June 04, 2009

TMI Thursday: not for the eyeball squeamish

**It's TMI Thursday! Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing a completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, "how many readers can I estrange THIS week??" TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else's!**

As always, you can blame LiLu for this ;-)

TMI Thursday

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this one is mainly gross in the sense that most people get SUPER SKEEVED when i start talking about my eyes, especially if it involves touching them. so, uh, prepare to be skeeved!

as contact wearers know, sometimes if your contact is a little dry, and you rub your eye the wrong way, your contact can be rubbed into the corner of your eye and get stuck there. in fact, sometimes it goes so far to one side / up behind your eyelid that you can't see it anymore. this is annoying, but not a cause for alarm: usually with a bit more rubbing (or just the patience to wait a few minutes) the contact roams back to the front of your eye, sometimes doing this weird slo-mo expulsion out of the corner of your eye where it comes out sort of folded in half like a burrito. it feels like the corner of your eye is giving birth.

uh, ANYWAY. the other day i was sitting at work almost ready to go home, and rubbed my contact into the side of my eye. i had really done a number on it: no matter how much additional rubbing / feeling around of the naked eyeball i did, i could not locate the stupid thing to get it back to the front of my eye. eventually i gave up and made my way to the bathroom to get serious about the situation.

eventually, due to no effort of my own, the contact burrito-birthed out of the corner of my eye and i caught it in my palm. sweet! now i just had to pop it back in and be on my merry way. except that after this whole ordeal, my contact was SUPER dry and was not cooperating. even though i know it never works, i put a few drops of water on my contact to try to moisten it... but nope. tap water is just not the same as saline solution.

i knew what i had to do. i'd done it before in contact emergencies. i once read that in the absence of saline solution, the closest substance to the natural moisture in your eyes is... your spit. it makes some sense, i suppose, and hell. i knew it worked.

so i spit into my contact, then popped it back into my eye.

except you know how bad everyone's allergies have been around here this year? yeah. without thinking about it, i'd basically hawked a loogie* into my contact, then shoved the whole mess in my eye.

horrified, i yanked the contact back out, but the damage had been done. i was basically left with a loogie IN MY EYEBALL.

you know how when you're a bit phlegmy, and you brush your teeth, sometimes when you spit you get that gross string of spit that dangles from your mouth so you have to re-spit, but a little more violently?

yeah. imagine that scenario IN YOUR EYEBALL. and remember, your eye has no lips, so it cannot spit out the phlegm. instead it just... drips. while you try desperately to wipe it all away.

the only saving grace to this entire scenario is that no one else came into the bathroom for the duration of the episode.

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*more etymology for my word nerds! hock or hawk a loogie?

24 comments:

  1. Oh this is ALWAYS how I clean my contacts. I don't even buy saline anymore. I mean I don't hock loogies, but I actually put my contact in my mouth and wash it that way.

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  2. Dang! And ew! And Dang!

    That's all I got.

    Some seriously gross TMIs today!

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  3. EW! however, i think that i would have done the same in that situation!! you have reminded me that i need to go get my eyes checked :)

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  4. In that situation, I totally put my contact.right.on.my.tongue to get it all nice and slippery again.

    You spit in your own eye? Now that is something.

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  5. Well. Now I'm extra glad I don't wear contacts. Gross.

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  6. Ok, so I don't know why I thought of this... but here's the first thing that came to mind. Ok, so let's say someone had a cold sore and then used spit on their contact. Does that mean you could possibly get a cold sore on your eyeball? Hmmm.... just something to think about....

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  7. EW! That really is gross!

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  8. I totally knew where you were going with this one. :) My older brand of contacts used to do that whole "relocate to inconvenient areas of my eyeballs to do further long-term damage to my vision" bit and it sucked trying to pry those things out. Your "burrito birth" description is dead on.

    I've heard the same thing about using saliva in lieu of saline. I once had to stick my contact in my mouth to clean it off after it popped out 30 seconds before an outdoor marching band competition. It works!

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  9. allliiiiice! ewwwww. i think it is your detailed description and good writing that makes this absolutely disgusting since you painted the picture so vividly.

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  10. AAAAnd..THAT is why I carry lens rewetting drops in my purse.

    Great story, though!

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  11. Tell it, Sister! This is just how it is with contacts. Been there, done that. Well, except for the loogie in the eye part. Oops.

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  12. I am officially and appropriately disgusted. Thank you.

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  13. Happy to learn that saliva can work in a pinch... happier to know I should but phlegm in it when doing so.

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  14. i read this post with a grimace and my right eye closed as soon as you said "eye."

    eeew

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  15. erm ... my doctor told me that saliva is really bad for your eyes. and that it can cause pink eye. but she's a total bitch so maybe that's incorrect.

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  16. I'm so thankful for my good vision.

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  17. I couldn't get past where you mentioned "touching your eye." So I have no idea what this post is actually about.

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  18. It's like a money shot, but for your eye.

    Too far? Yeah...sorry about that.

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  19. Hahahaha...that's hilarious. My sister used to always spit on her contacts in a pinch.

    I switched over to gas permeable years ago, so when one of mine gets jammed into the side of my eye, I always feel like I'm going to shear my eyeball off trying to get it back in place. I've been wanting to switch back to soft and get those Acuvue jobbies, but I don't know if I can make the transition back to soft after all this time.

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  20. I thought this was urban legend. It actually works?! This seems like a survivor skill from Woman vs. Wild or something.

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  21. I am totally one of those people who freaks out when you talk about your eyes. My eyes are watering now! Yikes!

    We were camping in New Hampshire when Pilou tried to put his contact in, only without mirror or water. He got one in, but not the other, which disappeared. We then had to hike out 8 miles to the car, and then drive from NH to DC, all with him with only one working eye. We got home about 4am, and crashed. The next morning, lo and behold, he'd had the contact the whole time, lost behind his eye somewhere. I didn't see it but apparently burrito with eye-goober (eye-lunger?) sauce would fit the description. Tasty.

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  22. Being a non-glasses wearer, I saw someone do this for the first time last weekend. And I was HORRIFIED.

    Me, of all people. I don't even know why.

    But if there'd been a loogie in it, I definitely would have vommed.

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  23. I think your warning should have been for the loogie squeamish, not the eyeball squeamish. Ew.

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