women: learn to pee godammit

you know what's not hard? PEEING. i know this has been addressed, like, eleventy thousand times before, but clearly there are scores of women out there who still need to hear it. attention, prissy women whose dainty sensibilities are bruised by the mere act of entering a bathroom: STOP PEEING ON THE %#!*%@!& SEAT.

i work in a professional, corporate office. you need a badge from our company just so the elevator will allow you to push any of the buttons that open on our floors. in other words, we don't have random homeless or diseased people lurching through our halls who might accidentally stumble into our bathrooms and wipe oozing body parts on the toilets. we have large, clean, bright bathrooms with tons of stalls. we even have those tissue paper seat covers that are supposed to mollify the people who get skeeved out anyway by the vile properties of toilets. all of which would lead most people to believe that there's very little chance of catching ebola through your ass skin when you plop it down on the throne.

and yet. every day, there is at least one stall whose toilet seat is splattered in someone else's pee. look, people. your ass skin? much like the skin covering the rest of your body? it's there specifically to keep germs and diseases out of your body. no matter what is on the toilet seat, your ass skin will protect you from it. i could even sit on the pee that you have so thoughtfully left all over the seat (as a warning perhaps? to ensure that others don't make the mistake of touching their precious butt to the festering slab of porcelain that is the toilet?) and my ass would still be fine. however, it would also be wet, and that causes a problem when i pull my pants back up. seeing as i do a bang-up job of not peeing my own pants, it would be super if i didn't have to worry about YOUR pee too. i know, i know, you're neurotically obsessed with how gross toilet seats are and what you can catch from them. that's what those handy little toilet covers are for. they, like your skin, were specifically designed to create an additional barrier between your perfectly-capable skin and whatever it is you imagine will kill/maim/disease you on the seat. there is NOTHING TO FEAR from a toilet seat, unless you have large open sores on your ass, in which case ew, go get that checked out.

to sum up: peeing on the seat is freaking disgusting, ladies. please learn to be potty trained like the rest of the adults.