November 10, 2005

the almighty alice, bringer of havoc and destruction

i have come to the very disturbing conclusion that i bring sweeping destruction wherever i go, like some sort of evil disastery phenomenon. this in some way makes sense, as it validates my long-held belief that the world revolves entirely around me. this proves it, although in a less .. er.. positive... way than i would have liked. however, considering that the swath of destruction never actually INVOLVES me - i always escape unscathed - i think that just goes to show that the world does, in fact, revolve around me: since i'm clearly the most important person around, i can't get knocked off so early in the story. but all the action centers around me. except it's, uh, bad action.

exhibit A: my work history

when i was 16, i worked in a cafe called "totally wired." it was around the advent of cyber-cafes, except this was an entire cyber-restaurant. i was hired as a "technical assistant," but due to financial constraints they cut the whole technical staff within weeks of my being there. i was kept on a server, but left the job when school started back up. the restaurant shut down about 2 months later.

when i was 18, i worked at another shop downtown, an outdoorsy supply store called "colorado." they seemed to be doing pretty ok, but i found out after i went back to college in the fall that the entire national chain liquidated by christmas.

my last job was at usairways. they declared chapter 11 twice during the 2.5 years i was employed there, and were recently bought out by america west. everyone there is either being let go or transfered to tempe, arizona.

my current company is doing ok, buuut is in some financial trouble and has been getting a lot of bad press. i think we all know how this will end ;-P

exhibit B: it's not just that i pick bad companies, i swear

lest you think i just have really ridiculously bad judgement about where to work (which, ok, is not the greatest, but it's not like i GO to companies that are openly advertising financial distress) i offer the following examples:

after graduation, my college roommate moved to japan to teach english for a few years. what could be better than an excuse to go to asia!? i started making plans to go visit her. until oops! remember SARS? yeah. parents effectively theatened ritual suicide if i kept on with my plans, so i cancelled. i did get to go the next year, but still. note emerging trend: i plan to go somewhere - disaster strikes.

while at usairways, i decided one winter to realize my dream to go to eastern europe, and starting planning a trip to istanbul, turkey. until... remember those suicide bombings? in 2003? trip to turkey: cancelled. alice's destination: suddenly not a good place to be.

one of my good friends from highschool recently moved abroad to live with her european boyfriend, and i've had a trip planned for months now to go visit her. i'll give you two guesses as to which major european city they live in. here's a hint... it starts with P and ends in ARIS. suprised? i'm not. FLAMES AND RIOTERS. in a city that is SO NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A DANGEROUS DESTINATION. why? because, clearly, i have decided to go there. and the world revolves around me, and i bring destruction.

sorry, paris. my bad.

to sum up: i work somewhere? the company dies. i plan a trip somewhere? so far i've brought disease epidemics, bombings, and rioting. i'm like a biblical plague. except, you'll note, i was never AT these companies when they folded, and i have not been IN these countries when disaster struck. i = immune because i = the center of the world. obviously. so you should all reeeallly hope i don't plan a trip out to see you, like, ever. or work for your company. i wonder if i can harness this power? it would be pretty awesome if i could hex people who pissed me off...

20 comments:

  1. The question in the riots over in Paris is, which side is going to surrender first? France, or France?

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  2. actually, I would be quite pleased if you'd take a job with my company. I wouldn't mind if it folded and I got to collect unemployment for a while!

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  3. Well if your theory hold up then if someone ticks you off, maybe you can just get in a taxi, ask the driver to take you to their house, and before he even starts the engine their roof will have collapsed or something.

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  4. Hey Alice? Um, about my birthday outing Saturday? If you really can't make it out here to Schaumburg, I would TOTALLY understand... not that your blog made me actually BELIEVE that your presence (or planned presence) would make the night predisposed to disaster, or anything... just, you know, I'm sure you have better things to do, you know, like writing more blogs? Or maybe bankrupting more companies...? ;)

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  5. You were foretold thousands of years ago in the Bhagavad-gita In Chapter 11, verse 32. "Time I am, the great destroyer of the worlds, and I have come here to destroy..,"

    YOU A BAD MOFO FO SHO!

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  6. Lol! So what have you been doing...going around putting voodoo curses on everyone?

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  7. Well, there goes MY inventation! Thanks for the heads up!

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  8. Um, can you put a hex on people who piss me off???

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  9. Ooh me too, I want in on that action.

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  10. Wow. Maybe we can work up a deal to destroy people that piss me off too! That has been my problem lately. Rude people in the stores I go to. I really need some of your power lately!

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  11. Any chance you could go work for Microsoft?

    Wombat

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  12. Count me in too - a hex on all those who p*** us off!

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  13. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, if you ever came to work where I work, I would have to considerering putting a contract out on ya....you got some bad mojo there....lol....lol....

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  14. Wow!! There are endless possibilites in how you could wield that power of yours. ;) If I could hire you on a project-to-project basis, that would be awesome. lol

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  15. anon e mouse11/11/05 3:52 PM

    At least this will make it easier for you to understand what went on when your boyfriend kills himself. Look in his eyes... he's not far off now...

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  16. In the Marvel Comics world exists a character named Wanda. She has another name to go by, her super hero name of "The Scarlet Witch". Wanda has a unique ability to throw hex's that alter the probability and outcome of any event but generally in the negative for the bad guys. For example if you pull a gun on Wanda and pull the trigger the pistol will probably jam up and not shoot the projectile, or if you start your getaway car the rare probability of you car battery leaking acid and your car explode will likely happen. I think you even look like her:

    http://www.marveldirectory.com/pics/picss/scarletwitch.jpg

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  17. I second beck-eye--- I wanna piece of the action too.... hook up a girlfriend, alice..

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  18. That's quite a series of unfortunate events.

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  19. I prefer to think of you as the glue that held those places together, Alice. Once you were gone, they fell apart.

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  20. PLEASE don't think about washington dc this weekend - I need it to be bomb and virus free on Sunday =)
    Thanks!
    M

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