dobermans (dobermen?)

i started to write a post today about my boyfriend's roommate's dog, and how she just has the worst dog breath EVER but overall i'm ok with her since i was forced to get over my quasi-fear of dogs, but then i realized that OH MY GOD I HAVEN'T SHARED THAT STORY YET. so forget the blog about my boyfriend's roommate's very adorable and sweet and loving but god-awful smelly dog who enjoys licking me too damn much. we're moving on to the Day I Was Forced To Get Over My Thing With Big Dogs.

so. i mentioned how i went to state college, pa recently (NOT RURAL, fyi) to visit my friend shannon & her hubby, who were married about a year ago. before the wedding, when i was still working for the airline, i flew into SCE several times for visits, wedding preps, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, etc. shannon had a friend, alli (ally?), with an actual full-sized house, which is where everyone tended to congregate for sex & the city parties / bridal showers / you name it. and alli had a doberman. a large doberman. a large, formerly-abused, doberman.

apparently, formerly-abused dobermans are a bit... jumpy. even when rehabilitated nicely into society, they can still get easily spooked (in which case, they attack) or startled (in which case, they attack). they can also become fiercely loyal to and protective of their new owner, and possibly mistake you hugging their momma as a threat (in which case, they attack).

i've had a life-long slight fear of large dogs. there was an Incident when i was young, where nothing actually happened, so it's a really lame story, but suffice it to say i was literally convinced i was going to be mauled to death by a rabid dog. ever since then, big dogs just make me kinda nervous.

so... being around an enormous, easily-provoked-into-maul-mode doberman was maybe not my favorite part of going to SCE. but whatever. these things happen. you deal. even when, say, you are sleeping on a pull out couch in the living room, and wake up suddenly in the middle of the night because there is a doberman face approximately .004 inches from your own, and the instant you open your eyes the doberman give a resounding and toothy "BARK" right in your face, and you want nothing more than to scream but assume that doing so will only scare the dog or pose a threat in which case he will eat you, instead of just causing you to freak out and ensuring that you will not sleep soundly in that room ever again, since you will be wondering when you will wake up with doberman teeth in your face ready to maul you beyond recognition.

the third time i stayed at the doberman's alli's house was the night before the wedding itself, but alli wasn't actually going to be there. she had a bowling championship to attend, and wouldn't be back until a few hours before the wedding the next day. myself, the maid of honor, & her husband would all be staying at alli's house in her absence, however. maid of honor & hubby got the guest room, and i was given the choice of either staying on the pull out couch again, or sleeping in alli's room. with my friend the doberman, who always slept on the bed.

as i saw it, these were my choices:

a) sleep on the pull out couch, where i would no doubt wake up in the middle of the night with hot doberman breath on my face, accidentally scream, and get eaten;

b) sleep in alli's bed with doberman, who would probably wake up partway through the night and realize an intruder was in momma's bed, and get eaten.

i decided that since no matter what, i was probably going to get eaten, i may as well be comfy until the Mauling By Doberman commenced. i picked the bed.

that night, i tentatively got in bed and started slipping under the covers, while the doberman stared at me. i tried to look unassuming and non-threatening. the doberman barked a couple times, then lept onto the bed. i closed my eyes and braced for attack, but the dog just sort of hunkered down on the end of the bed and looked ready to go to sleep. amazing! i turned off the light and tried really, really hard to will myself not to move at all while i slept, so i didn't accidentally kick the doberman, who would obviously maul and eat me should that happen.

fast forward to morning. i start to wake up. before i even open my eyes, i immediately remember "OHMYGOD I'M IN BED WITH AN EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE DOBERMAN I HOPE I HAVE ALL MY LIMBS INTACT." i mentally take inventory. i'm able to wiggle toes on both feet - check, check - i can feel one arm on my stomach - check - and my other arm... feels immobile?? i apprehensively open my eyes. and see the back of a doberman head. because while i was sleeping, the doberman had moved up the bed next to me. his entire doberman body was stretched out, back pressed against my stomach, head on my arm, in a full body spoon. I WAS SPOONING THE DOBERMAN WHO WANTED TO EAT ME.

so, i guess the doberman and i made friends. or else he got me really drunk and likes to cuddle after sex.