July 24, 2005

bate date hall of shame

my time between postings is getting really pathetic, so i'm going to write tonight despite my deep and painful depression upon finishing harry potter 6. i'm hoping this post will still turn out vaguely amusing even though i feel like i've just been to a funeral. (note to harry potter skeptics: shut up. i hate you. mock me and get it over with, because nothing you will say will make me love this series any less. or feel any less like someone i actually know has died. go away.)

anyway. on to bad dates. i haven't actually had very many of them, which is somewhat surprisingly, especially given the number of times i've turned to online dating as a valid option/way to pass the time/interesting way to meet people. i did have the oh-my-god-you-are-way-shorter-than-your-picture-implied date (we're talking 5'2", if he's lucky. and i'm 5'8". in flats. i was wearing heels.) and the oh-my-god-that-picture-looked-NOTHING-like-you-and-not-in-a-good-way date, both gleaned from my online adventures. the winner of the bad date award, however, goes to someone i picked up in person. i did meet him at H2O, which the dc locals may already realize is probably a bad sign, but i'm nothing if not optimistic...

so i meet this guy, rodney, at H2O. he is, first of all, amazingly good looking, and flattered me an awful lot, which helped, and could hold an intelligent conversation, which helped even more. he asked for my number at the end of the night, which i gave him, and then he blatantly didn't make a move. not even a "we've been talking for 3 hours at a skeezy club where you expect to be mauled alive, but i'll restrain myself and just try to make out with you" kiss. i was surprised and perplexed at this - and, i'll admit it, intrigued - so agreed to a date when he called me, as promised, the following sunday.

i invited him to meet me at a pub in DC where my roommate works, which he agreed to. the date went very nicely; we had lovely, unforced conversation, drank some beers, and due to his general attractiveness, i decided to overlook his unfortunate stonewashed jeans. then, the end of the night: he asked me to "walk him out" to "say goodnight." whee! thought i, i'll finally get to see how this guy kisses! but no.. we walked out to the sidewalk where he expressed surprise (perhaps alarm?) at how bright it was with all the streetlights, and looked kind of uncomfortable. then when i forced matters by going in for a kiss, he acquiesced with the most chaste, insubstantial kiss i've ever had. we're talking completely closed lips, slight pressure, then boom! done! over! it was the type of kiss you might give someone else's pet when the owner is over affectionate and forces you to "say hi" to Snuggles, but really you're just trying not to get fur and dog drool in your mouth while still being polite. rodney made up for this singular lack of lust by promising me i "could jump his bones" the next time we saw each other.

i was baffled, but gave him the benefit of the doubt... maybe he was weird about PDA? only liked making out in the privacy of his bedroom? the date had gone quite well up until then.. i decided to give him one more date to prove himself, one way or the other.

so then. the next call i get from him is a voicemail he leaves me. at 6am on a sunday morning. not a drunk dial, mind you... a regular voicemail, as if it's perfectly normal to call someone you've only been on one date with at 6am on a sunday. i called him back a few days later to ask what the hell he was doing calling me at 6am, and, sounding pleased with himself, he said he figured i'd be so curious as to why he'd called at such an odd time, i was sure to call him back to ask him about it. which i'd done.

ok. whatever. weirdo. at this point, i'm figuring date two is REALLY going to make or break him. conversation with rodney is great, but he clearly has some... quirks.

at this point, i tell him he needs to plan date #2, seeing as i took care of #1. i tell him he can plan anything he likes, i'm easy to please, just tell me where and when and i'll show up. the conversation goes something like this:

rodney: so where do you want to meet?
alice: oh, anywhere, you pick this time! you set up this date; just tell me where to go.
r: ok.. well, where works best for you? virgina? dc?
a: it doesn't matter; i'll be taking the metro. whatever you'd like. maryland, virginia, dc, whatever.
r: ok, well, which do you prefer?
a: um, i don't have a preference. seriously, just wherever you'd like this time, i'll go wherever you want.
r: right, ok. well, is virginia easier for you?
a: no, like i said, i'll just take the metro, so it really doesn't matter.
r: ok, well, where would you rather go?
a: nowhere.. it doesn't matter.. just pick someplace you like.
r: ok. well, would you rather stay in dc? what would you prefer? is virginia easier?
a (in my head): OH MY GOD JUST PLAN THE EFFING DATE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY...

