July 11, 2008

i dont rite gud when frazzled

chicago! it's tomorrow! ACK! i still have to pack, plan, arrange cats, pack, PACK, and pack. usually i'm a really good packer. like, 10 mins, wham bam thank you ma'am, entire week in europe nimbly packed into a carryon. but this! it's driving me nuts! i think the problem is that i have too many THINGS going on. i need appropriate attire for:

*walking around chicago during the day on saturday
*going out on saturday night (and all the while meeting highly-admired bloggers In Person, so clearly i have to look at least a LITTLE impressive)
*recovering on Sunday / meeting up with sales reps coming in for the conference
*2 days of actual conference, business attire required
*one night of dinner/drinks on the company at some fancypants place
*second night, dinner cruise
*rumors of a scavenger hunt at some point during all this

WTF. that's a lot of outfits / scenarios. and while normally i'm all about taking Carry Ons Only (i worked for an airline, remember, and actually spent some time throwing bags at a hub during one of the strikes - as a result, i have ZERO FAITH in any bag, anywhere, EVER making it to its final destination) but i can't do that for work stuff. i need Full Sized Hair Products in order to make my mop look presentable, and those are larger than 3 oz.

oh, and a heads up to anyone who hasn't heard yet: several major carriers (United, American, Northwest, USAirways, most others likely to follow) are now charging to check ANY bag, even the first. fifteen dolla.

anyway! speaking of hair! i got it cut yesterday. it's nothing special (sort of reminiscent of a short The Rachel, actually, now that i think about it, which ACK) but at least it looks healthier than the stringy mess i had going on before. this is how it looks today, with nothing but a blowdry:

this is a picture i tried to take last night, fresh from the salon, but i was getting a lot of "help" and thus didn't really get any good shots...

so! chicago tomorrow! whee! email me for details if you want them and don't have them!


  1. You look so...WINDLBLOWN! Like you're at a PHOTO SHOOT, or something.

    Scavenger hunt. Classic.

  2. Love your hair! Looks super nice! I do have to say though I do like the "help" you are getting in the second picture.

    Enjoy your time in Chicago and take LOTS of pictures!!

    One last thing, boo to airlines.

  3. The hair looks great, and I want to do one of these scavenger hunts with you sometime. As soon as I figure out what to do with all these KIDS!

  4. Dude, you have red hair? How did I not know this?

    Your hair and perfect complexion are beautiful. (Meaning YOU are too, in case my awkward wording of that previous sentence did not make that clear.)

    Also, that is quite the jump your helper is doing. Props!

    apparently, I don't write gud either today. I blame Workplace! (True story, right after I got interrupted for the 137th time, I uttered out loud, "Fuck you, you fucking fuckers.")

    (am possibly losing my shit here today)

    Have a blast in Chicago!

  5. LOVE the help!

    Maybe the scavenger hunt will be at the place where the conference is held, thus negating any need for safari outfit?

    And may I remind you that you are going to CHICAGO, not the hinterlands of SIBERIA and you could simply PURCHASE products at a local CVS once you arrive? And then donate said products to one of your new blogger friends? Then you wouldn't have to check ANY bags. VOILA. AM GENIUS.

  6. So... You're kitty is effin' adorable. Seriously.

  7. I wash my hair so infrequently (it's as dry as the SAHARA) I can get away with not even bringing full sized hair stuff to BlogHer. I still check a bag though. LOTS OF SHOES!

  8. It might be too late, but just so you know, we Chicagoans just wear jeans out...casual chic.

    So excited to meet you!

  9. THAT is the haircut I wanted two months ago and did not get. Seriously. I'm printing out a picture of your haircut and taking it to my hair guy. Can't wait to meet you!

  10. Hi, your hair looks great and your outfits are cute and I'm jealous of your Chicago trip and HAVE A GREAT TIME XO.

  11. Love the new hair -- have a great time in Chicago! Also: I want to hear more stories abt working for the airline! ~LA

  12. I'm currently (as in RIGHTTHISMINUTE) packing for BlogHer. SO MANY OUTFIT SCENARIOS.

    Boggles mind.

  13. Haircut is looking fab. Have a great trip!

  14. I LOVE the hair! and the color!!! You look great as a red head!

    And I *love* the "helper" picture!

    Wait... "kiss me I'm brunette?" - It looks red in the picture :)

  15. Gentlemen, this is a problem so many of us have experienced: How to ask a young lady if she likes it in the pooper. From my personal experience, if you simply ask your date (particularly if it's a first date), you're most likely going to be met with, at best, nervous giggles, and at worst, a steely gaze followed by a request to be let off the back of your bicycle.

    Why is this? I believe it's because "society" frowns upon this form of intercourse, even though 9 out of 10 women prefer it. (Like most other facts in my book, I just made that up.) Why do I put "society" in quotation marks? Because what is "society?" It's you and me, and the only way we are going to change "society" is by taking an active role in dispensing with the embarrassment and shame of putting your wiener in some chick's butt.

