February 10, 2006

the skinny on my sad, sad feet

WARNING! WARNING! THE FOLLOWING POST TALKS ABOUT FEET AND GROSSNESS. IF YOU HAVE ISSUES WITH FEET, ESPECIALLY UGLY FEET, YOU PROBABLY SHOULD GO SOMEPLACE ELSE.

so. friends. i'm getting surgified. sigh. the feet are not good. i knew this already, but it's been confirmed by a real live doctor now. and to add insult to injury, my little problem has the worst name ever. nothing impressive sounding like "degenerative joint disease" or even "bone spurs." no. i've got...

bunions.

isn't that word horrid?? i hate saying it.. it sounds like something an old lady would have. involving pus. ew. ew ew ew. i am too cute to have something with a name that awful! matt thinks it's a disgusting word too, but that's because it reminds him of "butt onions," which i've got to admit sound pretty gross in their own right. bunions, turns out, aren't actually pus-ish.* or even.. well, whatever adjective would describe butt onions. they're actually a bone deformity, pretty much. a lot of women get them from wearing poorly-fitting shoes,** but mine are genetic. thanks, dad!

*i had the adjective as "pussy" for quite some time before i realized that maybe i have enough weird perverted google searches that lead to my blog without writing "pussy" all over the place. oh. but, um, nevermind now, i just wrote it twice. damn.

**seriously, how poorly fitting are these shoes?? i know we wear uncomfortable shoes and all, but really??? so uncomfortable you DEFORM YOUR BONES? ladies, please. i beg of you. stop that.



see, here's what someone's normal foot xray looks like:


ok, so technically i stole this picture off someone's site who had broken their toe, but that's what your foot should look like minus a broken little toe.

this is what my foot xray looks like:


ha ha! i'm so funny. that's just how my stupid foot FEELS.

fyi, that's a raincloud + rain, not a toupee and.. squiggly lines. shutup, amber's the artist, ok?

this is what a bunioned foot looks like. note: not my actual foot:


mmmm, delish, no?

to correct this, they will go into my foot, hack off the knobby lump that sticks out, and then i believe break that there metatarsal so they can kinda jam it back where it's supposed to go (ie so it goes straight instead of wandering off to the right like that).


and they say i'll be AWAKE during this. AWAKE. with local anesthetic. LIKE THAT MATTERS WHEN I HEAR THEM SAWING OFF MY BONE LUMPY THING AND BREAKING MY FEET??? people. knock me out. for the love of all that is holy. i had my wisdom teeth (and a piece of my jawbone) removed while i was awake and under local, and christ, NOT COOL. just because you can't technically feel someone methodically breaking your bones doesn't mean it's not traumatic.

you may now commence pitying me. pity, people! pity!

22 comments:

  1. Pitying!

    Seriously, you can't be knocked out? WHY?

    I was fully knocked out for wisdom teeth. I see no sense in staying awake for that nonsense.

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  2. You're going to be awake! Yikes! That WILL be traumatic! I was knocked out when I had my wisdom teeth out. I had laughing gas, an IV, AND novacain (sp?). I felt GREAT and don't remember a thing.

    I also thought bunions were something grandmotherish. Bunions and goiters are two ailments I think deserve better names. I'm going to lobby for this.

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  3. I AM pitying you, mostly because I literally feel your pain. I'm not petite like my mom, but OH LOOK! I have the same bunion on my right foot as she does! Thanks, genetics!

    I'm curious to know the end result as I have been contemplating surgery myself.

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  4. My daughter had both of her feet done when she was nearly post-teen. Other than the hobbling around on crutches all the time it wasn't so bad and the end result was GREAT ... she is so much happier having had the work done!

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  5. Did this have anything to do with peeing in a bucket?

    It looks like it's painful without surgery. I hope the burning bone smell doesn't gross you out when they start cutting.

    I'm so bad ...

    GNDTX

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  6. I also have genetic bunions, I've always had them. For years I thought that's what feet just looked like.

    Mine give me no hassle, I don't wear daft shoes, the bunions can stay!

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  7. You definitely have my pity. I was knocked out for my wisdom teeth, I can't image being awake for bone-hackings!

    I had a friend in high school who had bunyuns. I always thought they were like warts til she told me it was to do with bones...it is a horrible word.

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  8. Can’t you MAKE them knock you out? I mean, it’s YOUR surgery, right? Like, slip em a c-note or something in advance? ;) Cause I know there is no way in HELL I would let someone slice and dice while I was awake!

    Oh, and? POOOOOOOOOOOORRRR AAAAAAAALLLLLLLIIICCCEEEEEEE! :(

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  9. I gots a bunion apparently they are hereditary and mine came from granny who had one on each foot. I just have it on my left. It doesn't hurt just looks icky lol like my big toe is crooked which it is but if its not hurting I will let it go lol.

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  10. I think its a nice word, try pronouncing it with an English accent... now, doesn't it sound better?! No? Oh well :)

    You will be OK and it will all be worth it.

    ((Hugs)) x

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  11. Oh no. I've never seen anything like this!! I'm freaking out for you. Seriously. You poor thing.

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  12. Aww Buck Up Babe,
    Take a swig of Jack before going to the hospital. Stick your foot out to the Surgen and say, "Give it to me Doc. I can take it." Then when you get home to your appartment go beat the hell out of your drums. You can do it.

    Jj

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  13. Oh no...I'd want to be completely knocked out during that!! Poor Alice!! Okay, now I am feeling a tad queasy.

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  14. My grandma had that operation a while ago. She never had any complications and all was right with the world. I have my fingers crossed for you :)

    -N

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  15. AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

    My eyes!!! My eyes are bleeding!!!!!!!


    thanks for sharing, Alice. Good luck with the feet...

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  16. My mom has bunions (VERY VERY bad ones) and wow, her feet are so gross. I got Dad's feet, which are too wide and stubby, but at least there are no bunions.

    Ok then I realised, none of what I'm saying is going to make you feel better.

    If you can, pay for the general anesthesia. I did it for my wisdom extractions and I didn't feel or know a thing, which is just how I like it! You don't want to see and hear the sawing and slicing and ew.

    Good luck! Much pity from the tea spot!

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  17. Sure, but do you get to use a bedpan?

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  18. does this mean you are going to have to wear "sensible" shoes"?

    EEEEYYYYUUUUUUU

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  19. Can you get bunions from ninja kicking too many people? I still think you're a spy and that you've butt kicked too many targets deforming your feet, or foot, toe, whatever.

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  21. There are people (me, I) who finds bunions attractive and sexy. I just can't help my selve, I'm adicted to bunion shaped feet...

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