bate date hall of shame

my time between postings is getting really pathetic, so i'm going to write tonight despite my deep and painful depression upon finishing harry potter 6. i'm hoping this post will still turn out vaguely amusing even though i feel like i've just been to a funeral. (note to harry potter skeptics: shut up. i hate you. mock me and get it over with, because nothing you will say will make me love this series any less. or feel any less like someone i actually know has died. go away.)

anyway. on to bad dates. i haven't actually had very many of them, which is somewhat surprisingly, especially given the number of times i've turned to online dating as a valid option/way to pass the time/interesting way to meet people. i did have the oh-my-god-you-are-way-shorter-than-your-picture-implied date (we're talking 5'2", if he's lucky. and i'm 5'8". in flats. i was wearing heels.) and the oh-my-god-that-picture-looked-NOTHING-like-you-and-not-in-a-good-way date, both gleaned from my online adventures. the winner of the bad date award, however, goes to someone i picked up in person. i did meet him at H2O, which the dc locals may already realize is probably a bad sign, but i'm nothing if not optimistic...

so i meet this guy, rodney, at H2O. he is, first of all, amazingly good looking, and flattered me an awful lot, which helped, and could hold an intelligent conversation, which helped even more. he asked for my number at the end of the night, which i gave him, and then he blatantly didn't make a move. not even a "we've been talking for 3 hours at a skeezy club where you expect to be mauled alive, but i'll restrain myself and just try to make out with you" kiss. i was surprised and perplexed at this - and, i'll admit it, intrigued - so agreed to a date when he called me, as promised, the following sunday.

i invited him to meet me at a pub in DC where my roommate works, which he agreed to. the date went very nicely; we had lovely, unforced conversation, drank some beers, and due to his general attractiveness, i decided to overlook his unfortunate stonewashed jeans. then, the end of the night: he asked me to "walk him out" to "say goodnight." whee! thought i, i'll finally get to see how this guy kisses! but no.. we walked out to the sidewalk where he expressed surprise (perhaps alarm?) at how bright it was with all the streetlights, and looked kind of uncomfortable. then when i forced matters by going in for a kiss, he acquiesced with the most chaste, insubstantial kiss i've ever had. we're talking completely closed lips, slight pressure, then boom! done! over! it was the type of kiss you might give someone else's pet when the owner is over affectionate and forces you to "say hi" to Snuggles, but really you're just trying not to get fur and dog drool in your mouth while still being polite. rodney made up for this singular lack of lust by promising me i "could jump his bones" the next time we saw each other.

i was baffled, but gave him the benefit of the doubt... maybe he was weird about PDA? only liked making out in the privacy of his bedroom? the date had gone quite well up until then.. i decided to give him one more date to prove himself, one way or the other.

so then. the next call i get from him is a voicemail he leaves me. at 6am on a sunday morning. not a drunk dial, mind you... a regular voicemail, as if it's perfectly normal to call someone you've only been on one date with at 6am on a sunday. i called him back a few days later to ask what the hell he was doing calling me at 6am, and, sounding pleased with himself, he said he figured i'd be so curious as to why he'd called at such an odd time, i was sure to call him back to ask him about it. which i'd done.

ok. whatever. weirdo. at this point, i'm figuring date two is REALLY going to make or break him. conversation with rodney is great, but he clearly has some... quirks.

at this point, i tell him he needs to plan date #2, seeing as i took care of #1. i tell him he can plan anything he likes, i'm easy to please, just tell me where and when and i'll show up. the conversation goes something like this:

rodney: so where do you want to meet?
alice: oh, anywhere, you pick this time! you set up this date; just tell me where to go.
r: ok.. well, where works best for you? virgina? dc?
a: it doesn't matter; i'll be taking the metro. whatever you'd like. maryland, virginia, dc, whatever.
r: ok, well, which do you prefer?
a: um, i don't have a preference. seriously, just wherever you'd like this time, i'll go wherever you want.
r: right, ok. well, is virginia easier for you?
a: no, like i said, i'll just take the metro, so it really doesn't matter.
r: ok, well, where would you rather go?
a: nowhere.. it doesn't matter.. just pick someplace you like.
r: ok. well, would you rather stay in dc? what would you prefer? is virginia easier?
a (in my head): OH MY GOD JUST PLAN THE EFFING DATE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY...

