ha! So it's really hard to say all this without sounding creepy, but I saw your OKC profile recently, and when you commented on Rachel's blog today, I couldn't help but notice the thumbnail and think "Hey, she looks familiar!" It turns out I was correct :)

So, I've been on OKC for many years (longer than my profile (SecretlyNerdy) would indicate). I wouldn't say it's been an entirely bad experience; in fact, it's really quite fun and addictive, but I can't say I use it much for dating anymore. Sometimes, but rarely. I've met a good friend there, though.

I went on a dating hiatus awhile back and upon my return, decided I should be much more selective, for many, many reasons. For reasons probably not best enumerated here, the hiatus was partly inspired by the crazy women of OKC.

Many of whom expected me to put out on the first date. Including the one who I VERY explicitly told I was not interested in dating anyone at the moment, that I had too much stress and too much going on. She was... understanding after I succumbed *partially* to her feminine wiles, but after that time, I did back off and reiterate that I was not interested. It could be said my first night's behavior was misleading, but uh, when she would say things like "Don't worry, I'll just get you drunk sometime" and I had to say things like "No, you won't" I worried. Since we were trying to be friends (at least I was), at one point she met some of my friends and definitely played herself up as a girlfriend of sorts..

But yeah, I have a feeling OKC people are a touch more frisky than, well, normal people.

I'd try to tack down a good screening process. The way I figured it, if I was on OKC, there must be *other* cool people, too :)

Hotch Potchery said...

That was an AWE.SOME. story. Thank you, thank you.

Please more?

Knot said...

I don't understand WHY Sam is single????

Shelly Overlook said...

Such a mystery he isn't already taken, huh?

Why is there no happy medium???

pseudostoops said...

I am CRYING over here. Hooboy, I love me some good tales of dating crazy!

Um, sorry you had to go through that, but if something similar happens again, promise you'll tell us about it? Pretty please?

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

oh my gosh alice!!!

i'm sorry to laugh but that was hilarious.

at least you got to make out for a bit, ha.

kcinnova said...

That? Is. just. too. much.

Maybe at dinner tomorrow we should talk about how to meet decent guys?

bernthis said...

oh God. What a nightmare. Let it go to V.O> FOREVER

Swistle said...

Oh, I just love this. LOVE. THIS. What a crackpot.

3carnations said...

What did he mean by you get what you want? It doesn't seem like you got anything you wanted there...

You're so nice. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have called back after the parking lot groping.

Suburban Sweetheart said...

Freaking yikes.

I had a good OKCupid experience, actually, which feels amazingly impossible after my poor JDate experience (see blog if you are unfamiliar with this disaster). Maybe try again with someone new? Make sure to write back & forth a little bit because I feel like it helps weed out the crazies a little...

Also: Good luck to THAT guy ever finding ANYone.