the skinny on my sad, sad feet

WARNING! WARNING! THE FOLLOWING POST TALKS ABOUT FEET AND GROSSNESS. IF YOU HAVE ISSUES WITH FEET, ESPECIALLY UGLY FEET, YOU PROBABLY SHOULD GO SOMEPLACE ELSE.

so. friends. i'm getting surgified. sigh. the feet are not good. i knew this already, but it's been confirmed by a real live doctor now. and to add insult to injury, my little problem has the worst name ever. nothing impressive sounding like "degenerative joint disease" or even "bone spurs." no. i've got...

bunions.

isn't that word horrid?? i hate saying it.. it sounds like something an old lady would have. involving pus. ew. ew ew ew. i am too cute to have something with a name that awful! matt thinks it's a disgusting word too, but that's because it reminds him of "butt onions," which i've got to admit sound pretty gross in their own right. bunions, turns out, aren't actually pus-ish.* or even.. well, whatever adjective would describe butt onions. they're actually a bone deformity, pretty much. a lot of women get them from wearing poorly-fitting shoes,** but mine are genetic. thanks, dad!

*i had the adjective as "pussy" for quite some time before i realized that maybe i have enough weird perverted google searches that lead to my blog without writing "pussy" all over the place. oh. but, um, nevermind now, i just wrote it twice. damn.

**seriously, how poorly fitting are these shoes?? i know we wear uncomfortable shoes and all, but really??? so uncomfortable you DEFORM YOUR BONES? ladies, please. i beg of you. stop that.


see, here's what someone's normal foot xray looks like:


ok, so technically i stole this picture off someone's site who had broken their toe, but that's what your foot should look like minus a broken little toe.

this is what my foot xray looks like:


ha ha! i'm so funny. that's just how my stupid foot FEELS.

fyi, that's a raincloud + rain, not a toupee and.. squiggly lines. shutup, amber's the artist, ok?

this is what a bunioned foot looks like. note: not my actual foot:


mmmm, delish, no?

to correct this, they will go into my foot, hack off the knobby lump that sticks out, and then i believe break that there metatarsal so they can kinda jam it back where it's supposed to go (ie so it goes straight instead of wandering off to the right like that).

and they say i'll be AWAKE during this. AWAKE. with local anesthetic. LIKE THAT MATTERS WHEN I HEAR THEM SAWING OFF MY BONE LUMPY THING AND BREAKING MY FEET??? people. knock me out. for the love of all that is holy. i had my wisdom teeth (and a piece of my jawbone) removed while i was awake and under local, and christ, NOT COOL. just because you can't technically feel someone methodically breaking your bones doesn't mean it's not traumatic.

you may now commence pitying me. pity, people! pity!