according to darwin, i should be dead

i soooooo should have been naturally selected out of the gene pool by now, if nature and darwin and natural processes had their way. if not for modern science, i'd have been a goner long before today, which would be very sad, because of course, then i could not blog.

so. ways in which nature probably would have picked me off already if not for modern science: a) being preternaturally pale and prone to truly severe levels of sunburn, i think we can count sunscreen as a literal life-saver in my case, since presumably i'd need to spend at least some time outdoors back in the day, working fields or making hay or whatever. which, you'll note, should be done while the sun shines. OMINOUS? i think so. also DEADLY. b) i enjoy a heinous level of seasonal allergies (which, ironically, are only partially treatable by modern science, as i'm allergic to decongestants. go figure.) c) some, uh, girl problems that started early on in the puberty stages that require medication ohmygodhowiloveyouorthotricyclen. ok, so that probably wouldn't have killed me, but i probably would have thrown myself in front of the nearest bus charging rhino, without the magical powers of drugs.

but, the piece de resistance would have to be my alarming level of blindness.

i'm lucky, honestly, since my vision is totally correctable with contacts. and dude, contacts? how i love thee. let me count the ways. in fact, let me compose a poem in your honor:

Ode to Contacts
By Alice

For those of us who cannot see
You answered our long-standing plea:
To save us from the infamy
Of bespectacled eternity.

O contacts! Do you know the glee
You have bestowed now upon me?
For always - joy! - can I be free
From taunts of “four-eyes!” hurled at me.

O contacts! You’re my cup of tea!
The cat’s pajamas! The bee’s knee!
I do, though, wish your price could be
Less than Sri Lanka’s GNP.

seriously, the darn things are expensive. like, hundreds of dollars. each year. not cool. turns out when your prescription gets high enough, though, everything has an "extra-bad prescription" surcharge. bastards.

just how bad ARE my eyes, you ask? perhaps you should ask one of the many friends or acquaintances who have discovered how amusing it is to make me try to guess how many fingers they're holding up, or what object they've put on their head now, when my eyes are reduced to their natural states. (the answers, incidentally, are "i have no idea" for both, unless said hand or head is within 2 feet of my face. then if i squint i can sometimes get it.)

a couple of years ago, i went to a new eye doctor, who started the usual tests to get a feel for how bad my vision was. i was sitting in a chair in a darkened room, with a projected image on the wall in front of me, which was probably about 10 feet away. the doctor asked if i could read any of the letters on the wall. i said no. he switched the slide and tried again. still nothing. i heard several more slides change, then the doctor asked me which way the E on the wall was facing. "there's an E on the wall?" i asked. there was a pause, then the doctor asked me to get up and walk towards the wall, stopping when i could tell him which way the E was facing. when i was about 3ish feet away from the wall, i was finally able to see something. moving closer, i realized it was an enormous capital E, the size of the entire slide, probably 14 inches tall. which i couldn't see until i was close enough to touch it.

i also can't read in bed unless i'm wearing glasses. without them, i have to have the page so close to my face in order to see the words that i literally go crosseyed. so if i do read without my glasses, i do it with one eye closed, and the book touching my nose. then i have to move either the book or my head from side to side, too, since if i hold the book far enough back that i can see an entire line, i can no longer read the individual words. it's pretty sad, friends.

so, obviously, were i alive before the lovely, brilliant, prodigious miracle of contacts (or, i suppose, an incredibly thick medieval pair of glasses) i clearly would have been hit by a stampeding boar, or walked obliviously off a cliff, or accidentally married a really, really ugly man by now. i flaunt my defective genes at you, darwin! ha! just wait until i procreate! those kids'll REALLY be screwed!