after much, much more conversation just as tedious and frustrating, we leave it that rodney will be picking a place in virginia, close-ish to where i live, at 6:30 that thursday. i would be coming straight from work (a: unless i should go home and eat something first if you don't want to feed me, ha ha. r: oh - would you rather go home first? would you rather meet after dinner? you prefer eating at your place? a: jesus. no. whatever. 6:30 is fine.)

by the time thursday comes around, i am seriously doubting whether i should even bother at this point, since i'm already pretty annoyed with rodney. i figure i may as well though; maybe he'll make a much better showing in person and impress the heck out of me. the plan had been that rodney would pick a place on Glebe Road (big ol' road cutting through Arlington) and let me know before thursday where to meet him. he calls my cell at around 2 on thursday and leaves a message assuring me that, baby, don't worry, he'll have a place by 6:30, he's on his way down from maryland now, and he'll let me know where he picks.

now, i'm not exactly high maintenance, but i sort of think that, oh, i don't know, picking the location of your imminent date before said date takes place is somewhat standard. i'm all for spontaneity... but if you've set up a date, several days in advance, and i've specifically requested that you do nothing more than pick the location... come on, just pick a freaking location.

so. now it's 6:15. i've left work, driven through traffic, and am now approaching glebe road, and still haven't heard word from rodney about the location of our date. i call him, get his voicemail, and ask what's up, where should i be meeting him, seeing as i have to decide which way to turn on glebe soon. he calls me back in about 10 minutes. for those of you keeping track: yes, it is now 6:30, Official Date Start Time.

r: hey baby, what's up?
a: well, just wondering, you know, where i should be going.
r: well, i'm on my way, i'm just on the baltimore-washington parkway right now.

(IMPORTANT NOTE: this is, like, an hour away from glebe road.)

a: WHAT?
r: no, baby, it's ok! i'll be there soon.
a: um, right. where should i be meeting you, anyway?
r: well, um, i was sort of just planning on picking a place that looked good when i got there.

completely annoyed now, i give him the name of a bar i know on glebe, and directions how to get there, since it's clear he's never been to glebe road in his life. i head to a nearby bar in the meantime where i know several of my friends are, and inform rodney he can call me when he gets close.

by the time rodney arrives, it's 7:30. one hour late. for the date he failed entirely to plan. he does not apologize. i am polite and cordial, as he has come all the way from maryland for this, but i am in no way flirty. i am very careful not to laugh up into his eyes, touch his arm, be giggly, or make any gesture at all that may be taken as a go-ahead signal on his part. when he suggests, after we finish our beers, that we "move on," i hastily agree, figuring that once we're out of one bar, it will be easy to conclude the date. he asks if there are any quieter, more "intimate" bars in the area. i am quick to assure him that no, nope, golly, they're all just like this one, chock full o' people! he asks a couple more times if i can think of any other places we can go, but i cheerfully repeat that no, the only things in the area are more bars and pubs, and they're all as bright and as packed with people as can be. at this point, i'm driving him back to his car, since he had to park far away. we pull up behind his car, and i'm about to comment on how it's been lovely but i think i'll head back now, when he leans over and gazes intently into my eyes.

bear in mind, now, i've been keeping my distance this whole evening, and over the course of the entire two previous evenings i've spent with rodney, the most physical we've gotten is the peck i forced out of him. this evening, we've literally not even touched, aside from a brief hug he gave me when he showed up an hour late.

now, he leans in, and rubs his fingers lightly over my forearm, and asks, pointedly:

"are you sure there's not someplace more.... intimate... we can go?"

i feign cluelessness and reply brightly, "nope! just all those bars, like i said!!"

at which point rodney sits back, pauses, then asks entirely matter-of-factly,

"so, should we just go rent a motel room or something, then?"



the date ended VERY shortly after that.

