weird things i worry about

i'm usually a pretty happy-go-lucky kind of gal when it comes to most issues in life. to a fault, actually. (i've been told a complete and blithe disregard for impending doom / potential problems / consequences to my actions isn't always super-desirable..) i'm more of a live-in-the-moment person, as opposed to an obsess-over-the-past, or a plan-for-the-future-in-any-way-aside-from-figuring-out-what-i'm-eating-next person. this attitude lends itself well to not wasting spending much time concerned about what might happen in the near or distant future. (this attitude does not lend itself well to determining one's career path, fyi.) anyway. the point here was just supposed to be that me? not so much with the worrying, generally.

except for totally weird things. like my law and order habit.

it's not the actual addiction to law and order that worries me. oh no. that's fine. it's the twisted logic that goes on in my head. this is my inner monologue after watching for too long:

boy, i sure love law and order! in fact, i love it so much i readily (and frequently) watch 3, 4, 8, episodes in a row! what fun! but by golly does it make me a little nervous to be alone in the house after that. i mean, watching several hours of realistic tv about freaks and rapists might do that to a person. i'm sure nothing will happen though! ha ha! it's just a show! AAUUGH what was that noise?!?! oh.. just the dryer. ha ha. i'm not nervous! no! not me. although i think i'll wait until my roommate comes home before getting into the shower. because, you know, there might be some guy waiting outside the shower curtain with a knife when i get out, because, you know, these things happen on tv, and i know they're not real no no no they're fake fake fake but i'll just sort of be able to believe that a whole heck of a lot better when there's someone else in the house who's not a crazy psycho murderer, you know? yeah, that sounds good, i'll just sort of stay here on the couch watching more tv until the roommate gets here. or the boyfriend. that would be even better. i think i'll go call him so i can go to sleep tonight.

and that whole neurotic thought process? that's not even the part that i think is weird. it's what i manage to think of to worry about BECAUSE i get nervous after watching law and order. here is what i ACTUALLY worry about:

so i've never actually lived alone, ever, in my whole life. i lived with my family until college, and had a roommate in college all four years, even when i studied abroad in france. then i graduated college, moved to virginia, and promptly moved in with 2 roommates, which eventually was pared down to 1 roommate, but we've now been living together the whole nearly-3-years i've been here. i figure the next change in situation will be if/when i move in with a boy. which, theoretically, will then lead to marriage, which pretty much guarantees the roommate situation from there on out.

BUT!! WHAT IF i do move in with a boy, and then somewhere along the way the relationship doesn't work out? and at that point i probably will just get an apartment on my own, because that would make sense once i'm more adulty and have already lived with a boy/been married and it seems that people tend to get their own place after that. AND THEN??? i will be LIVING ALONE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE and i will not be used to it and will have to STOP WATCHING law and order. and csi, and without a trace, and all those other shows that just make me a wee bit nervous when i'm alone or taking a shower or doing anything at all.

and THAT, my friends, is what i worry about. that at some hypothetical point in my life after a hypothetical failed relationship when i hypothetically move into my own apartment, i will hypothetically no longer be able to watch law and order. because that is a much more valid concern than, say, finding a job i like, or worrying about my student loans, or wondering if my 401k has any money in it. oh no. one day, i may not be able to watch law and order marathons.