solo

i'm always surprised when people say they're impressed that i'm taking a vacation alone, or that they wish they were that brave, or they wish they could do something like that. it doesn't feel very brave, or very momentous when i do it. it just sort of... is.

ever since i was very small - young enough for me to hear someone refer to something as "their personal version of hell" - i've known exactly what mine would be. it would be to spend eternity by myself. not without a boyfriend; just with literally no one else to interact with. forever. i envision a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape stretching out in all directions, with no signs of life anywhere, and it gives me the heebie jeebies.

when i'm upset or sad or depressed, i don't want time to myself. time to myself in those moods is the worst thing for me. i need to be with friends, go out, interact, to snap myself out of bad moods. i've never needed "me time" or "alone time" to function. "me time" ends up morphing into "me feeling sorry for myself that i'm not hanging out with other people time," more often than not.

and yet, i've been single for a LOT of my life. and the older i get, the fewer girlfriends i have who remain single on a regular basis. it's not something i'm particularly bitter about; it's just a fact. which means that if i'm only willing to do something with a buddy, there's an increasing number of things i just won't be doing. which doesn't really work for me.

i mean: i love to travel. LOVE it. the exhilaration of exploring a new place is just about my favorite thing in the world. and despite my unease at spending large quantities of time alone, i refuse to take that into consideration if it will adversely affect my plans for the things that make me the happiest.

don't get me wrong. a vacation in the caribbean is definitely a little better when taken with someone who will take pictures with you while smooching in front of a sunset. but it's certainly not UN-fun without that person, and i don't feel like i'm being very brave because i'm going by myself. more selfish, if anything. like, i'm so intent on doing things i enjoy, i'll go even if i can't coerce someone into coming with me. even if it's more expensive to go solo. because i wanna - *foot stomp* - so i'm GONNA.

plus, you get to spend your time however you want when you're traveling alone. there's always an element of compromise when traveling with others - they want to go to the impressionist museum, when you would rather spend the afternoon looking at picassos; i want to take 10 minutes to photograph a fountain until i get the shot i want; you want to just get some FOOD ALREADY OMG - whereas if i'm by myself, i get to eat wherever and whenever i want. i don't have to feel bad about going 20 minutes out of the way to get a better picture for my album. basically, i'm a fairly selfish person, and travelling alone lets me revel in my hedonism without having to feel at all bad about it.

there's always a bit of me that acknowledges that the trip would probably be more fun with "the right person." but seeing as that person is still waiting in the wings, there's no reason for me not to revel in my selfish solo time for now.