March 14, 2006

i am LAME

ha ha, get it? lame! it's a pun! see, i'm both literally AND figuratively lame these days. to wit:

lame (definition 1): have broken foot, crutches, general gimpiness and inability to walk.

lame (definition 2): due to lame (1) above, am SO TOTALLY LAME. like, boring. and bored. and did i mention boring? and not fun? am so tired of sitting down. my butt is tired of sitting down. my butt is actually getting sore from sitting down all the time. result: i am laaaaaame.

then, of course, there's the other (and arguably most pertinent and compelling) definition:

lame (definition 3): have not updated blog in, seriously, like, WEEKS.

that last lamitude, i'm afraid, stems from total laziness. you know how they say it takes three weeks to make something a habit? apparently it takes about 2 days to un-habit yourself from blogging. whoopsie!

but. i'm back! really! hopefully! maybe! we'll see! and, being back, i would like to impose a small yet cathartically bitchy rant on you. you know how earlier i said i was both literally and figuratively lame? i find this an extra funny pun, because it's actually true. i am actually lame, in both the literal and figurative sense. whereas other people throw that "literally" word around willy-nilly, in situations that have no business being literally true at all. and people, if it's not true, then literally, you're misusing the word.

examples? why yes, i DO have some! so glad you asked.

example 1: omigod, and then? like? this dude JUMPED OUT of the cake? and like? i was LITERALLY scared to death. literally! scared to death!!

alice's bitchy analysis (ABA): if this is true, you are one loud and annoying corpse.

example 2: i have SO MUCH WORK. you have NO idea how much work i have. i literally have been working 8 days a week just to keep up.

ABA: really? that is so cool! did you get a little time-travel dealie like Hermione has in the last Harry Potter movie, where you can turn it and you get to go back in time and do over an hour or a day or whatever? because if not, then NO, you are NOT literally working 8 days a week. slacker.

example 3: i literally had to sell my soul to get tickets to the concert tonight.

ABA: now, this one could potentially be true, but i think we can agree it's highly unlikely. and if it is true? seriously, get the hell away from me.

i wish i could tell you why this bothers me so much. it's irrational, i know. but i can't help it. i have to stop myself from being severly rude and going "really?? you LITERALLY sold the shirt of your back to pay for that purse? really? were you at least wearing a full coverage bra?" whenever i hear someone use literally in a phrase that is obviously NOT literal, but a huge exaggeration.

however, i kinda like my face the way it is, so i try to keep my comments in check. although now that i'm literally lame and all, i've found i can get away with a lot more than usual. people sure do pity a gimp! it's kinda awesome, except for the whole part where i actually have to be a gimp and get around on crutches. that part pretty much sucks.

12 comments:

  1. yayyyyy!!! welcome back Alice! Now post some pictures of your new and improved feet, please.

    *patiently waiting*.....

    ReplyDelete
  2. I LITERALLY jumped for joy when I saw that you were back. LITERALLY!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yay! Here you are!

    I have a coworker who will do that "I have literally been working on this forever....really? I didn't know you were that old) and I totally agree with you on how irritating it is. Literally, I agree.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I predict that by the time all the comments are in, the word "literally" wil literally have been used exactly 87 times. Literally!

    ReplyDelete
  5. *** will, even... oops! I'm so embarrassed I could die. Literally!!! (ok, not really)


    and now I just have to say "LITERALLY" one more time, because it's fun.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You were gone too?????

    :o)

    Thanks for checking up on me :o)

    Literally....

    ReplyDelete
  7. I hate the use of "literally" almost as much as when people use "a.m." and "in the morning" in the same sentence - as in "I woke up at 3 a.m. in the morning" as opposed to 3 a.m. in the afternoon, I guess.

    Anyway, welcome back. Now get your lame ass back to posting.

    ReplyDelete
  8. We bloggers are grammar snobs. I hate when people misuse words. I especially hate it when I catch myself doing it, like when I said yesterday, "I'm an alumni." A what? I'm sure no one noticed, but I embarassed myself... literally!

    ReplyDelete
  9. sweetie...are you ok??

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am so opposed to the mis-use of this word that I refuse to use it correctly now, for fear that I will propagate its incorrect use.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I literally laughed my ass off when I read this!! (...damn! It's still there. I was really hoping...)

    Glad to see you back - you were missed. And so were your comments! Hope this whole "lame" thing comes to an end soon!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. See, I was all prepared to be your lame blog buddy (not literally lame), and then you pop out with THAT post, which was so very very funny. And I am still the lame blogger who has not updated yet continues to comment on others' blogs as if I am an active member of the blogosphere!

    Ok I will not use the literally anymore because you're only allowed 87 and I'm sure that many more comments are imminent.

    Welcome back, hope you're feeling better and yay new post!

    ReplyDelete