the woeful tale of the embarassing shoes

you remember how i mentioned there was a bit of a story involved in the purchase of my New Shoes To Wear Since I Can Wear Two Shoes Now, Yipeekiyiyay? except i’m pretty sure i didn’t say “yipeekiyiyay” before, since i don’t think i’ve ever typed that word until now, since i had to stop and think of how to spell it. obviously i’ve come up with the highly official spelling; feel free to reference me should you need to correctly spell the word in the future.

anyway. shoes. so, about.. oh... a month ago, maybe, right when silvia started at the EJoD, the two of us meandered over to the mall across the street from the office during lunch one day to browse the shoe and handbag section of macy’s. except i was less “browsing” and more sort of “looking longingly at” the shoes, since i was still on crutches and wearing only one shoe, and had no idea when i’d be able to do something as buckwild crazy as wear pretty shoes again. it was during this browse/long session that i came upon something i’d never seen before, and upon discovering, immediately felt the need to mock. with vigor. the culprit? coach sneakers.

first of all, i didn’t even know coach MADE shoes. and if i did know, i would have assumed they made snooty-looking pumps with expensive buckles on the front or something. these, however, were sporty-looking sneakery shoes. you know those puma sneakers? with the zigzag closure on top? (note: i probably only know about said pumas because silvia actually owns a pair, and showed them to me when she bought them. otherwise i’m sure i’d be completely clueless.) these coach sneakers were the same basic design, except just to be sure no one mistook them for pumas, the coach fabric – you know, the one that is just their logo over and over and over and over? – made up the body of the shoe.

this is about when my tirade began, and it went something like this:

“OH. MY. GOD. coach shoes?! are you SERIOUS? oh my GOD. who would BUY these? ew. ew ew ew. for real? coach SNEAKERS? what PURPOSE do these serve?? is this so that when i wear my “casual” coach bag with my neiman marcus yacht club outfits, i can wear sneakers that still match my purse? FOR THE LOVE, who would be this snotty? you need your SNEAKERS to be covered in the coach logo? GOD. EW.”

um.

i’ll give you three guesses as to who is currently the proud owner of these sneakers.

so embarrassing. the rest of my wardrobe is pretty much from Forever 21 and H&M, with the occasional “fancy” outfit for work thrown in from Express. i have never owned a handbag that cost over $20, nor have i ever owned a pair of shoes that cost more than $50. i’m cheap, ok? it works for me. except now i’ve got these ridiculous coach shoes, which i will be wearing for the next six weeks straight.

see, i went to the mall last weekend, thrilled out of my mind that i could wear shoes again, intending to buy some ugly black orthopedic-looking monstrosities, because even i was somewhat put off by the idea of starting a new job wearing my... let’s generously call them “well-worn,” shall we? new balances. but seeing as i’d just put myself through nearly two months of crutches and all that pain, i figured maybe now was a good time to buy “good” shoes (ie, not from payless) so i didn’t do further damage to the ol’ tootsies. did you know that real shoes are freaking expensive?? like $70! for ugly plain black flat shoes! no wonder i go to payless! sheesh.

regardless, i was willing to pay $70 for ugly plain black shoes.. except it turns out i still couldn’t actually put them on. my foot still isn’t keen on bending, like you’d have to do to slide it into an ugly black orthopedic shoe. huh. so by the end of the day, i’d decided maybe i should just get some nicer-looking sneakers, since i could unlace those and put them on my feet more easily, and at least they’d look nicer than the sneakers i had now. “like those puma ones!” i thought. “they’d be perfectish.”

off to the store, and i find a display of this trendy sneaker doohickey. the coach one was there, but i was ignoring it, because obviously, NO. a salesguy came up and asked if he could help, and i said yes absolutely, could i try on a pair of these shoes here? he said sure, but maybe i should also try the coach shoes, since they were his best seller and everyone loooooooved them and apparently they were sooooo comfortable and supportive and possibly even gave birth for you if you were pregnant. i said no thanks, really, just the non-coach variety would be good.

so he returned with the shoe i’d asked for.... and a pair of the coach ones. “just in case.”

and dammit if the shoes i’d picked out still hurt like a mofo on my mangled little foot... so i put on the stupid coach ones just because they were there. just to make him happy. and to prove that i didn’t want them.

and... oh my. the little fuckers felt like fluffy little angels hugging my feet.

DAMN IT.

so i bought the stupid things. and now i feel like a moron with my stupid coach shoes, and feel the need to explain to people right and left that i’m only wearing them for MEDICAL purposes, REALLY, and i’m NOT THE TYPE OF PERSON who would wear coach shoes, just, you know, because they’re from coach and WOW, THE EMBARRASSMENT.

sigh.

mine are the black ones.

er... ok after posting i realized these aren't actually my shoes. mine have that zigzaggy closure on top, not laces. except apparently i have the only pair in the WHOLE WORLD, because i can't find evidence of them anywhere. stay tuned.

**update: i just spent a really unreasonable amount of time trying to find a picture of the shoes, and they just... don't exist. i can't explain it. the coach website doesn't have them; the nordstrom website (where i bought 'em) doesn't have them... but here's a picture of the puma's i was talking about before. so, uh, combine this with the picture above, and there you go.