after much, much more conversation just as tedious and frustrating, we leave it that rodney will be picking a place in virginia, close-ish to where i live, at 6:30 that thursday. i would be coming straight from work (a: unless i should go home and eat something first if you don't want to feed me, ha ha. r: oh - would you rather go home first? would you rather meet after dinner? you prefer eating at your place? a: jesus. no. whatever. 6:30 is fine.)

by the time thursday comes around, i am seriously doubting whether i should even bother at this point, since i'm already pretty annoyed with rodney. i figure i may as well though; maybe he'll make a much better showing in person and impress the heck out of me. the plan had been that rodney would pick a place on Glebe Road (big ol' road cutting through Arlington) and let me know before thursday where to meet him. he calls my cell at around 2 on thursday and leaves a message assuring me that, baby, don't worry, he'll have a place by 6:30, he's on his way down from maryland now, and he'll let me know where he picks.

now, i'm not exactly high maintenance, but i sort of think that, oh, i don't know, picking the location of your imminent date before said date takes place is somewhat standard. i'm all for spontaneity... but if you've set up a date, several days in advance, and i've specifically requested that you do nothing more than pick the location... come on, just pick a freaking location.

so. now it's 6:15. i've left work, driven through traffic, and am now approaching glebe road, and still haven't heard word from rodney about the location of our date. i call him, get his voicemail, and ask what's up, where should i be meeting him, seeing as i have to decide which way to turn on glebe soon. he calls me back in about 10 minutes. for those of you keeping track: yes, it is now 6:30, Official Date Start Time.

r: hey baby, what's up?
a: well, just wondering, you know, where i should be going.
r: well, i'm on my way, i'm just on the baltimore-washington parkway right now.

(IMPORTANT NOTE: this is, like, an hour away from glebe road.)

a: WHAT?
r: no, baby, it's ok! i'll be there soon.
a: um, right. where should i be meeting you, anyway?
r: well, um, i was sort of just planning on picking a place that looked good when i got there.

completely annoyed now, i give him the name of a bar i know on glebe, and directions how to get there, since it's clear he's never been to glebe road in his life. i head to a nearby bar in the meantime where i know several of my friends are, and inform rodney he can call me when he gets close.

by the time rodney arrives, it's 7:30. one hour late. for the date he failed entirely to plan. he does not apologize. i am polite and cordial, as he has come all the way from maryland for this, but i am in no way flirty. i am very careful not to laugh up into his eyes, touch his arm, be giggly, or make any gesture at all that may be taken as a go-ahead signal on his part. when he suggests, after we finish our beers, that we "move on," i hastily agree, figuring that once we're out of one bar, it will be easy to conclude the date. he asks if there are any quieter, more "intimate" bars in the area. i am quick to assure him that no, nope, golly, they're all just like this one, chock full o' people! he asks a couple more times if i can think of any other places we can go, but i cheerfully repeat that no, the only things in the area are more bars and pubs, and they're all as bright and as packed with people as can be. at this point, i'm driving him back to his car, since he had to park far away. we pull up behind his car, and i'm about to comment on how it's been lovely but i think i'll head back now, when he leans over and gazes intently into my eyes.

bear in mind, now, i've been keeping my distance this whole evening, and over the course of the entire two previous evenings i've spent with rodney, the most physical we've gotten is the peck i forced out of him. this evening, we've literally not even touched, aside from a brief hug he gave me when he showed up an hour late.

now, he leans in, and rubs his fingers lightly over my forearm, and asks, pointedly:

"are you sure there's not someplace more.... intimate... we can go?"

i feign cluelessness and reply brightly, "nope! just all those bars, like i said!!"

at which point rodney sits back, pauses, then asks entirely matter-of-factly,

"so, should we just go rent a motel room or something, then?"


the date ended VERY shortly after that.