23 comments:

  1. Homeboy drives all the way to Glebe from the B/W Parkway, and you don't get a room with him? Not even a quick HJ in the car? See, this is why guys give up on dating.

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  2. If you look up "Rodney" in a Latin Dictionary the translation is "Buffoon". Your date is the walking incarnation of Coitus Interruptus in that he's physically attractive, but such a moron that the thought of knocking boots goes straight out the window.

    Sorry it was a lame date in the end.

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  3. Seriously I would have loved to heard your next comment on that one. Did he fly out of the car via you shoving his ass out to the ground? Ugh sorry it was such a bum date. I would have told him to turn his ass around when he wasn't there at 630

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  4. Ugh, it sounds like a painful date indeed! And you tell it so well. ;) I am curious to as to how the date ended after his motel remark.

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  5. after the motel remark, i stared at him for a minute, laughed in his face, then said "actually, no, i think the night is going to end here."

    there were a couple more attempts on his part to see if i would go out with him again, but as anon e mouse said, all the way from the b/w parkway and no action... probably not worth it even for him in the end :-)

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  6. I wished you'd asked Rodney if he used to live in California and go by a different name... I could swear I'd dated the same guy once, right down to the oddly timed phone call. Luckily for me, I was unimpressed with being woken up to play games and declined further contact.

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  7. LOL! What a jackass.

    The whole calling at 6am on a Sunday bit was also somewhat over the top and I would have been peeved as well. But knowing me, I also would have called back later on to find out what the hell he wanted to talk about at such an ungodly hour.

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  8. lol I'm surprised you didn't throw him out of the car lol. Hey I posted a pic of my brother's wolf on my blog

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  9. Wow,,,,how do guys like this reproduce? Lazy, clueless and helpless....bad combination

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  10. That's comedy! Obviously the guy had that IQ and social skills of a 12 year old. Some guys think that just because they are attractive, that girls will just put out like that. I'm sure there are some girls have, which is why he thinks you should put out on the second date, after he buys you a beer. He must listen to Tom Licus.

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  11. Rodney is a huge douche. I was actually impressed by the 6am ruse, but he was totally clueless. I'm a feminine straight guy in the sense that I am overly interested in how the girl is doing, making sure I'm never late, asking lots of questions about her, etc. And it's worked because I've been dating the love of my life for 2.5 years now, and she rules!

    Rodney had no chance--and the ass munch didn't even apologize for being late.

    Blake

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  12. Wow, everybody's gotta be hating on Rodney, don't they? I mean, "don't suggest a motel room" is kind of a no-brainer, but other than that, what? You're all a bunch of dating geniuses?

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  13. I don't think any of us acts or claims to be dating geniuses. Showing up at least *close* to on time is common courtesy and planning a location spot at least an hour ahead of time would have been preferrable. Not a good way to make a good impression and not very respectful of the other person's time.

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  14. anon e. mouse26/7/05 12:32 PM

    His only mistake was showing up late. If he'd have gotten there on time, Alice would have had 2-4 more drinks, and when the question of motel came up, she would have said one of two things: A) "Let's do it" or possibly B) "F the motel, get in the back and lose them pants, Skippy. And don't even *think* about finishing before me."

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  15. anon e.mouse, that's gross.

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  16. anon e. mouse, are you someone i turned down for a date/wouldn't sleep with or something? you're awfully disgruntled. i'm sure you'll find someone who will be willing to date you someday. chin up.

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  17. gross, hell. That was funny.

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  18. swap alice for april ... and east coast for west coast ... and I've been on this VERY date!

    ugh.

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  19. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  20. OMG!!!!!! what a LOSER!!!!!

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  21. That is quite possibly the Best. Story. Ever. Not because I laugh at your pain, but because I laugh at how utterly ridiculous this guy is. Seriously, hilarious.

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  22. You have perfectly conveyed that Rodney is a total asshat. Men who can't plan a simple date don't deserve to go on them, and they sure as shit better not be going back to hotel rooms to procreate! I hope you have better luck in the future!

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