girrrl i want to make you sweat

about a year ago, i got invited to join a super lowkey lunchtime soccer game with some people at work. we'd drive over to an indoor sports complex at lunch, hope 8 or more people showed up so we could field at least 4 on a side, and then play some super casual soccer for an hour. for some of us, who had never played soccer ever before in our lives, this amounted to "playing" "soccer" once a week. basically, i ran around the field aimlessly a lot and tried to refrain from accidentally kicking the ball into the opposing team's goal.

i stopped after about a month or two because a) i kept rolling my bad ankle and b) i don't actually know HOW to play soccer, aside from the "don't touch it with your hands" rule, and it's only fun to run aimlessly around a field for so long. and soccer skills aren't really ones you can just "pick up" over time. mastering even the most basic footwork appears to require literal years of practice. and possibly superpowers.

fast forward to last week, when i was outside with gertrude on her smoke break. one of the guys i used to "play" "soccer" with was outside as well, and we had the following conversation:

soccer dude: hey! alice! would you be interested in playing some soccer next sunday? it's my team's last game of the season and i think we're going to be short on girls.
me: uh... do you REMEMBER playing with me..?
soccer dude: yeah! you're really good!
me: so, you DON'T remember.
soccer dude: no, it's fine! i remember! it's sunday, are you interested?
me: uh, i guess. if all you need is a body on the field, i can do that. i can't.. like.. help, or anything though.
soccer dude: great! i'll pass along the info.

so i'm figuring fine, whatever, i'll show up and sub in occasionally if one of the actual soccer players needs a break, and attempt not to lose the game for them in those 10 minute increments. manageable, right?

i show up at the field last night at 7:30, as instructed. there appear to be, like, 400 girls on the sidelines, so i'm all "sweet! they totally have enough chicks. they don't need me." i even start getting a little annoyed that i came all the way out and won't get to play at all - i mean, sure, i can't "play," but a little running around is fun.

then the other team's captain comes over and explains that they've got some girls on the way, but none have showed up quite yet, and maybe we'd be interested in loaning them two of our girls just for a little while, until theirs show up, so we can get started?

i volunteer to go over, since with my Mad Skillz, i sure won't be doing the opposing team any favors. someone lends me a red shirt and i jog over to the other team, where they ask me what position i normally play. i look at them sort of blankly, then explain that i don't actually "play" "soccer." they look worried and assign me to right side defense.

and then, funny story! NONE OF THEIR GIRLS EVER SHOW UP. FOR THE WHOLE GAME. which means that yours truly was stuck playing a full hour and a half game, with no subs. and also no skills. for a team i didn't even show up to play for. oh.

i did learn that a) there are several WRONG WAYS to throw a soccer ball in from the sidelines. really! b) cleats probably would have been a good idea; and c) i really, really suck at soccer. although i kind of knew that one already.

when the game was over and i headed back to my original sideline to retrieve my stuff, my coworker's teammates informed me that the season started back up in march if i was interested in coming back to play with them.

in conclusion, it appears soccer players are blind.