August 30, 2007

shoes, interrupted

i feel like i'm losing my mind.

i feel crazy. like a crazy person. like this is how crazy must feel. how can something this small be enough to make me insane? i can't function right now because i can't find a pair of shoes.

it's an important pair of shoes. it's the only pair of heels i've been able to find since my foot surgery last year that don't make me miserable. the ONLY PAIR. i have ONE PAIR of cute heels that don't make my feet hate life. i need these shoes. i guard these shoes carefully.

i had these shoes on, this morning, but ultimately decided on a different outfit that did not go with black heels. then i carefully put the shoes away, knowing that i had to pack tonight for a wedding this weekend, and knowing that i'd absolutely need those heels tonight because what the hell else am i going to wear to a wedding? where i need to dance? and can't wear sneakers? clearly these heels. so i took the extra step of putting them in my closet, because my roommate's dog sometimes drags around shoes and i couldn't have that happen today, because i knew i'd need to have both shoes available tonight. to pack. so i put them in my closet, and made a mental note about how thoughtful i was to do so because obviously i need those shoes this weekend.

they are no longer in my closet.


no one in the house says they did anything with my shoes. the only two girls here right now don't even have the same size feet as me, and one is my roommate's MOM. there is no evidence that the dog somehow learned to open closet doors. it's not like one shoe is tattered, out in the hallway and the other is dragged downstairs. they're not under my bed, in my bathroom, behind the tv, under my desk, on my bookshelf, in my covers, or anywhere in my closet. NEITHER SHOE IS ANYWHERE IN MY ROOM.

what am i supposed to make of this? when i made a point of putting them away just 14 hrs ago? insanity is starting to look like my only option.

the other problem, aside from my apparently poor grasp on reality, is that now i am completely lost. unable to pack. what the hell am i supposed to wear now? I ONLY HAVE ONE PAIR OF HEELS that are a viable option. i no longer have these heels. i am paralyzed.

what if they don't turn up? i can't imagine i'll come home after this weekend and ha, ha! they were sitting under my bed this whole time! where i've looked EIGHTY FIVE TIMES ALREADY! hilarious! because honestly, i know i left them in my room. they are no longer in my room. should i expect them back in my room at some point? after the aliens are done running tests on them??

so. it's just a pair of shoes. but it's not just a pair of shoes. i am distraught, then get annoyed because come on, it's shoes, but DUDE it's not just a pair of shoes.

i'll check in next week from the pysch ward. have a good weekend. i won't be wearing my heels.


  1. Did you check your feet? Sounds like the classic case of the person who can't find their glasses, only to realize they're on their head!

    I hear your pain about finding shoes that don't make your feet scream. Ever since I did major damage to my ankles from playing soccer (many moons ago), wearing heels is masking raging pain in a fashion disguise.

  2. No. Way. You should be on that TV show Unsolved Mysteries.

  3. Check your suitcase, you may have already packed them because they're that important.

  4. This is terrible! I HATE the feeling of not being able to find something, and it's 10 times worse when it's something I was VERY CAREFUL about. Have you packed anything already--started a suitcase or a carry-on or anything? See if you were so clever that you already packed them.

  5. This happens to me (some version of these events, at least) on an embarrassingly frequent basis, and it seems that after I freak out and return to the scene, the item is miraculously present. Here's hoping they are indeed where you put them when you get home. Good luck!

  6. I bet your wife took them and left them at her mistresses house ...

    man that's confusing


  7. Shit like this happens to me all the time, when I KNOW that I KNOW where I put something and it drives me insane when it's not there. Then I think of "The Sixth Sense" and granny moving that darn bumblebee pendant. Ghosts are having a gay old time in your shoes right now.

  8. go to a lot of weddings.

    Anyway, I feel your pain (so to speak). Something like that would drive me insane to the point that I'd be wondering about it all weekend.

    Hope you had fun regardless.

  9. Have you found those DAMNED shoes yet? ;)