May 27, 2005

skin cancer, here i come!

so there's pale, and then there's PALE. i, folks, am definitely PALE. and for the majority of my life, i've been more or less resigned to stay in that category. see, for us pasty-white folks, there's really no point in dreaming lustily about bronzed, healthy-looking skin, the kind that somehow makes you look thinner and more muscular and just a little shiny and sparks thoughts of "wow, that girl looks so... healthy. it must be the charmingly sun-kissed look of her skin." because it quite simply is never going happen. it's better to learn at an early age that such aspirations are not only unrealistic, but also dangerous, since we Very White Folk have exactly two shades that our skin deigns to display: PALE and FIERY LOBSTER-LIKE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IT HURTS TO LOOK AT YOU red.

so. you can imagine my shock and delight when, a year or two ago, my arms started tanning. YES! tanning! my arms were a vaguely tan color!! granted, when held up to other peoples' arms, they still looked depressingly white, but hey, compared to my stomach? i was practically ethnic. the arm-tanning-ability even spread to the shoulder region, and it is now possible for my entire upper body area to shed that distractingly undead pallor, even to the extent that people have started remarking on it. it tends to be in a highly shocked, slightly alarmed tone, sort of à la "Alice...!? Did you get.... SUN!??!!" but still, being Very Pale, it is one of the most beautiful things i can ever hope to hear.

however. i am getting spoiled and greedy. now that i have had the sweet, sweet experience of skin that doesn't reflect sunlight and blind people on the beaches, i want more. i want more tan.
specifically, i want tan-ness to come to my legs.

my legs are a conundrum. they seem to actually not have any melanin, or whatever the stuff is that gives skin color of any kind. they won't even burn. [note: to be fair, this is not true. when pushed, my legs can burn. oh, can they burn. that's a story for another time. suffice to say, it takes a lot to make 'em burn... but when they do: holy mother of god.] i keep spending my lunch hour sitting outside in skirts, with my legs in the sun for an entire hour (which, for those smug people who have actual color to their skin: that's plenty of time to Get Sun if one is Very Pale thankyouverymuch, especially in the middle of the day). but nothing. not even a little pink. damn legs.

so now, here i am, tottering around in my skirt and heels, with this beautifully tanned upper body,* and painfully pale legs. legs where you can see, distinctly, the blue veins running the entire length of them. and there's nothing quite as sexy as a nice long expanse of pasty leg. maybe i should move someplace where they wear long pants all year round.

*by "beautifully tanned" i mean "kind of tannish, mostly due to an exponential increase in freckles, which might look tan from far off." hey, it's awesome for me, ok??


  1. I'm a devoted fan are a great writer, if only you could learn to capitalize!!! ;-)

  2. Excuse me Alice, don't forget that some of us, who actually can tan, also live through your hell with you.

    What does this mean, you might say? Well, don't forget that some of us are given the task of trying to put sunscreen on your albino body. Thus, every time we do it and miss some tiny section, we live with the guilt of seeing you in pain.

    We also at times live with the guilt of seeing you look quite silly, when when you still insist on wearing that very tiny tank top with a very noticable red patch of sunburn in some very random and sometimes very unique spot :)

  3. omg.... i go through the same thing don't wory.. it friggin sucks doesn't it... especially when your in high school and most girls have beautifuly brown legs!

  4. And then you spend all this time trying to tan and one day out of the blue you work in the backyard and get "rectangle of doom" aka "where the camisole wasn't" on your back. HMPF!