July 15, 2009

loss

the other night i was lying on the couch catching up on some dvr when my phone rang. it was an unknown number, so i ignored it, as i usually do; a few moments later the phone beeped to tell me i had a voicemail. the message started with giggling, then the phone was passed around a table with different people saying "hi, alice!" then finally got to the owner of the phone, who said something along the lines of "i guess we should tell you who this is... it's lorelei! and alana, and mike!! call us back when you get this, we would love to catch up and say hi!!"

lorelei, alana, and mike are not their real names, incidentally. but the back story on each of them:
alana: my freshman roommate in college; we had a great time together and made great roommates. i ended up living in the french house on campus after freshman year, though (i know, i'm a dork).

matt: a buddy from our freshman hall.

lorelei: as a freshman hallmate who practically lived in the room with alana and me; she and alana ended up roommates for the subsequent two years.

after we graduated, i talked lorelei into moving down to dc with me, and we got an apartment with a third girl i also knew from college. i had just started at the airline, and got lorelei an interview in my department. she got the job, and things were awesome. we'd get up, get ready for work, commute to work together, literally sit next to eat other all day at work, go to lunch together, take breaks together, commute home together, and then hang out with our third roommate at night... and do the whole thing over again the next day.

in other words, we were bff and around each other 24/7.

she had a boyfriend who lived up in maryland, and often he'd come pick her up and take her to his house for the weekends, and i usually wouldn't hear from her at all when that happened. lorelei was not what you'd call "good at keeping in touch," so when she wasn't at our house or with me at work, i usually wouldn't hear from her.. even if i called or texted. it wasn't just me - she was like that with pretty much everyone. except her boyfriend, i guess.

fast forward a year and a half, and lorelei decided suddenly (or maybe just told us suddenly, i suppose) that she was moving to baltimore to be closer to the boyfriend and quitting her job at the airline. i was sad, especially because i knew her track record at returning calls / being a long distance friend, but she vowed to keep in touch and talk to me regularly. i believed her, because seriously. we spent ALL DAY, EVERY DAY together, basically talking incessantly. there was nothing that went on in either of our lives that the other person didn't instantly know everything about.

except with the move to baltimore, she virtually dropped off the face of the planet. she stopped answering phone calls. emails became spotty. she came to visit once - the third roommate and i were thrilled! - but it turns out it was basically just an excuse to pick up a couch we'd been holding on to for her. her boyfriend dropped her off on a friday night, and the march for women's rights was being held the next day, so i asked if she wanted to participate, which she agreed to. she ended up bowing out that morning, so i begged her not to leave before i got back from the march, or at the very least, call me if the boyfriend showed up and if it was a good time for me to head back, i'd do it so i could say goodbye before she left. i never got a call, and when i got home both lorelei and the couch were gone.

it was crappy. i didn't understand how she was able to go from having me 100% present in her life to not caring to hear from me or talk to me AT ALL. we hadn't had a fight; i was nearly certain she wasn't mad at me... i knew it was basically just laziness. she had more or less replaced me with her boyfriend. i, however, was left with a pretty gaping void in my life.

after that, i'd occasionally get an email from her after six months of silence, asking excitedly how i was, and what was going on with my life, and she missed me so much, and how were things, and tell her everything!!! in turn, i'd get all excited because OMG! LORELEI WROTE ME! hooray! and write a big email back about everything going on in my life and asking how she was, and how the boyfriend was, and how the new job was...... and she'd never, ever write back.

six months, eight months, five months later, rinse and repeat.

and EVERY TIME, i'd get my hopes up that she was coming back in my life, and every time, i was let down.

finally, i realized that i would never in a thousand years allow a boy to treat me this way. if i had some boyfriend who kept jerking me around, and popping back into my life with promises and declarations of love and telling me this time things would be different... he'd get exactly one chance, and then i'd write him off. why was i allowing myself to be treated like this, just because it was a girlfriend and not a boyfriend?

as a result, i stopped writing back to the sporadic, maybe-once-a-year emails. i hadn't heard from lorelei in probably three years by the time i got the call the other night.

i didn't call her back.

27 comments:

  1. Ugh...I would hate that. I haven't had any friends that are like this...but I totally get it.

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  2. Oh, this is difficult. It hurts to lose a friend. It really is a loss.

    Thinking of you.

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  3. People really suck sometimes. I admire your restraint - I would have called her out on her bullshit long ago (though I guess that's not a good way to get people to stick around.)

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  4. Oiy. That's so tough, my dear. You are so good for having figured out what you give is not what you get in return. And so strong for deciding that's not good enough. And so admirable for doing something about it. And heroic for sticking to your chops years later.

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  5. I know how that feels. It's amazing how different people can have such varying definitions of what friendship is supposed to be. Good for you for not calling her back.

