June 16, 2008

i suspect i'll be deleting this post soon

i've been struggling with the blog recently, because i've been feeling.. off. and sort of overwhelmed. i currently have 90 unread posts in my reader, and work is crazy, except not really THAT crazy that it's a good excuse for me feeling so... drowny, i guess, would be how to describe it, and the stupid part is that i can't even come up with WHY i feel drowny, just all these small things that 99% of the time are not a problem at all and i deal with fine and shrug off except right now i CAN'T and i don't know why and it's making me MAD. except it's not actually making me mad, it's making me feel more drowny, which is messed up, because the act of feeling drowny shouldn't make me feel MORE drowny, logically, and yet it does, and then i end up writing stupid run-on sentence posts like this and OMG MAKE IT STOP.

the most frustrating part is that in theory, things are going perfectly well right now. the weather has been lovely, i've been spending lots of time in the sun, my cats are no longer dying, i have lots of friends i've been hanging out with, and i'm even dating a boy at the moment. except i still seem to find myself alone a lot, which is not usually how i like to be, because while i do have tons of friends, they're not the attached-at-the-hip type of friends, and my wife has been really busy with a lot of personal stuff so she's not around much, and i'm a little weird about boys right now (for expected reasons) so the net result is that i feel sort of.. isolated. and like i somehow keep managing to surround myself with people who i can't count on. or, as i get more introspective (never a good idea for me, personally), that i seem to have a shelf life with people: we're great and everything's hunky dory, and then 2 months / 2 years / however long later, they casually flit back out of my life and i'm left standing there, feeling stupid.

when i was just out of college, i moved in with one of my friends from school, and got her a job at the airline where i worked. we'd wake up every morning, commute in together, sit next to each other all day at work, eat lunch together, go home together, and then spend all evening giggling together, then wash, rinse, repeat. she'd often go to her boyfriend's house in baltimore on the weekends, which was virtually the only time we didn't spend with each other. it was awesome, honestly. we were great friends, had a great time with each other. then one day, she decided to move to baltimore to be with the boyfriend... and i essentially never heard from her again. she dropped off the face of the earth. it was really hard for me - like a bad breakup, honestly - having this 24/7 friend who had no trouble just cutting me off completely and moving on with her new life.

the boy i'm dating is actually someone i've dated before. he broke it off last time, basically saying he wasn't "feeling it" enough after a few months, but we hadn't been dating for a super-long time at that point, and it didn't break my heart or anything dramatic, so we stayed friends. (actual friends - not weird forced "friends." honestly.) and then recently, one thing led to another, etc etc etc, and we're back to dating.. and i'm having a hard time not expecting the same thing to happen again. because while i am perfectly aware that rationally, this one friend flaking on me for her boyfriend + the karl situation + jacquelyn being busy + this dude's actions 2 years ago does not equal some dismal life pattern, it's hard not to see it that way when i'm drowny. god, i hate drowny me. SNAP OUT OF IT, SELF.

i do sometimes wish i had an anonymous blog, because it feels.. i don't know, necessary, to get this all out.. but it's not the type of thing i feel good about having written.

21 comments:

  1. HELLO! I am drowny as well!

    I don't even feel like writing in my blog, and that is just not like me. I feel INSANE, and I just want to be left alone, at work and at home, and just...EVERYWHERE for an indeterminate period of time.

    Blech. I hate drowny me, also. I have crap to say, but none of it makes sense, and the stuff that DOES makes sense makes me sound MENTAL, and so...there you go.

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  2. I don't think you should delete this post, because it is honest, and also nobody should be offended by it, including the people mentioned therein. Except Karl, who sucks.

    Anyway, I know you KNOW on a rational level that there aren't really patterns and something happening before doesn't mean it's going to happen again. But I can totally understand how you got used to things happening a certain way, and grew to expect them to continue happening that way.

    It's funny because I see you as so the opposite of that. Not isolated, not worried, not afraid of losing people. But of course you are. We all are.

    Also, we should hang out again soon. Next time I won't force you to fold invitations. But only because they're all folded already! Mostly thanks to you.

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  3. Maybe there's something in the air ... it seems to be going around.

    I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I hope we ALL get better soon!!

    HUGS.

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  4. I wish I could say something mind blowingly helpful so you don't feel so drowny anymore, but all I can say is that life has it's ups and downs. Seems right now you might be having a bit of a down. Perhaps you need to take some time off and go relax somewhere. Get away from everything for a bit. Trust me, it helps.

    And the whole friend thing, that's happened quite a bit to me as well. People walking in and out of my life on a continuous basis. But there are those few who stay. Others are perhaps meant to step in for just a moment.

