October 21, 2005

dobermans (dobermen?)

i started to write a post today about my boyfriend's roommate's dog, and how she just has the worst dog breath EVER but overall i'm ok with her since i was forced to get over my quasi-fear of dogs, but then i realized that OH MY GOD I HAVEN'T SHARED THAT STORY YET. so forget the blog about my boyfriend's roommate's very adorable and sweet and loving but god-awful smelly dog who enjoys licking me too damn much. we're moving on to the Day I Was Forced To Get Over My Thing With Big Dogs.

so. i mentioned how i went to
state college, pa recently (NOT RURAL, fyi) to visit my friend shannon & her hubby, who were married about a year ago. before the wedding, when i was still working for the airline, i flew into SCE several times for visits, wedding preps, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, etc. shannon had a friend, alli (ally?), with an actual full-sized house, which is where everyone tended to congregate for sex & the city parties / bridal showers / you name it. and alli had a doberman. a large doberman. a large, formerly-abused, doberman.

apparently, formerly-abused dobermans are a bit... jumpy. even when rehabilitated nicely into society, they can still get easily spooked (in which case, they attack) or startled (in which case, they attack). they can also become fiercely loyal to and protective of their new owner, and possibly mistake you hugging their momma as a threat (in which case, they attack).

i've had a life-long slight fear of large dogs. there was an Incident when i was young, where nothing actually happened, so it's a really lame story, but suffice it to say i was literally convinced i was going to be mauled to death by a rabid dog. ever since then, big dogs just make me kinda nervous.

so... being around an enormous, easily-provoked-into-maul-mode doberman was maybe not my favorite part of going to SCE. but whatever. these things happen. you deal. even when, say, you are sleeping on a pull out couch in the living room, and wake up suddenly in the middle of the night because there is a doberman face approximately .004 inches from your own, and the instant you open your eyes the doberman give a resounding and toothy "BARK" right in your face, and you want nothing more than to scream but assume that doing so will only scare the dog or pose a threat in which case he will eat you, instead of just causing you to freak out and ensuring that you will not sleep soundly in that room ever again, since you will be wondering when you will wake up with doberman teeth in your face ready to maul you beyond recognition.

the third time i stayed at the doberman's alli's house was the night before the wedding itself, but alli wasn't actually going to be there. she had a bowling championship to attend, and wouldn't be back until a few hours before the wedding the next day. myself, the maid of honor, & her husband would all be staying at alli's house in her absence, however. maid of honor & hubby got the guest room, and i was given the choice of either staying on the pull out couch again, or sleeping in alli's room. with my friend the doberman, who always slept on the bed.

as i saw it, these were my choices:

a) sleep on the pull out couch, where i would no doubt wake up in the middle of the night with hot doberman breath on my face, accidentally scream, and get eaten;

b) sleep in alli's bed with doberman, who would probably wake up partway through the night and realize an intruder was in momma's bed, and get eaten.

i decided that since no matter what, i was probably going to get eaten, i may as well be comfy until the Mauling By Doberman commenced. i picked the bed.

that night, i tentatively got in bed and started slipping under the covers, while the doberman stared at me. i tried to look unassuming and non-threatening. the doberman barked a couple times, then lept onto the bed. i closed my eyes and braced for attack, but the dog just sort of hunkered down on the end of the bed and looked ready to go to sleep. amazing! i turned off the light and tried really, really hard to will myself not to move at all while i slept, so i didn't accidentally kick the doberman, who would obviously maul and eat me should that happen.

fast forward to morning. i start to wake up. before i even open my eyes, i immediately remember "OHMYGOD I'M IN BED WITH AN EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE DOBERMAN I HOPE I HAVE ALL MY LIMBS INTACT." i mentally take inventory. i'm able to wiggle toes on both feet - check, check - i can feel one arm on my stomach - check - and my other arm... feels immobile?? i apprehensively open my eyes. and see the back of a doberman head. because while i was sleeping, the doberman had moved up the bed next to me. his entire doberman body was stretched out, back pressed against my stomach, head on my arm, in a full body spoon. I WAS SPOONING THE DOBERMAN WHO WANTED TO EAT ME.

so, i guess the doberman and i made friends. or else he got me really drunk and likes to cuddle after sex.


  1. That's great! You and the dobbie bonding, that's cool. Too bad you and he weren't bonded when you got attacked by that rooster. It's great for a dobbie to have your back. I have a friend from a third world country (North Korea) and he said no one in his village is afraid of dogs, even though they do have big ones. He said kids there aren't worried about gettin bitten or eaten by the dogs, but the dogs are worried about gettin' eaten by the villagers, which means that just possibly there's a rehabilitated but jumpy little korean girl who's yelled at a brave dog who's crawled into her bed hoping to not end up like his litter mates by being eaten but wakes up to find this little girl spooning him affectionately in the morning.

  2. lol...That was hysterical!!! Great story..you had me laughing like crazy!

  3. Ha ha ha! This had me laughing out loud. (I refuse to type the netspeak acronym for that.)

    It's a good thing you didn't try to wiggle out of that spoon. Hell hath no fury like a Doberman scorned.

  4. You make me laugh out loud (and like beckeye, I refuse to use that hated acronym) with the hilarious way you tell stories.

    My brother also had an "incident" in which a doberman rushed him as a child, therby scarring him for life. He refused to go near dogs of any kind until one time we were staying with my aunt who had a FEROCIOUS poodle. Not ferocious. Just kidding. Anyway, Tim ended up getting over his fear of dogs that vacation because that little poodle snuggled and loved and followed him around.

    Not really much like your story but did end with my brother and the dog sleep snuggling.

  5. Great story. I'm glad dobermans are rescued, but why exactly would someone want a doberman as a pet?

  6. Alice - So which pill do I take the blue one or the red one?

  7. If I were you, I'd search the house in case the doberman likes to tape things like that.

  8. That was hysterical! It reminded me of my cousin Mike who also was deathly afraid of dogs... and his sister and I used to TOTALLY take advantage of that fear by hanging out with the neighbor's labrador whenever we didn't want Mike to bother us. Unlike you, though, he never had the opportunity to spoon with the neighbor's dog.

  9. Alice, I would not totally get rid of your fear of big dogs. I fear big dogs as well, and I have had to kill 2 that attacked me. One was a doberman and the other was a pitbull. And chows are worse of the lot when it comes to protective ownership. Did I enjoy killing the dogs? Yes! Especially when I have seen up close and personal what a Pitbull can do to a child riding innocently by on a bike. Rotwiellers are equally fierce....

  10. Hilariously written.

    I'm on edge about pitbulls ever since my boyfriend told me a story of a time a neighborhood pitbull started harassing other dogs in the neighborhood, and when another neighbor came out with a shovel - it took him two hits to the pitbulls head to even get him to flinch!

    Not that I condone hitting dogs on the head with shovels or anything...

  11. Awwwww. I love stories like that. Hopefully you two have a strong bond now and he will love you long time!

  12. *L* awesome story!!!

    BTB....maid of honor and hubbie were camped together? mmmmmmmmmmm

  13. Cute story, dobermans have always freaked me out, but I hear they make great pets if they are treated well.

  14. I love dogs, but I do have an issue with pit bulls.

    Haven't been around dobermans much, but I *have* heard they like to cuddle after sex, so that sounds about right.

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