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  6. I am so sad to report I am a crappy friend. NOW, I do answer emails and return phone calls, but I rarely initiate....I don't know why I suck so bad.

    I never really thought about my actions hurting my friends though. I really kind of figure, they don't really care if I answer or not.

    So, I vow, to make a conscious effort to be WAY less of a douchebag to my friends.

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  7. This is so sad. But you are right. This is BS and she shouldn't treat you this way. Good for you for not calling her back. But still very sad.

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  8. The good news is that they thought of you and called. The bad news is that the pattern sucks and her calling just ripped open the wound again.
    Women are relationship based for the most part) and I guess that makes her behavior esp. hard to stomach. Girlfriends aren't supposed to do stuff like that!
    {{HUGS}}

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  9. But you know what the good thing about this is (yeah, that's right, I try to find the positive points in crappy situations), at least you know where you stand with her and how you would most certainly not want to be treated by a guy.

    Some people are like that though, very fickle. They're your friend for a while until someone more interesting comes along. No worries, the true ones will stick around. :)

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  10. I have friends like this. I call them "stupid."

    Not that we haven't all been guilty of it to some extent when we're excited about someone new.

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  11. That is a huge suck. It's so unfortunate because it sounds like you gals had a wonderful friendship. But really, it was only at her convenience so how good was it really? It must really hurt, but it might just be a huge relief to you. Thinking of you!

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  12. Yes...yes yes yes. I think, as women, we are programmed to please people and as a result we let people walk all over us. Fuck that.

    Good on ya.

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  13. I don't know what is up with the universe right now but I sure as shit hope it reads my facebook because I am DONE with all this "this is your life" bs that is going on lately and that is where I chose to declare it.

    Apparently, it's not just me. I'm not sure what is up with all the ghosts of life past deciding to just butt in on lives of the current but they need to stay gone and stop dredging up crap. UGH. Good for you for sticking up for yourself!

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  14. It happens. But the one thing that I learned w/ my college buddies who now live far and wide, even though we don't talk everyday anymore, it doesn't mean that we're not still friends. Some friends I only see once a year and when we meet up, it's as if no time has passed. Others I only talk on the phone once very 3-4 months, but we'll talk for hours. It happens. But if that person is your true friend, no matter how much time has passed since you last talk to that person, when you talk again, it'll be as if you two were always near each other

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  15. Ooh, that sucks. And I have to admit that I see some of myself in her. I'm terrible about calling or emailing friends. I do return phone calls or emails very promptly, but the initiating part I don't do so great with. I'm making a real effort to be better about this. Thanks for the reminder.

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  16. Aye aye aye, that is rough Alice. I'm sorry. :/

    There's this one girl I was friends with since the 7th grade. After high school we talked and even worked together, but after a while she seemed to get a new life and only contact me every once in a while with a text message. I have to admit, I still get excited when she messages me, but it's the same as with you: I answer but get no answer in reply, like she thought of me as an after thought and then went on with something more interesting.

    Maybe I should be taking a card from your deck and not answering her anymore. Who am I kidding, anyway?

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  17. I say hurray for you. I've been in a similar situation and it sucks. I think you're right - I'd never let a man treat me that way so why would I tolerate it from a friend? Not much of a friend, though. Sorry.

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  18. Sigh... that is SOOO Lorelei. Good for you for not calling back. Its hard to say goodbye or to admit that it hurts more than its worth, but sometimes its just the best thing to do for you.

    Love you!

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  19. Yep, I've been there. Similar situation and I was finally able to let go of it. Glad you were, too. It's sad, though, when we lose friends unintentionally that way.

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  20. I have learned in life that it just isn't worth keeping people around like that. I have better things to invest my time and energy into than people who only come around when it is convenient for them.

    Good for you!

    PS - It was fun to meet you last week even though we didn't talk that much.

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  21. Your blog is one of my favorites and I always enjoy reading, but you've really been on a roll lately! This is a great post and, for me, it serves as a reminder that maintaining friendships takes effort, too! It's all too easy to take one's friends for granted.

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  22. That is really sad, but your reaction is understandable. I've lost a few friends that way, too. One person can't always be putting in all the effort. Still sucks, though.

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  23. Hubby has a friend who is the call-and-then-don't-return-the-return-call type. Hubby stopped returning his calls, too, but about once a year the calls continue to come. Somethings are better let go.

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  24. Well-said, and sad. I've had friends like that too (the eager "TELL ME EVERYTHING!" followed by no response to my reply), and I don't get it at all.

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  25. Yeah, you've probably read about my MOH. You did the right thing.

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  26. Wow. "Friends" like that really surprise me. It's like they don't feel guilty AT ALL for completely dropping out of your life. It doesn't make any sense. Your reaction to her call was for the best.

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