We are not spammer

Do you guys read Geraldine at The Everywhereist? She has a fantastic and far more well-read blog than I do, and occasionally writes up her (very funny) interactions with spammers. I decided to take a page out of her book, because I'm suddenly getting all sorts of dumb spam emails about increasing traffic to my blog and getting better SEO results, which... um, yeah. For my personal blog. On which I'm not selling anything and have no ads, or even affiliate links. Since the spammers tend to stress how NOT-spammy they are, I've taken to writing back to them to gain some insight into my own blog, which they clearly understand better than I do.

Subject: Attention required: website may be in trouble
From: Steve
To: Me
Date: March 2

Hi Aliceblogs.blogspot.com Team,

I have gone through your website and I comprehend that it’s well built, but can be improved in several ways to get better sales and revenue from the site. [...] After in-depth research about your website and analyzing the targeted market for your business to prevail, we also execute effective online marketing campaigns by targeting not only local markets but also provincial and international markets as well.  

[2 long paragraphs explaining SEO in remarkably poor English] 

Should you have any questions, please let us know. To improve the search engine visibility of your website, we look forward to hearing from you after you have had time to read our proposal. 

Best Regards,
Steve Mccan

I appreciated not just the histrionic tone of the subject line, but was obviously also impressed with how perfectly they captured the nature of my website (which, when I received this missive in March, had not had a published post in over 11 months). My reply:

Subject: Re: Attention required: website may be in trouble
To: Steve

Interesting. And after this in depth analysis of my site, what business have you concluded I am in?

Sadly, he never wrote back, so I may NEVER learn what business I'm in so that I can get better sales and revenue!

Next up was Joseph:

Subject: aliceblogs.blogspot.com Increase your online business and traffic 
From: Joseph
To: Me
Date: September 10

Dear owner of aliceblogs.blogspot.com, 

I’m sure you have been contacted in this matter many times before but our value proposition is much different. We show the client results before we ask for any further commitment.     

As a business owner you might be interested to gain profit by placing your website among top in search engines.    

Your website needs immediate improvement for some major issues.
-Low online presence for many competitive keyword phrases
-Unorganized social media accounts
-Not compatible with all mobile devices
-Many bad back links to your website 

If my proposal sound's interesting for your business goal, feel free to email me, or can provide me with your phone number and the best time to call you. I am also available for an online. 

I look forward to hearing from you - thanks!   

Best Regards,
Joseph 
Marketing Consultant 

PS: I am not spamming. I have studied your website, and believe I can help with your business promotion. If you still want us to not contact you, you can ignore this email or ask to remove and I will not contact again.

My absolute favorite part of this one was the postscript: "I am not spamming." It's like starting a sentence with "No offense, but..." Just saying it does not somehow negate a super offensive sentence. Sending me an email about improving "my business" when the currently-published blog post was about boobs - then telling me you've "studied" my website! - and following it up with "ps this isn't spam" does not magically un-spam-ify it. But hey, I should give him the benefit of the doubt, right?

Subject: Re: aliceblogs.blogspot.com Increase your online business and traffic 
To: Joseph

Fascinating! After studying my website, perhaps you can tell me what my business is? 

He didn't reply either. I'm never going to learn what this mysterious business of mine is!!

This most recent one is impressive because it goes into such detail about the failures of my site:

Subject: SEO Proposal With High Ranking on Google
From: Tony
To: Me
Date: October 13

Dear Aliceblogs.blogspot.com Team, 

I thought you might like to know some reasons why you are not getting enough website hits/visitors and conversion. 

My name is Tony and I am the SEO and Digital marketing expert of a leading SEO service provider company. As per my analysis, your website is not performing well in the Google, Yahoo and Bing organic searches.

Some of the aspects given below:
1. Due to poor and unauthorized link sites.
2. Relevant keyword phrases are not visible on first page listing.
3. Due to HTML validation errors and warnings present in website.
4. Your website is not search engine friendly.
5. Website content quality is not high standard.
6. Website is having on-page and on-site issues.

Area of Improvement:
1. We will give you 1st page ranking on Google, Yahoo, and Bing.
2. Improve your organic traffic and sales.
3. Secure your website from Google penguin updates 3.0
4. Increase your conversion rate.
5. Target your local market to increase business.
6. Optimize all your social profiles and increase your online presence on the web.

Note: We give guarantee to improve in your keyword ranking from the first month itself.

For more details please reply. We have 24x7 supports, so you can contact any point of time with your website issues.

Thanks & Regards,                            
Tony
Digital Marketing Expert

Disclaimer: We are not spammer. We found your email through manually efforts.We are sorry if you get email 2 or 3 times. You can simply reply with “remove” so we will delete your email from our list.Thanks again.

Guys! They are not spammer either! I might get this email 2 or 3 separate times, but they are not spammer. That sure is a relief. But it did raise a lot of new questions for me. This email didn't give much insight into the nature of my business, but it did make some offensive claims about the quality of my content. "Not high standard"!? Pshaw!


Subject: Re: SEO Proposal With High Ranking on Google
To: Tony

This is so interesting! I have some questions: 

1. My website content quality is not high standard? Can you give me some examples? This is distressing.
2. Can you give me some examples of the on-page and on-site issues my website is having?
3. "Target your local market to increase business." This one is very interesting to me; what do you consider my local market? What is my business?

Thanks!
Alice @ aliceblogs

Once again, no response. It's like they don't even want to help me.