    How do we do this? As loving men, how do we approach the sensitive question: Anal?

    There are a couple of different methods. The most common is what I call "the accidental method." Simply put, you wait until you are about to have intercourse. Then, you "accidentally" put it in her rear end. When she says, "That's the wrong hole," you say, "There's nothing wrong about it." From that point, it should be obvious how she wants you to proceed.

    I don't recommend this approach because it catches the lady off guard and, if for some reason, she does not want to proceed in the prescribed manner, it necessitates you either cleaning yourself off or "double dipping," which is not a good idea for hygienic reasons.

    Another approach is the "finger twaddle." I call it that because "twaddle" is a very funny word. This is a multi-stage process. First, during foreplay, spend some time fondling her tush. If she responds positively, insert your pointer finger, a maneuver I call "the twaddle." Twaddle around in there a little. She likey? Great. Now, as you twaddle, whisper the following in her ear. "Roll over, baby." The rest should take care of itself.

    Maybe you're one of those guys who likes to lay down the rules of the road before the evening progresses to coitus. As I mentioned before, simply posing the question in a straightforward manner rarely achieves the desired result. Instead, try asking in an indirect way.

    Perhaps you've just enjoyed a romantic dinner together (I suggest Red Lobster). The evening is going well, and you suspect the two of you might end up in bed together later in the evening. Great. Here's what you do: Order dessert. (If you take my suggestion of Red Lobster, I further suggest "The Chocolate Wave.") When your Chocolate Wave arrives, spoon some of that gooey concoction into her mouth, and say, "I wish this gooey concoction was my wang, and I wish your mouth was your butt." If she says, "I wish that, too," you'll know where you stand. If she says, "That's disgusting," you can easily say, "I was just kidding." Or, less convincingly, you could try, "I think you misunderstood me." But that's not the kind of thing that's easily misunderstood.

    If this is still too direct, take her on a long walk through a nature conservancy or arboretum. While strolling among the flora and fauna, take her hand in yours and say something like, "I'm having a great time. I'd like to know everything about you." Women love to hear that. Next, ask her a series of utterly meaningless questions: "What are your hopes and dreams?" "Have you ever been in love?" "What's the worst tragedy that's ever befallen you?" Etc., etc. As you are "listening," slowly wrap your arm around her waist, and slide your hand down to the small of her back. Continue talking until you decide the moment is right for an "over-the-pant finger twaddle." This is accomplished by lightly caressing her anus in a "sympathetic manner." How do you caress somebody's anus sympathetically? Brother, if I have to tell you that, you need more help than I can offer.

    Another tactic I have found helpful in the past is the tried and true, "I have a friend who ... " scenario. The way this works is pretty self-explanatory. While talking, mention that you have a friend who would like to fuck her in the ass. If she asks who, say "You don't know him," then quickly follow up with, "Isn't that so funny?" If she says anything other than, "That's disgusting," then I think you can safely assume that she will respond positively to those three magic words, "Roll over, baby."

    As you can see, there is no one way to deal with this perpetually vexing situation. Instead, try a variety of the techniques outlined above. Trust your intuition. And if, by chance, you find yourself with a woman who doesn't like it in the rear, don't despair. While anal sex is an important consideration when considering a mate, it's important to remember that it's not the only consideration. Remember, over time, even the tightest tush will wear out, but a warm heart never will.

  16. I'm not sure I can follow up that Anonymous post ... sheesh that was long. And so totally not related. I think you got spammed, ma dear.

    Anyhoo, so terribly sorry I didn't get to see you rock out the new do. It's looking awesome and I'm sure the Chicago humidity only helped it, right? OK, well maybe not, but the beer at Hop Leaf must have. Hope you had a blast!

  17. Cool hair...but that wallpaper gotsya' go!!!!! HAHAHA

  18. Bleh. I'm so bummed I didn't get to meet you :( This weekend was full of craziness.

  19. Can't wait to hear all about it. Have fun!

  20. Nice haircut! I've been meaning to get one myself. There's only so long a cut done at home in front of the bathroom mirror can last before I just plain old look like a homeless person.

  21. First time poster and what do I see???? How to ask for the brown eye from your girl.......I think I will be back for that answer lol.
    But on the topic of packing I am glad I am a guy, I can pack for any trip in 5 minutes flat. Jeans, one pair; Teeshirts, two hand fulls; one suit, covers all special dinners; underwear, one handful; socks, two handfuls; toothbrush; shoes, one dress on gym and ipod. Anything else i can buy when i get there.
    Have fun in the windy city....at least that is what I think its called....?

  22. i hate how i always have to think about packing hair products and lotions and perfumes, etc in smaller sizes. blah.

    your hair looks cute! and your cat?! adorable!