i am LAME

ha ha, get it? lame! it's a pun! see, i'm both literally AND figuratively lame these days. to wit:

lame (definition 1): have broken foot, crutches, general gimpiness and inability to walk.

lame (definition 2): due to lame (1) above, am SO TOTALLY LAME. like, boring. and bored. and did i mention boring? and not fun? am so tired of sitting down. my butt is tired of sitting down. my butt is actually getting sore from sitting down all the time. result: i am laaaaaame.

then, of course, there's the other (and arguably most pertinent and compelling) definition:

lame (definition 3): have not updated blog in, seriously, like, WEEKS.

that last lamitude, i'm afraid, stems from total laziness. you know how they say it takes three weeks to make something a habit? apparently it takes about 2 days to un-habit yourself from blogging. whoopsie!

but. i'm back! really! hopefully! maybe! we'll see! and, being back, i would like to impose a small yet cathartically bitchy rant on you. you know how earlier i said i was both literally and figuratively lame? i find this an extra funny pun, because it's actually true. i am actually lame, in both the literal and figurative sense. whereas other people throw that "literally" word around willy-nilly, in situations that have no business being literally true at all. and people, if it's not true, then literally, you're misusing the word.

examples? why yes, i DO have some! so glad you asked.

example 1: omigod, and then? like? this dude JUMPED OUT of the cake? and like? i was LITERALLY scared to death. literally! scared to death!!

alice's bitchy analysis (ABA): if this is true, you are one loud and annoying corpse.

example 2: i have SO MUCH WORK. you have NO idea how much work i have. i literally have been working 8 days a week just to keep up.

ABA: really? that is so cool! did you get a little time-travel dealie like Hermione has in the last Harry Potter movie, where you can turn it and you get to go back in time and do over an hour or a day or whatever? because if not, then NO, you are NOT literally working 8 days a week. slacker.

example 3: i literally had to sell my soul to get tickets to the concert tonight.

ABA: now, this one could potentially be true, but i think we can agree it's highly unlikely. and if it is true? seriously, get the hell away from me.

i wish i could tell you why this bothers me so much. it's irrational, i know. but i can't help it. i have to stop myself from being severly rude and going "really?? you LITERALLY sold the shirt of your back to pay for that purse? really? were you at least wearing a full coverage bra?" whenever i hear someone use literally in a phrase that is obviously NOT literal, but a huge exaggeration.

however, i kinda like my face the way it is, so i try to keep my comments in check. although now that i'm literally lame and all, i've found i can get away with a lot more than usual. people sure do pity a gimp! it's kinda awesome, except for the whole part where i actually have to be a gimp and get around on crutches. that part pretty much sucks.