October 17, 2005

how to ensure your dad goes gray

my parents and i have always enjoyed a mutually-understood "don't ask, don't tell" policy in regards to my.. um.. "love life." which is to say, my parents pretend i'm still a sweet, naive 12 year old, and make a concerted effort not to ask any questions that might disabuse them of this notion. i make sure not to tell them anything that might result in said disabuse. it's a lovely little set up we have.

er... had.

so, i was home in nj recently, expounding on a friend's crazy new girlfriend to my parents. this girl was a bit.. extreme. she was quite the controlling bitch at times, and exceedingly catholic to boot. i was trying to explain the extent of her not-fun-ness to my parents, and the tirade went something like this:

alice: no, she's crazy. apparently she got all uppity one time because her boyfriend didn't offer her a glass of water quickly enough when she came over to his place. and then he got in trouble on top of that because she drove over herself, and she felt he should always come pick her up and then drop her back off at her house later instead of making her drive. plus, she has a curfew, at eleven o'clock, even though she's already graduated college, so she can't ever stay ove... uh, late!

[at this point, my sister has already shot me a shocked look, like, DUDE, do you know what you almost just said??]

alice's parents: why is she like that?

alice: well, she's super-christian, so maybe this is part of the "traditional" thing or whatever, but it just comes off as bitchy. he got in trouble once because he didn't bring her a clip for her hair. when he protested that she hadn't ASKED for it, she replied that he should have hung around long enough to give her the opportunity to have realized she wanted it. AND she believes in creationism.

alice's parents: seriously?

alice: yes. she's, like, uber-religious. i mean, she isn't even going to have SEX until MARRIAGE!!

[immediate, oppressive silence. i can hear crickets. they're almost as loud as my dad's heart, which is currently going into cardiac arrest, and then shattering into tiny, dead little pieces in his chest.

meanwhile, my sister's eyes are as big as dinner plates. she can't seem to shut her mouth. she looks truly horrified. and slightly amused at what i've just done to myself.]

alice's dad, weakly: and this is... like... a religious thing, now?


and that is how i outed my sex life to my parents.

19 comments:

  1. I swear I'm laughing with you, not at you -- especially about the part where your dad's heart shatters into tiny dead pieces in his chest.

    I have a post about ready to go about nearly the same thing...

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  2. anon e mouse17/10/05 11:27 AM

    wow, just wait till Alice's dad gets a load (hah!) of www.fillalice.com .

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  3. As a dad I'm thinking ... mmmm, need to make a list of all past boyfriends and load the guns ...

    As a reader I'm thinking, "What was she drinking to spill the beans that bad TWICE!"

    ~Jef

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  4. oh Alice, I am cringing and clenching in sympathy with you. I have SO been there, done that.

    My worst slip was about drinking.. My parents are totally non-drinkers, and totally disapprove. anyway, when I was about 22, full of my adult-ness, I came rolling in home when I was visiting my parents at about 3 AM, rather (heh) inebriated. My dad came barrelling down the stairs, convinced I was in a ditch somewhere. And I had the fortitude to announce "but DAD, I wasn't DRIVING".........

    eeeeeeeeeeek....

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  5. Alice, just come out and tell them!

    I did! I admitted all types of atrocities to my dad and his penecostal way of life....best dayum night of sleep I ever had!

    After all, you are an adult? Right?

    LOL!

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  6. See, now for some odd unknown reason, MY father ALWAYS thought the worst of me. Even when I was still virgin-pure. SO much so that the month before I left for college, he nonchalantly asked me if I had gotten a prescription for birth control pills (AT THE DINNER TABLE – IN FRONT OF MY LITTLE BROTHER AND MOTHER, NO LESS) because “you never know.” I about DIED! Ok, so he was right – but STILL!!

    My mother, on the other hand, still thinks I have never had sex even though I am 36 and have a ten year old daughter. ;)

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  7. HOLY CRAP!!! I am stunned into silence for you...ugh.

    I have the same set up with my parents, it's much easier that way. And your friend's girlfriend sounds like a bitch. Tellhim to dump her. But see, this is what I'm saying. A girl like this has a boyfriend and I can't find a nice guy to save my life.

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  8. My Dad thought I was gay until I brought a girlfriend home from college one summer for a weekend. He was not quiet about how relieved he was that she existed in my life. Then he and Mom tried to tell me I wasn't allowed to, ahem, be with her while she was visiting. I told them that there was no way in hell that was happening. I responded that if we couldn't have sex then why should my parents be allowed to fornicate. I have never seen my parents leave a room so fast. It made for an awkward dinner that night as everyone in the house had heard us arguing.

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  9. My parents are EXACTLY the same as you, except I don't even try to censor myself. When I make a comment like that, they just laugh it off like I'm making a joke. Same when I mention I'm a smoker. Ah, ignorance is bliss.

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  10. Well, it could have been worse, I mean what if you father had walked in on you and your boyfriend both buck nekkid on the bed and your dad sees your eyes rolled up in the back of your head and your boyfriend isn't stopping and tells your dad to close the door?

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  11. You did them a service. Its the 21st century and things have changed. They will be better off for it.

    Its much better they found out that way rather than catching you in the 'act'.

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  12. Like um, your dad, I was hoping you were saving yourself too. Kidding...

    Well, a little.

    lol

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  13. I wrote a similar post about how telling your parents you're boyfriend is moving in with you is as good as telling them you're having lots of sex. I put it off for a LONG time.

    I never like a conversation with my parents that discusses sex in any fashion.

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  14. "...telling your parents YOUR boyfriend..." I hate bad grammar.

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  15. That's hilarious, Alice. I was laughing throughout the entire thing...especially at your dad's response. He's my new hero.

    Reminds me of a time when my father and I were talking about my sister and her boyfriend. She was away at college and he asked "Do you think they're sleeping together?"

    I said "Probably"

    And turned pale, looked at me, and said "Don't tell me things like that, please."

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  16. He he.
    I once went on a cross-country trip with an ex, and my dad asked if we got two hotel rooms.

    I waited awhile and then said, "Dad? Do you really want to have this conversation?"

    He did not.

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  17. You are such a good writer! This dialogue is so funny and so realistic sounding, like I was in the room, sitting at the table with your sister, listening. Awkward is right. I don't think I've ever even had the birds/bees talk with my Dad. Freudian slip.

    Blake (the everglades)

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  18. OMG, that's hilarious!! It sounds very similar to how I outed myself to my dad years ago. I wanted to just crawl into a hole for a while after looking at the shock on his face. hehehe

    By the way, yesterday I changed my blog url. It's now http://socalgirl11.blogspot.com

    I will be posting fairly regularly again. :)

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  19. Skipped through a few links to get here and I feel your pain. I had almost the same situation with my parents...even worse I almost said something to my (at the time) girlfriend's parents about our sex life. Now that is a mistake no one ever wants to make!!

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