    Sending you lots of hugs.

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  5. Dude, can I just copy everything you just wrote (especially the drowny overwhelmed bit) and paste on my blog? Because it's how I feel. And it sucks. And I understand why you might feel like you should delete this post (because having a non-anonymous blog is a bit scary) but I don't think you should. It's honest and genuine and maybe by getting it all out you'll be able to see it in a new light. Or maybe having a bunch of random people tell you that they love you and hope you feel better soon will make everything seem a bit brighter. You rock, lady! This too shall pass.

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  6. ps: my word verification was was "airytoe" which made me think of "fairytoe" which made me think of "cameltoe" which made me laugh. Just thought I'd share.

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  7. There must be something going around, because though I haven't mentioned it (up to now), I've been feeling sort of drowny myself. I've been toying with the idea of just scrapping the whole blog thing, because I can't seem to find anything interesting to write about. Or the time to write it, or the time to read other people's stuff and comment. But when I do take breaks, I miss it. So I don't know what I'm going to do. Ooh, but I know what your prize is. ;)

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  8. Don't delete the post. That's why we all started our blogs - To vent. If it gets to the point where you aren't free to vent, then you've defeated the whole purpose of your blog.

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  9. Why should you feel stupid for writing a post like this? Just because you're not being funny? And not being cheery? And actually being human? We all go through CHANGES (aha) like this. And they're not necessarily fun, but they're a part of growing up (boo hiss). And, well, what you need to do is empower yourself to not be drowny. Because, though life does tend to throw curve balls, I think you've done a fine job of hitting a few home runs, getting on base a lot and generally avoiding being hit by the ball. Not half bad!

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  10. I let my reader get to 200 posts then I was afraid to look at it, and actually felt stressed out about it. So I just went it and skimmed a lot. Sometimes you gotta do it.

    Even when things are okay in life, people sometimes feel like crap. I think that's natural, and perfectly okay. It is too bad though, that on these blogs we can't say what we really want sometimes. Because letting THAT out may be what would help the most.

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  11. I know exactly what you mean about friends being perfectly content to just walk away! This happens to me all the time! And I get so upset and wonder how it always is that I like people so much more than they like me. So, you're not alone and if you lived closer, I would not walk out of your life like that.

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  12. Arg, I hate it when I'm off and can't see the way to get back on whatever it is I got off of.

    Sorry you are feeling down. Hope something comes to light soon.

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  13. i'm glad you didn't delete this post. i know how you feel sometimes girlfriend break ups can be just as bad as boyfriend break ups.

    also, your allowed to have some off time. hell i've been having an off 9 months. it helps to go talk to someone.

    hugs alice : )

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  14. Drowny is such a good word for it. I know that feeling. It just has to pass off on its own, I think. Or at least, it does with me: there doesn't seem to be any way to make it go away before it's ready to.

    I think this is a good post to have in a regular blog, because it's a "getting to know you" kind of post that gives you another interesting layer to look at. But if you did want an anonymous blog to post in from time to time, I know a place.

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  15. Alice hunny bunny,

    There are sharks even in the sea of love, so be careful where you drown.

    I sense that you were my wife in a past life, and we lived by the ocean, and you almost drowned there one day, but I rescued you.

    Now I come back to you when you are drowning and am here for you hunny bunny.

    Mark - GW Mush

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  16. Chester Lester17/6/08 12:12 AM

    Alice,
    What you are experiencing is the blues. All will be better soon. Don't fret, go with the flow, and if you are lonely... call a good friend.

    I am very alone and that is what I do.

    Chester.

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  17. do what you have to do--I sometimes would like an anonymous blog too to let more of myself out there, but anyway....good luck with it all!

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  18. I agree with the other comments. I'm glad you did not delete this post. E-hugs and good vibes :)

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  19. Every blogger goes through this. Swear. Sometimes they go through it multiple times, sometimes even once a year! I've gone through it every Spring. One moment you're all like, I love blogging! Weeee! Then you're like, what the hell am I doing? This is so much work! You have to decide if blogging is doing more good than bad for you. And you have to stop making it such an obligation either way. If you don't feel like posting for a week, so be it. We'll all be fine. We'll miss you. We might worry (if you don't warn us first). But we won't think any less of you. I promise.

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  20. There must be something in the water in our region of the U.S. While "drowny" doesn't quite fit my current state of mind (for me it's paralysis, diminished motivation, and futility), I do know the frustration of not having your mental state cooperate with you. Actually, it's really strange how many people seem to be in some sort of funk at the moment...

    And I totally get what you mean by having a shelf life with people. It's not a good feeling at all.

    Good luck with the dating situation --I really admire you for getting back into the "game!"

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