June 23, 2009

Eff that noise

the interwebs have spoken! the final tally for Should I Give Sir Chump-A-Lot A Second Chance? is a resounding OH HEYYYELL NO.

votes for Eh, Why Not?: 5
votes for Eff That Noise: 19

i got all peeved with myself last night when i noticed a twinge of disappointment at the decision blow this guy off. because the reason i was disappointed, i realized, was that no matter how many terrible, underwhelming, or boring first dates i go on, i still hold out this insane hope that the NEXT one will be Something Special.

and the reason this pisses me off is because i hated the movie "he's just not that into you" and all the characters in it. i thought this caricature of women who don't EVER recognize the signs of lethargy or disinterest in men was completely annoying - and while i'm sure those women exist, i also find THEM annoying, because let's face it, it's NOT THAT HARD to figure out if a guy is stringing you along or not. it's just hard to admit to yourself that it might be the case.

an ex once gave one of my girlfriends one of the best pieces of advice i'd ever heard. she was waffling in a similar situation, trying to decide if she should call a guy / what his last text meant / if she should go out with him again / whatever. he said, very simply, that you will know if a guy is into you or not. any guy worth spending any time on will make it abundantly clear that he is interested, and there's no such thing as being "too busy" to a guy who actually wants to see you, because he will make time for you if he's truly interested.

i'm very good at recognizing this - and cutting my losses and getting the hell out of dodge - when this happens a few dates in, or a few weeks in, or even a few months in. i know what i need in a relationship, and half-assed commitment is not it. so when a guy is all of a sudden "really busy" and "doesn't know when his next free moment will be" (true story from last week!) i don't hold out hope that maybe he really IS busy! and well gosh, he DOES have a lot going on in his life! and i should really be more understanding! nope. i shrug, realize that he's just not that into me (gag), and move on knowing it's no real loss if he's already going down that path.

what i realized last night, though, was that i still DO have that stupid fairy-tale hope for guys i haven't met, yet. i DO still do the "well, friend x's now-husband was 2 hours late to their first date, and look how happy they are now!!!" thing for first dates, apparently. (shannon: i can't even tell you how helpful that jeff comment was to bring me back to reality, because OMG YES. i do remember all that. heh.)

i'm not sure why i'm more willing to forgive a guy i've never met than a guy i've already invested a few dates on. i'd like to think it's optimism - like, refusing to let the cynicism acquired from every freaking lame guy i've ever dated color someone new, and allowing them to prove themselves independent of my experiences with other people. soo... yeah. we'll go with "optimism" :-)


  1. I know that feeling well. I WANT to be optimistic, but it gets harder and harder all the time. And that "he's just not that into you" stuff? Valid, of course, but I always feel like in the very early stages, when he doesn't know me at all yet, then maybe he really IS busy, because why would he change his whole schedule for someone he just met and barely knows? I'm not apt to do so myself, until I know I like a guy, so why should he be any different? Alas, when it's right I suppose there's supposed to be magic and certainty from the start? Something like that, maybe. Regardless, I think blowing this dude off is the right decision this time.

    On an unrelated note, I'm glad you posted today! I have no idea, of course, whether your commute involves either of the trains that crashed yesterday, but since you are one of the few people I know in the DC area, I immediately thought of you and hoped you were OK!

  2. "you will know if a guy is into you or not"

    This is so very true!

  3. I got to the point where I turned into one sour grape because I kept being rejected even WITHOUT going on a date. And when you get that way, you are really only hurting yourself.

    Just don't go down that route. I know it's hard, it's NOT easy to find the right person to be with and it sucks a little out of you each time you do meet someone.

    But don't give up hope. Take a deep breathe, and just keep on this roller coaster called life.

  4. I've never let go of that "stupid fairy-tale hope". It's just part of who I am.

  5. Oh crap, I didn't vote, but my vote would have been "Eff that noise!"

    If you can't even make the effort for the first date, what hope is there for any other dates?

    That aside, things do happen. But there are better ways to communicate that you can't make it.

  6. glad you decided to go against it...i feel like the friend that's always encouraging the opposite - give him a chance, he's just really busy! i just can't imagine someone not wanting to date you!! serena van der alice ;)

  7. I dated a guy like that for 5 months. I'm still upset with my 19yo self that I ever went out with him. He rarely called, and his guy friends were more important than seeing me. Then he dumped me for someone else. After I married and moved to a different city, I was working as a cashier and he came through the line with a friend. I didn't notice him until his friend was paying for the purchase, and then I shook with anger the rest of the day that he didn't even say hello, the jerk.
    I hope I never see him again.

    Hold out for the ones who make the effort.

    PS: Nothing quite like a commuter train wreck to give me a panic attack for 3 short minutes. That's how long it took for me to send and receive a text message from my husband yesterday.

  8. The ex's advice is spot-on. I mean, guys are the first to admit that they're easy to read. So when they try to be coy, it's ugly and not very cute. But, you're right ... it's a lot easier to dole out that kind of advice and stick to our chops when we're on the other side of the fence. Sitting in your shoes, I'm pretty sure there were more than a few times that I excused guys' behavior when I most certainly shouldn't have!

  9. Glad my heinous experience helped knock you back onto your pedestal where adoring men look up and wish but can't touch. I might be partial since you are such a dear friend - but girl, YOU ROCK and don't you forget it!! You were the one who had Yates 1st South and Fauquier drooling for you, remember?? Guys love you because you are real and fresh and fun and sexy as all hell. I know the universe has something wonderful planned for you, so just keep working it.... LOVE YOU!!

  10. Um...so yeah. I think everyone above put things eloquently & profoundly.

    So I will just say this:

    We are so getting drunk and making out with strange boys when I come to visit.

    Yeah, I'm mature.

  11. now while i said that i think you shouldn't give him another chance i agree with jamie's comment 100%.

  12. I think there are always exceptions, but overall if someone wants to be with you, they'll be with you.

  13. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one fed up with boys.

  14. I was single for six years. I've had my heartbroken - badly - three times and been rejected more times than you can count.

    A month after my weasel-ex dumped me I met Mike and I never knew relationships could be so damn easy. I wasn't looking for anyone and there he was.

    What I am saying is KEEP BEING OPTIMISTIC! HE IS OUT THERE! He just might not be the one you think you need. For example, if I were still jaded/bitter and super picky as I normally am, I wouldn't have met Mike because he didn't fit my "requirements" - but he was everything I needed.

    I think as long as your requirements are stuff from the heart and not "he must be over 6 feet tall, he must have a great job, he must be well-educated" then you WILL find that someone!

    I know you already know this, but I just thought I would put it out there again :P

  15. ALSO - my horrible weasel ex (do you remember Ross?) he projected ALL the signs that he wasn't that into me. And he did so for a year.

    So sometimes its obvious and sometimes you wish to ignore it and make excuses (ie "So what if he would rather watch Snakes on a Plane than get a blow-job, that doesn't mean he's not into me...right?") - true story.

  16. I understand your reasoning. And applaud your optimism! We are often too quick to judge ;)

  17. you are sooooo on the money. If a man is into you will definitely know it.

    jessica - TMH