July 07, 2010

the return of internet dating horror stories!!

...but not mine, this time. yesssss!!

many of you know rachel from twitter or from her book blog (or her old personal blog, Rachel, Rachel I've Been Thinking). thank goodness she was willing to write this up and put it here, because this is yet another internet dating story for the books.

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I haven’t had happy fun time in 19 months. No, wait. This is serious business now. So we’re going to call a spade, a spade.

I haven’t had sex in 19 months. Not only that, but I’ve only kissed two people since then. One of them was an infamous make-out session in the middle of a bar with a stranger. So much fun.

The other was last night and happened completely unintentionally and mostly against my will. Let me explain:

After a long absence from OkCupid, where I have a profile but rarely check the activity on it, I logged on Monday morning and very quickly got a chat message from a guy. Normally, I would close the window and move on, but he seemed nice enough, and I was bored (famous last words). His profile was limited, but we shared the same taste in books and he seemed to be well-educated and polite. Well...polite-ish. The conversation started innocently enough, but very quickly moved into NSFW territory. But, like I said, I was bored. And you’ll note my first sentence -- 19 MONTHS, PEOPLE. There were no pictures of his face on his profile (red flag #1), but he said that it was because he didn’t want colleagues to stumble onto his profile and know it was him. Makes sense, I guess. Then he made a comment about my score on the OkCupid Slut test being higher than his, and wondered how he could up his score. This was less than 15 minutes into the chat session (red flag #2).

Eventually he invited me out after work, and when I suggested a bar nearby for a quick drink, he said that he’d meant that I should come to his place. Um. No. Well...maybe no. While I was definitely not comfortable with that right away, I was intrigued. There’s nothing wrong with a little harmless fun, right? But I said that I would meet him in public first, and if I was feeling it, then maybe we could move to his place. He seemed very enthusiastic. Sue me.

I should have known better. I really, really should have.

But I did all the things you’re supposed to do when meeting a stranger from the Internet (What? There are guidelines!) -- I told several friends where I was going to be and when, how I met him, what his name is, and that I would text his address if we ended up going there. I also bought new underwear. Don’t give me that look. I was wearing ugly, faded cotton briefs. It’s not like I got up that morning and thought, I might let someone take off my undies today. I should wear the cute ones. No, I got up and said, Fuck it, if it ain’t happened since January 2009, it sure as hell ain’t happenin’ today. Don’t matter what I cover my ass with. Thankfully the Macy’s near my office was open, despite the holiday.

I bought sufficiently cute knickers, and made my way to the hotel bar where we were supposed to meet. Okay, so my eyesight is not bad enough that I need glasses or contacts all the time, but it’s bad enough that looking at someone across the room means I can’t really distinguish their features. He seemed attractive enough...across the room, without my glasses. Up close? Not so much. And not really an “omg you’re fugly” kind of way, more of a, “well, I feel cheated” kind of way. Incredibly nerdy -- like I had the urge to give him a swirly in the bathroom -- and not at all good looking. I didn’t even want to make eye contact, let alone go home with him for the unmentionables.

Looks aside (though, really, how can you put that aside??), he was CREEPY. Like full-on hushed voice that made every question he asked sound like he was asking me to crawl under the table and service him. I was waiting for the porn music to start playing over the bar stereo system. And if he had asked me to service him, I wouldn’t have been surprised. He kept making sideways, lewd comments and very blatantly touching my knee -- my stomach is heaving a little, just thinking about it again. And then, in the middle of a conversation about classes I was taking, he leaned over and said (I shit you not), “I really want to make out with you right now, so we should go to my place now.” Several problems with that: 1) he interrupted me, completely discounting any amount of politeness he once had; 2) gross. If he had licked his lips seductively, I also wouldn’t have been surprised in the least. And then I would have vommed all over him.

One other important tidbit: he was most definitely gay and didn’t know it. Ten bucks says he picks up women online to prove to himself that he’s not gay. But he so is. Own it, man.

I spent the entire hour and 14 minutes I was with him trying to think of ways to get out of there. I actually considered telling him I had to go to the bathroom and then bolting. I thought of surreptitiously getting a friend to call me with an “emergency.” The only good thing he did was give me an out. He asked me if I’d made up my mind yet if I was going to go home with him, to which I quickly replied, No I don’t think I’m comfortable with that. He tried to persuade me that it would be “fun.” To which I say, if you have to convince me of that, it probably won’t be. He asked for a rain check, and I’m a coward so I said, okay. (Of course, when I got home, I blocked him on OkC and deleted his number from my phone).

He walked me out of the bar, and offered to walk me to the Metro. No, thanks. So of course the proper response to me saying that I don’t want to go home with you and no, I don’t even want you to walk me to the Metro, is of course pulling me uncomfortably close, and kissing me. With tongue. I sincerely apologize to the family of four walking into the hotel, that had to witness that. Trust me, it was no picnic for me either.


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everyone, please vote for our girl lilu today for the first MTV Twitter Jockey. voting opens here at 11am!

21 comments:

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

Oh, dear. I'm pretty sure if any guy even tried to do that, I'd either yell or punch him in the face.

Amanda said...

Oh that's awful!

lacochran's evil twin said...

I can't believe you were as polite as you were. I would have gotten up and walked out. Done.

It was an entertaining read, though. :)

Stevie said...

Sweet Jesus, that is AWFUL! But it makes for an awesomely hilarious story :-)

d e v a n said...

ohmygod.

Cheryl said...

Oh man, that's terrible. Good story to tell though. Why is that always the comfort to a bad date anyway?

Megan said...

Ugh, not fun!
HOWEVER, that rodent?
AWESOME!!!!!!

LiLu said...

We are soooooooo not making out on Friday, Rach.

(Thanks, Alice!! <3)

SilverNeurotic said...

Why didn't you introduce him to your good friend Tony Chestnuts? You know...toe, knee, chest, nuts? Or at least nuts.

kcinnova said...

First, I have to say I"m so relieved that this isn't from Alice... because I was really dreading that it was! Whew!!
Second, while I miss kissing like that (I forgot how long it's been)... EEEEWWWWWW!
So I take it he reminded you of a rat?

SLynnRo said...

OH, this type of full frontal tongue assault happened to me once too. GAG.

Sid said...

Bwahaha. Man that was sooooo funny. Shit I wish I had stories like this to say with my readers.

3carnations said...

Wow, that sounds horrible. Was that a picture of him or was that a hamster? Heh.

el-e-e said...

OMG, priceless. I love the picture.

Seriously, funniest thing I've read a long while.

Suburban Sweetheart said...

Oh, yeesh, this is barftastic. I'm so sorry. At least you bought cute undies...

Marie said...

Wish I had been passing by then. Because I would have punched him - no not kicked - in the balls.

Alpha Wolf said...

Alice, you need to meet cooler guys.

Lassie said...

You trash all the guys you date. Notice most women dont have to date that much to find a guy to marry. Maybe it is you that is the problem and none of they guys want you.

Lindsey said...

Oh my god!! Lol. Can I just say that I am so happy I don't have to deal with this anymore!

Frankly, Scarlett said...

You are a better woman than I. I would have either said "I'm sorry, but I don't think this will work out" or "gone to the bathroom." If I were feeling particularly generous enough to stay and he had try to kiss me - I'm pretty sure I would have hurt him.

Party Girl Plus One said...

alice alice alice...i gotta give it to you, you were adventurous. i mean, all the signs were there, and yet you were still up for it.

but the creepy lip licking. yuck!
no negative not ever not even - uhgh!